You've made a significant change... so significant in fact, that she is changing in response to it. Never doubt that what you are seeing is true... but whether or not it becomes a lasting change will largely depend on how well you stick to your new boundary.
Give your wife some time to find her footing. Believe it or not, she is probably shell shocked and completely unsure of herself. After all, she was good at the dance the two of you had done together for so long. She now has to learn a new dance. She may get the step mixed up, she may even want to go back to the old dance every now and then, but remember, the man leads in the dance. If you don't revert, neither will she.
When the fog lifted from me, like you, I was almost at a loss. I went to my shrink and said, "okay, believe it or not, I finally 'get it.' I get everything you've been trying to get through my thick skull all this time. I GOT it. Sooo.... how do I not screw this up?"
Stick to your boundaries.... You understand clearly now what you will not tolerate. You can hold up everything you do and everything she does to that one thing. Like Michele says in her book, "how is this conversation/action/belief getting me closer to my goal?" And the goal is to have a loving, sexually rewarding relationship with your wife. If her actions/words or your actions/words are not getting you closer to that goal, then change your behavior, actions, reactions, choice of words, see?
Now that you understand clearly that you cannot change her, you have let yourself off the hook for being responsible for her. If she can't get it together enough to work at saving her marriage, then follow plan A, you know?
But she is as lost as you are. Nothing is familiar to either one of you anymore. And that's not a bad thing. All your illusions are stripped away, and nothing looks or feels like anything you had ever imagined it would. That's good. The illusions screwed you up to begin with. Now you get to make it up as you go, if you both have the courage to try, and if you both have the courage to stick to your boundaries. This is where respect begins. Respect leads to trust. Trust leads to love.
Just remember that empathy and tolerance are your friends. It will be real easy now to be judgemental of her because you are just so damn angry and hurt. I don't blame you. You don't have to be all gushy-gooey when she hugs you and says she loves you, but you don't have to throw it in her face either, you know?
Go with what 'feels' right, go with what moves you closer to your goal. Sometimes saying no gets you closer to your goal. Sometimes saying yes gets you closer to your goal. Understand?
AM, this takes some practice, and you really have to pay attention because you are no longer on auto pilot. It's going to WEAR YOU OUT. But don't give up. The roller coaster of emotion you are experiencing is NORMAL, and just knowing that can make it easier to bear.
In the end, you gotta do what you gotta do. If nothing else, cling to that boundary and never let it go. Please update as you can.
