Sorry haven't been on here in a while and I'm just catching up to your somewhat busy thread!
I think you need to treat this current interaction with Mr. A just like you would in a new relationship. Wouldn't you want to know if you started seeing someone new and began being intimate with them that there weren't other people in the picture. I think if you are going to continue to be "intimate" with Mr. A then the exclusivity issue is a valid concern, both emotionally and physically healthwise. I think it's perfectly acceptable that the next time he comes over and the situation starts to turn towards intimacy that you are well within bounds of saying to him: "Mr. A. I really enjoy this newfound intimacy we are having, but for obvious reasons I need to know that the intimacy we are having is exclusive to each other, is that the case?" Clear and simple. If it's not then you need to question what his motives are.
Woot woot and holla to Saturday! I *know* it was UConn, but still! GO BLUE!!!!
Your advice about Mr. A is right on - bring it up while things are heating up! Question is: can I wait til then? Also, I love the way you put it into a simple yes or no answer!
If my patience holds out, I'll definitely use this on Mr. A.
Thanks, BA. How are you? I need to catch up on things...
Three things happened today that got me maaaaaaad!
In order of worst to ?? (least worst?):
1) For the first time in seven years, I didn't get a merit raise. I am LIVID! Because: a) Even though my divorce from Mr. A has turned my life upside down, for some strange reason, I think it actually helped me at work! I feel more valuable, useful, and effective than I ever have before - in all of my seven years there. If there's one year I deserve a merit raise, it's this year. YET, this is the only year that I haven't gotten one. b) I think my boss decided not to give me a merit raise because of his own misperception that I could have done better had I not been getting divorced. This teaches me a lesson never to share any details of my personal life with someone who controls my raise. I mean, I don't have any concrete proof that this is what prevented me from getting a raise, but I should have gotten one. I busted my butt! More than usual, even!
Writing this out, I am SO mad about this raise thing that I don't even care about the other two. But I put them out there, so:
2) My sister asked me to borrow money. Normally that would be fine (she pays it back), but I'm feeling super-poor now because of the whole raise thing. So that was just another thing to be crabby about.
3) Mr. A is unpredictable. He left me yesterday morning when he went to work and there hasn't been much contact since.
So what am I doing about it?
1) I didn't say anything to my boss today, even though I wanted to tell him where to go.
2) I kicked butt at work today.
3) I scheduled an appointment with an employee assistance counselor to figure out how to talk to my boss.
4) I was polite (but not friendly) to my boss today.
5) I am sleeping on it and trying to take the emotion out of it.
6) I golfed, did an abs workout, and did yoga.
Other: I'm going to wait a little while and then ask my boss to reclassify me to a higher appointment that will result in a pay increase.
I want and need a raise asap. My boss didn't give me one. I have to do something about it or I'll be steaming for the next year!
Okay Item 1: Did your boss give you any indication throughout the year that he was dissatisfied with your performance. Maybe it has to do with budget issues and nobody received a raise. If that isn't the case and if he didn't give you any indication he felt you were performing poorly AND since this is the first time in 7 years you didn't get a merit raise it is perfectly logical that you would have a conference with your boss about this sooner rather than later. Very simply ask to meet with him and say something to the effect of: "Boss, I was very surprised not to get a merit raise this year. I feel I have really contributed and have produced some quality work this year and would like to know why I wasn't provided a raise. Are there areas of my performance that you are disatisfied with and if so what are they and how can I improve."
Item 2. If she is asking for money that would cause you to constrain your lifestyle or impact putting bread on the table, simply be honest with her. "Hey Sis, I would really like to help out but based on my financial situation right now I really can't. I'm sorry.
Item 3. I think you need to cool it a bit with Mr. A I think he is getting into a comfortable situation of using you for what he wants and once he's satisfied your needs/emotions are not a concern to him. Seems to me he is cake eating.
Oh and yes GO BLUE. Great game on Saturday however I feel we are a one dimensional - one player team and if Denard goes down, the losses may start to accumulate.
