Thought I should get some feedback from y’all since I’ve been silent for a while. The news is that we’re done. It’s the beginning of the end.
wife is getting her own place after the holidays.
My first reaction was and always has been one of horror “how could this be? We can’t give up like this! Come on, soldier! Get up! Charge forward! We can work through this somehow”. Well, I’ve learned a lot from this and I’ve come to realize that I was wrong. We gave it a good effort, ‘bout a decade and a half of trying: more than enough to get it right or get out. I blindly hung on longer than was healthy for either of us.
What I always considered strengths, long-suffering and loyalty, are weaknesses and foolishness when given blindly to one that does not deserve them or appreciate or even really want them. The differences in approach to life, love, faith and almost anything else are actually tremendous. These can no longer be bridged.
While we care about each other very much and always will, we just can’t be partners. Our individual perspectives will keep us in a constant state of anguish and frustration. It is unfair of me to expect her to have feelings for me or to force her body to submit to a unifying process that should come naturally, given the closeness of our relationship over the years. I believe that it is equally unfair for me to ache for her and to be left continually unfulfilled or guilty because of my “dirty primitive desires”.
I passed the Sexual Aversion link from marriagebuilders.com on to her, like other things that I have tried to get her to read but instead of meeting with stubborn resistance, I was very surprised that she said that she recognized that was the problem. Now, I know Corri and a few others are going to jump up and down and do that jig and be all happy and tell me that we’re finally getting somewhere. DON’T. Sorry to burst your bubbles but... too little too late.
She says she recognizes the problem (that is, she has developed an aversion to sex because she forced herself to give it to me for all these years when she should have withheld it if she didn’t feel like it). Well, I’ve developed an aversion to not having sex and I will not submit myself to the damage that I’ve allowed to be done to me for all these years by NOT having sex. I can’t take it anymore. I CAN NOT. I have lived in fear, I have not been myself, all in the stupid fuuking hope that if I was a good little boy and did everything she wanted she might bestow upon me the honor of physical affection. How naive, stupid and foolish. I’ve been whipping myself with thorns, all the while asking her if it was enough yet.
I am so so tired of this battle. A year or two ago this would have been a breakthrough, we could have possibly made some progress; not because the result would have been any better but because my eyes had not been opened to the foolishness of living in unhappiness, clinging to hope and traditionalist philosophies of the holy grail of marriage. I do not have the strength to hope, to try.
At the very least, we are going to take a break from each other. The ONLY way I will get back with her is if she realizes how selfish and damaging she has been and resolves to win me back at any cost. Of course, this will not happen, she is simply too proud and wallowing too deep in her own world of self-pity.
Even though she has identified this problem as something that has developed within her (honestly, I’ve been a sweet, loving, patient husband) due to my imposition of this evil animalistic act upon her, she blasted me out of the water when she said that I was the one that had to decide, that if I wanted to be with her I would have to be willing to work a lot harder for her to get over the pain I have caused her. This is when the floor dropped out from under me. She can and never will be able to admit that she needs to work on this. She is always right and I am always wrong. Not anymore folks. I’m done. It’s not in me to carry this relationship by myself.
Yes, I’ve been a bit sarcastic and cynical here. Please, y’all don’t shred me apart for it, I’m not in the mood. I’m ready to lick my wounds and focus my attention on making the transition as healthy as possible for the whole family. My primary concern is for my son and, ironically, for her. I know I’ll be fine. I’m relieved. The world is full of joy, pleasure and enriching experiences, waiting for me. I am on my way to becoming myself. And sweet Jesus, there are a lot of beautiful ladies out there!
By the way, the depression thing was something of a smokescreen. Sure, she gets depressed sometimes, most of the time when she feels the pressure of having to grow up and act like a woman in a relationship. She had the gall to tell me that I needed to mature and not be so sexual, not to let myself get horny all the time. FK!FK!FK! What a crockpot of horsesheeit.
