Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Vacation was supposed to help clear my mind. It didn't work, I'm still as muddled as ever.

I find myself wondering now why I'm clinging so tightly to my marriage and to H. I know the marriage was flawed, I know there are things I could have and should have done differently, just as there are things H could have and should have done differently. But I desperately miss the companionship, I miss the love we had. We weren't just husband and wife, we were best friends. But oddly enough even though we were best friends I still wasn't comfortable sharing everything with him. I still was uncomfortable talking to him about our problems. Maybe because when I did try to talk he would get mad and blame it all on me then storm off and pout, giving me the silent treatment until he got over his snit? Who knows, but our communication was sorely lacking.

I feel so strongly that H will be coming back to me. But I don't know if it's God giving me that peace, or that I want it so desperately I've tricked myself into believing it. But either way I feel deep in my bones that H is going to return, and can face each day believing that it is one day closer to his homecoming. I still have trouble thinking of the future and not having H be a significant part of it. I can't accept the reality that this is my life, and probably will be for a long time. It fricking sucks.

I know that it will be a long, hard road if he does choose to come back. There will be the whore and it to deal with, as well as the problems that led to the separation in the first place. I know I need to get over my fear of talking to people about problems I have with them, that it's ok if I get someone mad at me. Just because they're mad doesn't mean they're going to leave, which is how I always felt with H. If I made him mad enough he would leave me. Well guess what, he did anyway. But while I own my share of the problems we had, he won't.

So I'll continue to pray for strength and patience and wisdom with how to handle situations as they arise. And hopefully some day I won't end up a bitter, cynical old hag.