My New LBS Reality

[ericmsant2]

IB

Chit sounds like you have one hell of a weekend.

Hey the stuff with the kids…that chit happens. It is normal to “associate” every negative or issues that happens in your life right now to what is going on between you and H. Don’t. Change how you look at things. I mean, do you think the kids left stuff out of the fridge because of what is going on between you and your H. Doubt it. So breath, take a step back and realize it is what it is.

Sounds like you recovered and ended the weekend on a good note.

Now on to the really hard stuff….

Why was I controlling? Fear of screwing things up - fear of not doing the "right" things to have a "great" life. Fear that I would end up like my parents - selfish, self-absorbed, neglectful, abdicators of responsibility. Why the esteem issues - to be honest through IC I think that I have found that the lack of self esteem goes back to if I wasn't worth enough for my parents to take care of me then I wasn't worth anything. I know this is f'd up thinking but it's where the root of my problems are. From that point, I have worked my a$$ off trying to be "worthy" of love, affection, attention. Never wanted to be a burden. Just recently learning that this has manifested itself in controlling behavior.

Take a look up there ^^^^^…..

I see fear… a lot of it. What is fear (hey ask Mach…he hunted me on the boards until I dug in and look at some serious stuff). Base on your post it looks like you are starting to look – that is good. You and YOUR H will benefit from this. Okay…so you’re probably wondering why I say that you BOTH will benefit. It is simple…..

If you reconcile….your H will see a new and improved IB.

If you do not reconcile….your H will see a new and improved IB. One that may prompt him to want to look inside of himself and well…once he does that…ya never know what could happen.

Either way…IB will be better. Stronger. Smarter.

fear of not doing the "right" things

Ya know I just had this conversation last night with a guy from the boards (I will not call you out dude but you know who you are)…What is right? Is the fact that YOUR H hit a crisis and is doing things that hurt YOU not right? Is the fact that some of your controlling was not address sooner – not right? I guess it really depends on how you look at it. Right?

Now…in truly healthy relationships, I believe we learn that each of us in entitled to define our own version of what is right. Are either parties wrong? IMO – NO. Just different. Different does not mean wrong.

So YOUR right…should be YOUR truth. Your H’s right…well that is on him. In both cases, there are “results” (I no longer use consequence since it has a negative connotation to it) of each of your choice to do what is “right”. So I believe YOU need to keep doing what you think is right and realize that what I or anyone else for that matter believes is right could be different but it should not change YOUR views.

to have a "great"

What is a great life? I mean really. Is it a big house, nice cars, perfectly landscape yard with a chitty marriage? Is it a wonderful marriage but one where you live in poverty? Is it being alone? Is it “feeling” that you are in love? IMO – a great life is one lived! Living life does not mean you do not endure pain and hurt. On the contrary…the pain and hurt are a part of life..so if you’re feeling it your living. Now…what do YOU do with this life to make it great? Honestly….I think ya try to be happy with whatever cards God has dealt you. I believe it is how you look at life that makes it great.

Fear that I would end up like my parents

You will if YOU choose to be like them. It seems that you do not want to be like them. If that is indeed the case, then I believe that the first step is to forgive them and forgive yourself. B already mentioned that they did the best they could with what they new. You IB…just need to do better. You will never be perfect it – none of us will. Perfect is for God…you on the other hand must just do your part, which is to be the best that you can be. PERIOD.

my parents - selfish, self-absorbed, neglectful, abdicators of responsibility.

Ya don’t want me talking about my mama…holly chit I already posted my history (a little humor here IB…just a little humor). On a serious note though…you know what the beauty of this is….Forgiveness. Forgive you parents…..accept it for what it was. Release this hurt IB. Also, have you considered that some of what they may or may not have done – was instrumental in making YOU who YOU are. You may feel down on yourself IB. I have felt this often. But guess what, at your core you are wonderful. I say this because you are here on these boards standing for your M. You must be wonderful – most would cut and run – not YOU. So take some pride in knowing that you are wonderful just because you really are. We all are IB…

the lack of self esteem goes back to if I wasn't worth enough for my parents to take care of me then I wasn't worth anything.

IB – if you have not read my thread I suggest you do. I was abused, neglected, abandoned – multiple times. And more recently abandoned by the one person that I thought never would. My self esteem was in the chitter. As a matter of fact, if I can be so honest as to say that myself respect was in the chitter too. Everything was in the chitter…everything…UNTIL….

I realized that it was not my fault. IB – the things your parents did to you were not your fault. Actually, may not be your parents fault either. It may be the only way they knew. So sit down for a second and accept what happened to you and then take a step for YOURSELF and YOURSELF only to let it go and promise YOURSELF that you will do better. The best you can.

Your self esteem issues, well those may be around for a bit. But call them what they are. Realize that those self esteem issues are just fears – fears that you HAVE and will face. Fears that you can say..you will deal with. It is not easy IB. But at the end of the day, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR CO WORKERS…..they love your for YOU IB. They love because of WHO YOUR ARE. Now if they can love you can’t ya just love yourself.

Let all the pain go IB….just let it go…

I did and so can you.

God Bless,
Eric

[irishblessings]

Thanks Eric. I value your perspective and am really thankful that you took the time to respond so thoughtfully. You are a very kind person.

I have an IC appt today and I really am wanting to make a plan that will put me in a better place physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, and spiritually over the next few months so that I can be in a good place to ask for a meeting with H. At that meeting I would like to be in a place to talk about the kids, first and foremost. Then perhaps begin to bring closure to some of these open wounds. Some will never close because of the magnitude of the devastation - but some may close enough to allow me to go from dark to dim. Dim may be a better place for the kids - I'm not sure - just thinking aloud here right now.

