The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
The weekend was awesome. Spent it with my church family. Mostly youth. What a blast! Sun. Surf. Great weather. Great people. Very tiring, but very relaxing as well.

I realized a few things while there. It's not mine to hate her. I don't have to hate her. I can continue to love her as I have. I suspect I always will in some ways. But I don't have to accept the behavior either.

I had to go see her on Friday. She is my student dentist. I have braces from her. I was ready to get them off, but need two more appts. Ok. But while there I was not willing to talk to her in anyway other than professionally. I have no desire to be friends. I really don't like her to be honest. Not sure if that's how it should be, but that's how it is. I have no respect for her and no desire to be friends with somebody like her. Even how she treats her other "friends" is appalling to me. But I realize as well that I do love her even if I cannot be around her. I love her despite her flaws. I don't love her like a wife any longer. I don't look for opportunities to be around her. I don't want to be. I wouldn't pick her as a friend if I did not know her. No, it's just that I see her as broken. And I don't hate the sinner - just the sin. I realize that now. I accept that she is what she is and I accept that I had very little to do with her leaving. I can see that now as the pain continues to subside.

I know I'm working on that last bit of letting go. It's not easy as anyone here can attest. I am working on it however. I am enjoying life more often than not. Starting to recognize normalcy and starting to calm down from the rest of the things I was doing to "run away" from the situation. To ease the pain to a more tolerable level.

I find that I really do like me. I really do enjoy not having that nuttiness, guilt, and anger around me. Can't live like that. I have to be free from that. I was willing to live with it. I admit that. I did what I could to save the marriage. What I thought was right. What I could. But I see that it wasn't about me to begin with and that's why my efforts made little difference in the end.

I waited for her to make up her mind. She did. I am now making my decisions based on what I want. I have been for quite a while and I like that. That return to being me.

I wish her the best. I really do. I feel sad about her and the things she has done to the family in her selfishness. But I don't hate her for it. I do get angry at times, but that's normal I think. I think she has done her best and it just wasn't enough. Ok. Can't fault her for that at least.

I'm going to focus even more on me and my kids. They need some help. A lot. My daughter isn't sleeping well. My son has been very withdrawn. And they live like they have no home. It's sad.

But we'll continue to overcome. As we do. And we'll pick up the pieces and build a better life. For me, without her. And that should be easier than the last several years. It is. For the kids it's going to be a little more difficult. But I'll be there to help them. I won't let them get stuck or hurt more than I can help.

Peace.