WAW left on Independence Day and not communicating

[NotCrackingUp]

Hurtinhartford,

Hope you're ok. Like ris just said, you're ruminating on the "outcome" you want. I know because I'm doing exactly the same thing. I've just read over what I've posted from scratch and I'm always trying to understand "why" and "how" the past could have happened, feeling massively guilty and wondering how to turn my H's head around.

What we need to do, perhaps, is see things from their point of view. What did they (WAS) get out of leaving home and cutting us out? Why haven't they taken legal steps if it's so cut and dried?
What makes them feel they've a safety net?

I'll find it hard to do this, but I try to view things from my H's perspective. I'm there to mind kids and hold the fort. My feelings are secured to him, so no worries.By being away he's free of what got to him about me, free to live the single life as married life doesn't suit just now. Free from guilt also, as I remind him of broken trust and lots of lies.He's not taken any official steps because it's too expensive/ he's not sure if he's really ready/he's waiting to see if the OW will measure up.

On the principle that people want what they can't have/no longer have, personally I'd better start moving outwards and upping my social life, getting that university post I dreamed of but gave up so's not to be so far away from him(what an eejit!), writing that book and getting into the newspaper as the latest literary discovery... I can dream.

So with your wife, the situation is different. But maybe if you ask yourself what she has to gain from staying married to you, yet leaving you high and dry, not contacting you. What "comfort" does that bring her? How can you shake that comfort or make coming back more comfortable?

Also, you're worried she's having dates. You had an affair yourself. Why did that happen? was it because you needed to feel seductive and felt available to SO else, or because you were disappointed with your wife/wanted to punish her/were jealous of her/wanted to make her jealous?

I've been wondering why my H had an affair. Lots of reasons, the first of which was to check he could still do it for the (younger, newer, les predictable)ladies. Because he was vulnerable and met your woman. Because (??) I was succeeding after a return to university and set to earn much more than he does per month (?). I'm not sure about that, but a kind of macho jealousy could be at stake. When I'd set out to take the course and sit the exam, he was all for it, more money, better prospects etc. When I started showing signs of actually succeeding, he was in your woman's arms like a shot.

So she (your wife) mightn't be falling in love with some other fellow, there are tons of reasons she could be dating.

All this is very far from working on ourselves, to hell with them. I'm trying to fit that into my head. But it's hard because it means imagining that my H is no longer in my head, part of my scene.
Good luck.
NCU