WAW, LBH looking for some help

[anniemc]

jumping in here - from a woman's perspective.
i did the whole spying thing on my husband - he started to smoke cigarettes (and i worried it was when our twins were with him - a HUGE no no for me), he started to not call the twins to say good night after he left the house - he started buying new clothes - that kind of stuff that got me thinking...so i looked in his car, on his phone, on his phone bill - and would have on his computer if he hadn't had it password protected because it's a work computer. Similar to your situation, i found what i believe now to be an EA - phone calls to someone he "kind of sort of" worked with "who was going through a similar situation" with her H - incidentally, the two of them are now split up - hmmmm... I do believe him when he says that it never went further - he's really not that type of guy- but I also NEVER would have assumed that he'd be the type of guy who would leave his wife and 4 year old twins and not want to make his marriage work. I question whether if i HADN'T been snooping and found the phone records whether or not their EA would have shifted to a PA - I'll never know. But, what i realize NOW (after having found DR book is that the snooping had to stop if i wanted my marriage to work. so, after i really, truly, got to my place of peace, i found the inner strength to stop it completely and focus on me, our twins, being healthy (mentally and physically), and having him see what he's walking away from. Oh yeah, a whole lot of praying and hoping too... So, i say no to the snooping if you want your marriage to work.

One little section of the DR book which i found so intuitive was about how THEY know when they've done something wrong - us nagging to them about it (whatever it may be) just pushes them further away. So, your W seeing the you that she fell in love with will speak volumes - more than you could say by trying to catch her doing something wrong. Her own conscience will help her prove to herself how disappointed she is in her own actions.

Quick case in point - my birthday was in July - H moved out May 1. When he called at some point during the day, he wished me a happy birthday - i had the twins (as I typically do). No card, no gift...not even a homemade card or craft from the twins. So, what did i do??? NOTHING. I didn't mention it to him at all. NOT A WORD. Did it kill me...sure. But, i am absolutely positive that my not mentioning anything to him about just how much he let me down that day (it broke my heart that he couldn't at a minimum sit the twins down to make mommy a card for her birthday) killed him inside. I think that he probably beat himself up more than I could possibly have. So, now with his birthday coming up in three weeks, i need to figure out what I'm going to do. Do i get a gift from the twins? Do i just have them make him some silly craft?? Looking for ideas. Thanks and good luck!