I have just given it some thought. I guess setting him free is the way to go? But ultimately, I don't want to divorce, so how do I avoid being labelled as the one who pushed for it? I don't want to be the bad guy, I really want this to work.
I am waiting for the "How do I get through to you book" which is supposed to deal with passive-aggressive behavior that I think is exactly what my H is doing. Maybe it would be wise to hold off for a few days before making radical steps and read it first. In the meantime just not initiate any contact and be passive if he does?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Hi ris, hey, you know what? Maybe it would help if you give yourself a chance to catch your breath before you try to jump into any decisions.
I bet it likely feels awful for you ... a sense of urgency to fix and figure out how to make it better, and yet not knowing how and wanting to wait it out hoping it will get better? At least, that's how I felt. I thought - geez, WHY can't I just hurry up and figure this out?!
But it takes time. Oh my gosh so much time. Perhaps, just an idea, why don't you invest some time thinking about you, and what can keep you busy and excited about your own life, rather than focusing on him? When I was really in the worst of it with my H, I thought about him constantly - analyzed all our convos, cried wondering whether or not he really loved me, dreamt about him, everything, planned out how to say things, what to say when to say.... If I could go back, I would SO change that... it drained my energy, it made me lose myself in trying to figure out how I lost myself!!
It's so, so important for you right now, to think about ris. Just her! Who is she? What does she dream for her life? There's tons of goals that one can have that have nothing to do with whether or not you have a partner. Do you want to travel? Learn a new language? Run a marathon!? Do you think you can just set aside your worries about your H, even just for a day - just put them in a little box and set them up on a shelf somewhere. They'll still be there once you've had a break from them - you can deal with them then.
Just give yourself permission to dream about your own life a little.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, thank you for stopping by Your suggestions are always so helpful. Since I started GAL, I thought about all those things - what could I do for myself, but I think you're right, I need to focus on them more. I already started planning a little weekend trip in 2 weeks time to a place I always wanted to go to. I wasn't so sure about it first but this morning I wrote an email to a friend who lives there saying I might be coming and if so, would she like to meet up. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of this!
One thing I have to say is that sometimes thinking of H, R and this whole situation drops upon me unexpectedly. I could be doing fine and then something reminds me of him and I miss him so bad.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
FMV, thank you for stopping by Your suggestions are always so helpful.
Hey Ris, you're very welcome, and I'm so glad I can be of help. That's really kind of you for saying so.
Originally Posted By: ris
I already started planning a little weekend trip in 2 weeks time...
This is just wonderful to hear! I'm glad you're looking at ways you can enrich your own life. What other kinds of things can you plan for yourself for this month? Actually make a plan, too... I find if I just think 'oh I'd like to do this or that', it never happens. But if I actually go and buy tickets to something, or book a friend for an outing, then it actually happens - and it makes it more 'real' to think about and look forward to.
Well, hang in there. My heart goes out to you. I well remember having those 'drops' and yah, they can take your breath away sometimes (and I didn't even have the distance to cope with on top of it). It takes a lot of spirit and tenacity to work through it - all I can say is to hang in there. There's going to be great days and crappy days, but you're doing admirably and I just know your life is going to turn out amazingly - we're all cheering for you. Take care, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Haven't heard from H today (and I'm not really expecting to). According to his FB he had a good day at work which happens really rarely so good for him. I'm minding my own business, and I suppose staying dark until I think things through. Maybe it won't do much good but at least I won't backslide even more. I have some extra work to do over the next few days, so not so much GAL but I'll be busy. And an unexpected visit to the dentist today!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
But ultimately, I don't want to divorce, so how do I avoid being labelled as the one who pushed for it? I don't want to be the bad guy, I really want this to work.
Then don't be the one to file. I am not current w/ your sitch but if you do not want the D, don't be the one to file.
No. He doesn't say he wants to divorce. Every now and then when he gets angry he drops lines like that he doesn't think this marriage is going to last long or that we shouldn't have gotten married. But he doesn't openly say that he wants to divorce.
But we're living separately now (no one moved out, we just haven't moved in together "yet") and he needs to sort out the paperwork for me to move where he is now (he's stationed overseas). But he's just not doing it. Every time I asked about it, we ended up fighting so now I just don't talk about it anymore.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Stop asking about it. If he really wanted to bring it up, he would. Him saying he doesn't see you guys working is a red flag. What are you doing in the meantime? Working/hobbies/friends???
Stop asking about it. If he really wanted to bring it up, he would. Him saying he doesn't see you guys working is a red flag. What are you doing in the meantime? Working/hobbies/friends???
GAL, Ris!
I stopped asking about it over a month ago. He still talks about plans of when I move there (without me bringing it up at all) and we're planning a vacation in January - he booked it a few days ago (again, without my pressure at all). And at other times he says things like that.
I work full time and study. I'm trying to GAL in my spare time, started going to a pilates class, gone out to various things, planning to go away for the weekend in 2 weeks. I don't have a lot of friends around here and no family but I'm trying to meet with people and go out when I have a chance.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Your suggestions are always so helpful. Since I started GAL, I thought about all those things - what could I do for myself, but I think you're right, I need to focus on them more. I already started planning a little weekend trip in 2 weeks time to a place I always wanted to go to. I wasn't so sure about it first but this morning I wrote an email to a friend who lives there saying I might be coming and if so, would she like to meet up. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of this!