You guys are TOTALLY right. Mr. A is a cake-eater and he has been crossing every line imaginable. I'm setting a boundary tonight.
We spent the evening together yesterday. It had its share of problems, but it was more good than bad. I left for work this morning and he was still sleeping at the house - ok.
I didn't hear from him all day, then I went out with a friend tonight and he called. He said he was out with his friend and wanted to come over later. I said, what time? Not late, 10 p.m. I agreed.
Then I complained to my friend that I wanted to go out with Mr. A while he was on the town. Mr. A and I were right near each other at that point and it would have been very easy to meet! My friend said to go for it, so I called Mr. A. No answer. Then I texted him that I was in the area and wanted to meet up - no reply!
I'm fuming and have come home to find the house in shambles! Dishes, clothes, etc., everywhere!
Here's what I'm planning to text Mr. A:
"I called and texted you and you didn't even answer either one. If there's an explanation, let me know. If not, don't come over tonight."
Sorry I don't mean to be crude but I think right now he see's you as a sure thing booty call. Sounds like he's out having a good time and ending up in your bed afterwards. My two cents is that I think you're being way to available to him.
You can whip him into shape by only accepting a certain type of behavior from him. You get what you put up with.
Just sayin'!
He reminds me of a kid who is testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks for the reality check, even though it stings!
BA's probably wondering how I could be posting while the Michigan game's on - I'm doing both!
I was thinking of switching over to the "Divorced But Not Done" forum, since that seems like a more accurate description of my current sitch. But there's not much traffic over there, so I think I'll stay put!
As posted, I've been spending a lot of time (relatively speaking) with Mr. A lately. I have no idea where it's going, and that's ok. I'm grateful for two things:
1) I truly enjoy spending time with him and I'm grateful for the chance. 2) I'm grateful for the chance to experiment. Now that I've had a year and a half to be wistful about what I would have done differently, it's good to have the chance to try some of these things out!
However, the results are kind of funky. Last night is a good example. After not making plans in advance, Mr. A called me last night to see if he could come over at 10. When he called, I was out with my friend and he was out with his friend, but we were pretty close (geographically) to each other.
Things wrapped up with my friend shortly thereafter, and I tried to get a hold of Mr. A because I wanted to meet up with him. I couldn't reach him so I went home.
He had left the house a total mess and I got really mad about everything. I had to do something about my anger, but I didn't want to act on pure emotion, so I texted him:
"Hey, I called and texted you and you didn't answer either. That's rude! If there's an explanation, let me know. If not, don't come over tonight."
He wrote back, "Whoa whoa whoa, I've been inside a bar!! Didn't hear it, sorry. I thought it was agreed upon that I'd be there about 10 or so."
Me: "Ok, that's why I asked! See you later then... smooch!"
Him: "Ummmm, ok."
He did get here around 10 and I told him I wanted to explain my earlier message. He said there was no need, but I told him I really wanted to. Then I said I was getting upset earlier and texted him because I wanted to find out what happened before my imagination went wild.
He basically told me to stop talking about it! So yeah, the communication issues persist.
I let it go but there was definitely some tension remaining. We got pizza, watched Seinfeld, and did not have any romance. Also, last night Mr. A offered to take me to lunch today at one of our favorite restaurants; he reneged his offer this morning.
But we did have a pretty enjoyable morning just hanging out. He said he was too stuffed from eating a whole pizza last night to go out to eat again this morning. He left and said he would call me later, but we didn't make any definite plans to see each other again.
I'm going to GAL this week by booking a social activity almost every night. I see a lot of golf in my future!
BA, it was soooo awesome that Michigan won yesterday, and it was an awesome game - though not quite as awesome as last year's Notre Dame game. Remember that? OMG, amazing.
But the Lions were ROBBED today. Not cool at all! I'm as pissed as every other Lions fan, and I just hope there aren't riots in Detroit tonight because of it!
Seriously, the NFL needs to step in here and own up to the mistake. That game belongs to DETROIT!
