W stopped by this morning so we could take S4 to his first day of preschool together. We dropped him off, he gave us huge hugs when we were leaving. I grabbed her hand and held it on the walk out to the car. She looked at me and smiled. I was feeling like it was a good family moment so that's why I grabbed her hand. She gave it squeeze as I did.
Went back to my place, exchanged cars and a hug and sidemouth kiss, the usual crap. Whatever, if that's all she can do right now that is better than nothing, I look at it as she is coming around. For once I don't feel like I'm "settling for tablescraps" with these half-ass kisses because I don't expect them anymore.
Instead, I reached down and played a little grabass She didn't resist
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
John - I'm not sure what you think you're doing. The majority of the advice you have received on here suggested you STOP PURSUING and DETACH, but for some reason YOU have chosen to IGNORE it. What part of this strategy has worked before??
YOU are far from fixing this M. YOU are still trying to convince your WAW to give you another chance. Why?? She is a serial adulterer and YOU are chasing her. She has you wrapped and she knows it. Until you gain back the RESPECT and CONTROL of the R she will continue manipulating you with her immature, high school games.
Not sure what you're expecting to happen at retro, but your WAW is far from where she needs to be in order to really WANT to DO THE WORK because you haven't DETACHED and made her MISS/WANT YOU.
Like some other fellow members on this site. I'm not one to blow smoke. Divorce is serious business and I dont play games. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. Especially if you are not following the HARD-EARNED ADVICE you have been lucky enough to receive.
You're right PMA, I am expecting a lot of "good" to come out of the retro weekend. I have expectations, I'm not going to lie. Therefore I'm not detached.
I've decided for myself that if we come out of this Retro weekend and she has still decided to do no work for this M, I will go dark.
I would have gone dark before Retro, but was advised against action that potentially could damage the R more.
I don't know how to convey it, but the past three days have been wonderful for both of us. She is smiling a lot more, laughing at my jokes, initiating hugs and physical touch (which she has never done), has made a few slip ups and then apologized for saying something wrong to me, and is generally pretty happy. She even talked today of going to the beach again with me.
I know she is pulling me in, yes, I recognize it. But I'm conciously allowing her to do that before retro in 3 days.
Like I said, if we come back from Retro with nothing changed, things WILL change on how I treat this situation by going dark. I just didn't want to give her any ammunition to not go to Retro.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I get that, but haven't you said that you have done this before?? This cycle of breaking up then getting back together. Do you want this dynamic to continue? Regardless, of what you think is happening it's NOTHING NEW. She is going to continue cheating as long as YOU show her by YOUR ACTIONS that it's ok. Which is EXACTLY what you have been doing.
Being optimistic is great. If it was your first time down this road. Fool me once.... but you have been down this road many times according to what YOU have wrote. If that's true then once again good luck with things changing THIS TIME.
Long story short, she came over for lunch and as leaving said she was hiring the mediator and was calling them today. I told her OK, do what you have to do, I understand.
Then something overcame me, nothing I've experience before. I had a very serious panic attack. Very serious. Started hyperventilating and crying - it was pretty bad. She took me back inside and called my doctor, I was a mess for an hour or so. Completely back-tracked 100% and said all the wrong things, but I couldn't help it, something took over my body and mind and I just had the most horrible feeling like I was going to die inside and I was so broken. I don't know what brought it on, but the stress of all of it just caught up with me and I broke terribly and she was there helping me.
She was really nice but had a cold look on her face, said that she saw I was making changes and liked them, but didn't want to give me false hope, etc.
It is absolutely crystal clear to me now that she doesn't want to be in THIS marriage. She loves me, but can't live with me. Doesn't know if she ever can even if I make all those changes. I'm seeing now that holding on to hope this hard has only given me heartbreak.
Pretty terrible day. I guess I've hit my breaking point finally. I didn't think I could go any lower. I have. I'm absolutely broken now. Still going to Retrouvialle, she said we could talk more about it there.
Sorry everyone - I'm so sorry i broke every piece of advice given me here. I've slid 100% backwards. Time to pick myself up I guess.
Last edited by john28; 09/07/1008:09 PM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I suffer from panic attacks. Actually, during my situation I was diagnosed with a situation panic disorder. Deal with this today. Don't do what I did and try and hide it or manage it on your own. Once a panic attack that severe hits your brain becomes "wired" to allow many, many more.
You mind finally realized you had no more control and your body reacted.
You did backslide (I have been following along). You seem to really stick to the advice you like and sort of bypass the rest.
Your W was nice to you for a few days because she wanted to have Retro and the mediator all wrapped up in one nice pkg. and it's much easier to do that on good terms. It wasn't about "family time" or anything else other than her getting a very good vantage point for the next phase.
You didn't break every piece of advice you were given, you just blew it all off!
Stop jumping to her every request - no more movies, no more dates, no more family outings.... it's simply not authentic at this time and you have not yet learned to manage expectations or detach.
I'm so sorry. Have you talked to your doctor about anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds before? They really help. Perhaps if you can get onto more of an "even keel," you and your wife can revisit the marriage at some point in the future, maybe even as soon as your Retrou weekend. Right now, you probably frightened her a little, and she's not feeling very safe with you.
My wife has frequently suffered from stress attacks. Drinking ice cold water seems to be her cure; our doctor isn't very worried. They've gotten worse the last month...
She didn't resist