As always, completelety appropriate thoughs for the situation we both seem to be in.
It reminds me of another bromide "If Bill Gates waited to Windows to be perfect before he released it, we'd still be using DOS"
Gritter, I appreciate the challenges as usual. The fact that I am feeling that they are now NOT stinging me suggests I am doing this for myself.
But I'd like to give you my answers regardless.
Did that boundary exist before you came here?
No. However, I can clearly state is was presumed and it WAS stated directly in mid July when I confronted her.
Your honor, your dignity are YOURS. How did this get taken from you? Will this be restored by YOU gettting a divorce
It can be said that I allowed my honor and dignity (along with my self-respect and confidence) to be trampled upon by NOT setting boundaries and speaking up for myself throughout the marriage. (See NMMNG) Will a divorce restore them? Not as such simply by being divorced but by standing up for myself and exercising my consequences of the boundary of not living in an open marriage (which I have no evidence has changed) then I am beginnning to restore what is mine. If I were to continue to "wait", then I am implicitly accepting this situation. If the A ends, that will change things. But until then...
Where does your honor and your dignity come from? Your honor is the sum of who you are. Your dignity comes from acting on your honor Decide who you are and make decisions based on that. Not reacting to what someone does to you. Do it for your own reasons that are based in your honor.
I believe that is EXACTLY what I am doing. This is still a reaction to what she is doing but not out of spite or revenge. And if she does her own 180, then I'll think about reconsidering my push on the D.
I will NOT be a cuckold or "wear the horns" as illustrated below in the definition of same.
Originally Posted By: Wikipedia
In Portuguese, the terms corno ("horn") and cornudo or chifrudo ("horned") are used to spite or mock the cheated male partner. The expression corno manso ("tame horned") is used to indicate those men who, although cheated by their partners, come to accept it as a fact of their lives. The Spanish word cornudo is used to describe a male partner whose female partner is sexually unfaithful. A consenting cuckold, cabrón, has such an offensive nuance that it is a taboo word rarely used with its original meaning,
I agree. And "who you are" is partly how you project your character and your integrity to the outside world.
To take a ridiculous extreme, if my spouse ran a cockfighting ring out of my home, I might tell him or her that "this is not who I am; I will not allow this to go on on my property" (Michael Vick, are you taking notes here?? ). Eventually, I must ACT on that boundary (that would be the "not allow" part) -- I must ENFORCE it, by asking him/her to leave. Otherwise, my boundary means nothing, and my honor is tarnished: I become the guy of whom they say "Man, I can't believe he allows that despicable stuff to go on in his own home."
A man's honor and his integrity are NOT just internal.
It just struck me that without really realizing it I have moved from 'Oh,God, how do I save my marriage?" to "OK,CD. This is unacceptable. It's time to save your dignity and honor'
The first wass all about her and based in fear in me. The current situation is about me and there is no real fear or anger. It's simply what is right for who I am.
I'm surprised that such a large internal transformation wouldn't be accompanied by an audible "click" sound
It may be interesting to note that last night I was struck by the thought to write out all my feelings about the situation.
All I saw was a lot of sad, regret/remorse, disappointment, relief and happiness. Summary? Sad about the situation and how it may affect D2 Diasappointment that the happy memories I have with W will never be as 'bright' again Remorse that I didn't see how I was contributing to the condition of the M Relief that I am getting free of her social network (part of the problem) and her own issues Happiness that I have this opportunity to learn, recover and improve.
It just struck me that without really realizing it I have moved from 'Oh,God, how do I save my marriage?" to "OK,CD. This is unacceptable. It's time to save your dignity and honor'
"Do, or not do" Yoda from The Empire Strikes Back
What do you plan to do, CD? Actions speak far louder than words. Again, we all realize that you will do this on your own time. Yet at the same time prolonging this could potentially reduce the "shock" factor for W. Your call, buddy.
Interesting perspectives on what consitutes honor, integrity, and character. To me:
Honor: Action or a state of being that endears trust within yourself and from others. Doing something honorable means taking some action steps benefits yourself and other people.
Integrity: This can be closely interwined with honor. Some would argue it is an internal moral compass. Conduct brings about respect from self and others on a consistent basis.
Character: How you carry yourself in all of your interactions. You've all heard this..."What a character!" when describing people like Paris Hilton. Need to say more? No.
Sunny:
I think forgiving is a process that is dependent on the action and/or incident. If someone broke your vase, the forgiving phase may be a lot shorter than if your spouse betrays you with an affair. It all goes back to the level of investment in the item or person. One could make the argument that it is a type of attachment. It is a matter of perspective.
I will be leading the process of the Separation Agreement to insure that I am fully protected and that the conditions of the divorce are plain. We both need to know the exact details.
At this point, I do not intent to "push the button" on the actuall petitioning of the court to sign off. During the time of creating the Sep Agreement several things could occur to change my position-
I decide that I'm done (regardless of below)and will push the button Affair ends Her behavior/living conditions are unsafe for D2 She fails to adhere to the current financial/custody arrangement
I hope that clears up my position.
I was beginning to see that some of you felt I was "done" and running headlong to Divorce.
I am talking control and expediting the reality.
We BOTH need to see the nitty gritty.
But I need to know EXACTLY where I will stand if and when I have to push the button.
I think forgiving is a process that is dependent on the action and/or incident. If someone broke your vase, the forgiving phase may be a lot shorter than if your spouse betrays you with an affair. It all goes back to the level of investment in the item or person. One could make the argument that it is a type of attachment. It is a matter of perspective.
Yeah... you're right about that. I know forgiveness is also something you do for yourself not so much as the other person. It is all relative though, isn't it??? (As to how much time it takes!)
D-bomb around start of May. Confirmed affair July long weekend.
So that's two months since the affair pain...and that's the BIG hurt.
I certainly can't say it won't resurface here and there but it's not allconsuming anymore.
I've actually been able to get some real work done in the last couple weeks.
I guess it turned into acceptance and surrender.
That's likely wher the sadness comes into play. But the happiness is also there, too.
Two months of REALLY hard mental work.
Scariest roller coaster ever. Like the infidelity diet, I don't recommend it.
Heya CD,
Seems we have the same identical trend 2 months between Bomb and Truth, so now I guess I get to look forward to 2 months of pain/anger/sadness...then...
Wonder what D-Day feels like? Hopefully not as bad as OM/LieBust Day.
Good thing we have great support to get through this.
). Eventually, 