Friend called me today - she talked to H's boss (they are friends) - said that H told boss that I kicked him out of the house. Doesn't matter - I know the truth - but just find it amazing the blurry lines that are created between lies and reality.

Thanks all for listening and supporting - it is a blessing.

[TAMF]

Eric - your thoughtful insight was wonderful to read even though it was for IB. I think we can all apply the lessons you have learned.

[ericmsant2]

IB

Glad that I could help.

Then perhaps begin to bring closure to some of these open wounds

Why would you want to talk to your MLC H about closure of YOUR open wounds? I mean seriously IB -why? I would be very careful here. In my experience my W did not care to hear about what I was going through. Usually, they really cannot understand it. They are so tied up in their internal turmoil that they do not have the capacity to understand what you are going through. Even if they did....sometime these type of conversation can come across as needy. I would suggest that you really think long and hard about having this convo with your H. Now your IC...that is another story. Remember, these are YOUR issues/demons to face. Not your H.

Some will never close because of the magnitude of the devastation - but some may close enough to allow me to go from dark to dim

No they will not close if YOU do not want them to. You could hold on to them for another 20 years. IB - these wounds that you reference...are they your own childhod issues or the issues that your H is putting you through right now?

Another question...why are considering going dim? Just for the kids? OR is that you feel like you can "show" your husband your changes?

Yes...your MLC has a different sense of reality right now. Does that change yours though?

Eric

[irishblessings]

So...went to IC - practically cried the whole time. Haven't had a session in 2 weeks. Having a hard time getting through the mourning/grieving period of this mess. Need to take this time to let it out - like poison. My kids are being patient - but I just need to release it in order to move on.

Is it unusual that WAS never contact the LBS to see if all is ok? Everything working around the house? Need help with gutters, etc. My H is GONE - no contact about anything! He texts kids at the end of day "all ok"" - "yep" they respond. Is this a relationship? I know...not my problem.

Kids and I had GREAT time this weekend together. I love them so much!!

[dl443322]

To answer your question - yep, its usual for the WAS to never contact the LBS to see if all is ok. Mine has not once in three years and both me and my son have a muscular disease. You're lucky he asks the kids. And yes, it's their relationship. Your children have told you they prefer not to have much contact. That is what they need to do right now.

Look, dont go dim or dark or anything else for any other reason then what is best for YOU. It shouldnt be a ploy, it shouldnt be for the kids, it shouldnt be to get a reaction fron your h. It is for you to heal and move forward.

Honey, he doesnt contact you because you're the problem in his mind. Now let me ask you something. Do you really need his help or are you capable of doing what needs to be done on your own? My bet is you are more than capable.

And why do you want to have a meeting with your H? What purpose would it serve? If he wanted to talk to you about the kids, he would. They are not young. You need to let them figure out their own relationship.

IB, you need to heal. You need to dig deep and figure out what you fear, what you're holding onto. You need to realize all the good things we see about you. You need to find your strength and realize that though you may want your h, you dont need him.

And that's how you have to live your life - first and foremost for yourself and your children. And if your h was to move toward you in the future, he needs to see the woman of strength and courage that we see. The woman who has faced her demons, who has become the person she was meant to be.

Really, I want that for you, not for him. He has his own path to follow.

You begin yours. Stop looking over your shoulder, sweetie. Look ahead. Start living your life. For YOU.

Come on, now. Get to gettin'

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn,
Once again - thanks for the guidance. I am not sure why I have been stuck for so long / wallowing in the muck of my H's MLC. The rejection and irrationality of everything he has said/done - continue to stab me in the heart. Brokenhearted and well, stuck. Friends advise "move on" / "he's not worth it" / etc. But for me to view my M and my H as if they were disposable is not reflective of what I believe. That being said I also know I cannot remain stuck. It is killing me and it could alienate me from my kids.
So, picking myself up for the millionth time since all of this started - I have to figure out how to get through. I wish it was easier and less painful.
Thanks for listening.

[punkin]

I think, Irish, that you and I are at the point that we could/should let go, but are hanging on to that last tendril of the old marriage, the old hopes, and more than likely the old fears. I have a job. I have my family. And one way or another, God will take care of us. I truly believe that. I think you do too. The bottom line is, we're afraid.

To let go means the packing away of the R that we, at least, thought was something special. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. There will still be bad days, I know, but I'm ready to let him follow his own path, and reap his own destruction, if that is what lays there.

Buck up, Tonto. You never know. You may bump into George Clooney tonight and never look back.

[pie]

Hi IB, just keeping up with your sitch, you just keep going, I'm wishing you the best You are already stronger than you were before all of this even if you dont feel it.

[ericmsant2]

IB

Brooklyn is right, you really need to take this time to heal. You need to let go of the OLD M. The only way that a new M can be formed is if the old one dies. That does not mean divorce it just means that you need to move past your old R with your H. Remember the good times, the bad times...well those need to be released.

I am not sure why I have been stuck for so long / wallowing in the muck of my H's MLC

Don't think of it as being "stuck". Think of it as being that YOU will let go when YOU are ready to let go. It seems that you have begun the process of letting your H go. Cry as often as you have too. Just let it all out. Take your time and grieve your old M. Respect it for what it was.

So, picking myself up for the millionth time since all of this started

And you will continue to pick yourself up! One day at a time. One second at a time. Stop for a minute and recognize your strength. Take pride in your internal fortitude - many will run because they do not have the strength to endure what YOU have already been through. Lean on your friends, lean on these boards we all understand.

I have to figure out how to get through

No 'have to" - WILL. You will get through this.

This chit is hard IB....but you can do it.

God Bless,
Eric