Meaty,

Sorry we are just not right for each other But I sincerely thank you for your respect and shuddering, I know the confused goolash that that combination makes. I hope my own frustrations and lofty declarations of independence don't necessarily influence others to give up too. Then again...
Anyway, my new advice is only this: hang on as long as you can but don't hang on longer than you can.

Johanna: You've been bashed around long enough too. Give him a deadline to "git it figgered out or git it out", and start making plans for your new life; it is a bright one for such a loving and sexy lady. How do I know you're sexy? 'Cause I am AchingMan, Sensor of Sexy Ladies, Grande Bestower of Luv.

Corri: Thank you, thank you.

In spite of my sarcasm and foolish jokery, this is still a very serious and difficult situation. Some days are easier than others, but something is different, I'm not the same blind guy I was a month ago. I don't have the same feelings I had. My wife is still an attractive woman but I have lost a lot of respect for her and her manipulation. I am feeling even more like there are opposing forces battling within me. When I see her I feel a combination of wanting her with all my being and utter repulsion (like two magnets that are constantly flipping poles). I wouldn't be able to say no if she came on to me (miracles do happen) but I would wish I could. Does that make sense? It's all very wierd. I guess I don't want things to get sorta better, sorta back where we've always been, sorta ok but still frustrating. I want either the whole monty or no monty. I'm tired of a mediocre love life.

She is trying to be nice to me which is really confusing. The ball may be in her court but she thinks it is in mine. I feel guilty about wanting out so bad now but the feeling won't go away. She thinks we are working on it but I don't really see that she is trying to do anything. I'm just trying to survive day to day now. She still wants to hug me and says she loves me (nothing new here so don't get excited) but those things make me feel more guilty, more confused and more sad. You'd think it would make me feel better but at this point I can't stand the torture. I know we are not compatible and it's only a matter of time before things would crumble. If only she had been willing to face this issue and accept some responsibility to work for our relationship.

Thanks for the virtual bear hugs too, TC, everyone's support here has made a big difference in waking up and now as I attempt to stand up and walk on my own.

confused as hell,

AchingMan