Hello all, I have been reading these posts for a couple weeks as well as DB and DR. By the time I realized there was a problem in my marriage my wife had left and im on the LRT. Here is a backround of my story so far.
We have had ups and downs, but nothing major until this. I am an army veteran currently attending ROTC and my local university. My wife is a high school math teacher. We married young, but have managed it well i thought, our son was planned and seems to be the point in time that our marriage went down hill. We stopped going out together and I stopped appreciating her. Instead i invested most of my efforts into school and the army. I have been very successfull in this area and am starting my senior year tomoroow. However, all the time and effort that I put into my own amibtions I stopped giving into our marriage.
Instead of going out to dinner for our anniversary we had an argument. The next day I left for Training, but we had decided we were going to work things out. While I was away I came to realize how much my marriage ment to me, but once I returned my wife had grown very distant. Her passords were changed,(I wasnt snooping, but have to log in her email to handle phone issues from time to time, she says that it was because it was always automatically popping up, i didnt ask for the new one and dropped it there) She claims no affair, and i would like to believe that we have been honest with eachother, but I am aware it is a possibillity.
Once I was home I pursued her a lot. I am sure I made it uncomfortable for her at home, and she left a couple weeks after I got back. She went to a marriage counselor, but the counselor told her that she had to be willing to work on the marriage before scheduling another appointment. She wasnt willing to want to work it out, and for too long I was waiting for that reassurance before working on things myslef. Her reasons for leaving are that she is not attracted to me, we are like roommates, she just doesn't feel it, we have nothing in common, and she does not love me. Shortly after this she moved out to her mother's.
We have been exchanging our son a few times a week to accomidate my school schedule, and she is friendly and cooperative. However when I was trying to reason things out with her she dropped the D bomb. After a couple more weeks I had been feeling pretty good about things and asked her on a picnic, which she denied and in turn asked if we could meet to discuss divorce papers. She wants to file jointly and create all the plans together. I told her that I was not ready to go over those plans with her yet, because I want to work things out (our marriage), I told her that after a few weeks of school I should be in a better rythm and schedule to discuss things further. She said she was ok with that. That was the 29th of AUG.
Since then I have been working on my 180 and LRT. I have found some great areas to change that are for the betterment of my life but would undoubtedly help our marriage, like focusing on how i spend my time vs how i spend my money, and realizing that I am responsible for my happiness, she is just a great bonus. She does not want counseling because she had a bad experience with the last one, that one had an agenda for us to get back to gether. I have seen a counselor of my own, but he has been no help, the books and this forum are more helpful. I think she may be open to reading the book if I suggest it to her, but see some people post not to do that, But I also see some people post that after suggesting it to thier spouse things got better. Sorry my post is so lenghty, but wow am I worried to see my family fall apart when there is so much potential for a better relationship.
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
There is a lot of room for one, I was gone for a month, and I never really got to know her co workers. I know that she has been out boating with some of them, and she spent the last weekend out with friends while I had our son. If there is an OP how does that change my situation?
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
Depends. There are two accepted strategies for DBing; the first is if there's an affair/OP, then you aggressively bust the affair. The second strategy applies whether or not there's an OP: it's basically Gucci Loafer's set them free strategy:
If there is an OP how does that change my situation?
Her emotional needs are met by another man. She's infatuated with this guy and her thinking is screwed up (PEA chemicals). A OM is a lifeboat she can leave you because she has a soft place to land. A OM is wrong. She's spending time, money, energy, love, affection, thoughts and dreams away from her family. Your efforts will be thwarted. It will eat away at your self-esteem to let the A continue.
You need to do your intel on this. Phone records, txts, IMs, e-mails. Notice anything new she is doing? Texting all the time, different music, clothes, grooming, perfume, etc.
It changes how you approach DB if there is an affair. There is a good decision tree over on the "Infidelity" forum.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I do not have access to texts, phone records im's or emails. She did buy some new clothes, but she does every year before school starts, havent noticed perfume.
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
Can you put a keylogger program on her computer? That'll give you passwords to anything she does online. Also, you can look at phone bills, no? Most show call listings. Be creative. Your marriage may depend on it.
Sheesh, I dont know if I want to spy. She never uses her computer here, and the phone account is through her email, so I would be acting suspiciously by somehow mentioning i need access to the records
Me 25 W 28 M 5yr S 18MO Big Argument 6/13 (Anniversary) Left for Military Training 6/14 Return 7/12 Seperated 8/1 D Bomb 8/7 EA Discovered 9/7 EA Busted 9/8
Her passords were changed,(I wasnt snooping, but have to log in her email to handle phone issues from time to time, she says that it was because it was always automatically popping up, i didnt ask for the new one and dropped it there) She claims no affair
Quote:
Sheesh, I dont know if I want to spy.
If you are going to be an officer then you better get comfortable with spying.
So she's going to just ditch your marriage because she no longer "feels it" ? I would spy to find out what is going on?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
