Yes she is. Don’t kid yourself she is hurt, which is why she is running. You may see her happy and IMO she probably is BUT it is ONLY because every time she looks in the mirror, every time she tries to justify or rationalize her choices, every time she thinks about what this does to the family, every time she realizes that something in her is wrong…well when she looks it hurts –so she runs. She tries to do stuff that make her “feel” happy so that she does not have to face the pain. Keep this in the back of your mind throughout this process.
Very true indeed. The problems she has are scary. They are real (to her). Compassion is important Bobby. But so to is to trust her to figure herself out. Think of it this way, Bobby. You love her right? Enough to let her go? 'Cause if being with you is killing her... how can you reconcile that with yourself? If that were the choice?
There are a huge amount of emotions going through you right now. Hang on because there will be more. Likely she will try to get your attention much like a teen does. Believe me, it isn't pretty either. It'll hurt because she will be lashing out at you and knows you well enough to know how to hurt you. That'll last until you have enough courage to say it's enough.
The changes start with you having respect for yourself. Regardless of her reasons. And she will likely have many of them - some true and many not. If it's anything like what I've seen. Don't worry Bobby. You need to be the one that knows the truth. You need to be the one that respects you and the things you do.
As somebody remarked recently - the past does not define us. It's just how we got here. (Eric?)
What I'm trying to tell you is that you have to work on you. Start with your self-esteem. Start with your self-respect. Do it within the confines of the marriage. Recognize that she is in pain and will hide it from you and possibly herself. But it is there. Not as bad as your pain - worse. Because she controlled it. She decided it. Not you Bobby.
Build that self-esteem. Build your self-respect. Be the man you are and let her be the person she is. Be careful months from now when she talks about coming back that you pay attention to why. Be prepared to say no, not yet. It's still a respect thing and you must defend that to have a relationship because if you don't respect you, neither will she. And if she doesn't respect you, she will despise you. You won't be strong enough.
Try to put the worry aside. This is a common story, sadly enough. Put your efforts into you and take the high road in all things. Protect her as much as you are allowed without being intrusive. Above all, focus on you and your kids during this time. And do not pursue.
Why? The balance of relationships rests in that pursue or chase right? Pursue and you chase her away. She is trying to get away from you for reasons you cannot know. But she is. Let her go. Go the other direction.
Did you know that statistically 80% of people that leave come back at some point? Time is irrelevant in that statistic. But it happens. Did you also know that of those that return and leave a second time, only 20% ever come back again? Be sure to be you and to have the self-esteem and confidence to recognize when if it happens that you are ready to say no if she wants to come back for the wrong reasons.
Meanwhile, take the time to work on and focus on you. You can only control you (how many times have you heard that here?) Really, 10 years from now you will look back and realize that you cannot control another person. Nor would you want to most likely. That would just bore you to tears and the pressure would kill you at some point. Wear you down.
Work on you Bobby. Know that this will take a lot of time and the longer you waste time focusing on what she might do, the longer it will take you to see that you can do nothing about it except roll with it. Let her be free to do what she feels she needs to do. Completely free.
I'm tired and rambling. I know that. But I was intending to give you a glimpse of the possible to help you focus on you while she works on her.
Let it take as long as it takes, Bobby. It won't be faster than that anyway.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
