She called me the first night that I had the kids and asked how things were going. I said fine, the kids had fun. She wanted to talk to them about their first day of school and I said ok, but D is already in bed. W says, yeah, she didn't sleep much last night. I don't know if she was nervous about school or about staying over at your house or what (D was fine at my house). She also said that she was very tired too and that she hadn't slept hardly at all the previous night.
All the she's confuses me. I can make assumptions (and try to read from context) ie W said D was very tired or W said "I hardly slept last night"....Dbing for me also includes clearer communications.
They were both tired and hadn't slept. W has told me numerous times now how W isn't sleeping well. I stopped by our house about 11:45am on Saturday to pick up a few things. I rang the bell and waited and waited. Almost thought nobody was home, but her car was in the garage. She finally came to the door and she looked HORRIBLE. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought she was dying. She looks like a skeleton with huge red pimples on her face. If I didn't know her for 23 years, she is not someone I would choose to date at this point!!
I asked her if she had still been in bed and she said yes, she didn't sleep hardly at all last night and had moved to D's bed to try to sleep. I think the bed is softer. She invited me in, I got the couple of things that I needed and then left. We only chatted for a few minutes. I should probably be more worried about her, but I just don't feel it. I guess all the BS that has gone on has really caused me to detach. Too bad for her, but I am moving on with my life with my kids.
I had the kids for the weekend and picked-up the kids from school on Friday afternoon. It was pouring rain at the school. We live about 5 mins south of school and no rain there, so we decided to go swimming for a while. Cable guy came and hooked-up cable and internet service late on Friday evening.
Saturday morning, my Mom and Sister came over, but the weather had turned pretty cold, so no swimming. We worked on cleaning-up some more from the move and I went to the grocery store to stock-up.
Sunday I had a fantasy football draft to go to and 15 mins before it was time to leave I got a call that there was to be a showing at the house in the afternoon. Ran around like a mad-man cleaning. Mom and sister were taking the kids to Mom's house later, so they finished cleaning-up and I met them all and my brother later in the day. Had fun at the draft party. Had a few beers and threw some horseshoes after the draft.
Monday we were supposed to go fishing on Lake Michigan, but the weather was too nasty. Hung out at Mom's while the kids played together. Early afternoon we walked out the pier to the lighthouse. I used to fish there when I was a kid. It's about a 1/2 mile walk out there and it reminded me of times when I was young and when W and I had walked out there early in our relationship. Made me feel kind of melonchaly. Watched some guys in a boat pull in a big king salmon, so that was kind of fun. There was also some kind of surfing event going on there and there were quite a few surfers with wet suits in the lake. That is some COLD water.
Was supposed to drop off the kids at 6pm, but they called Mom to see if they could hang out with me a while longer. They thought they might swim. They decided it was too cold to swim, but wanted to stay anyway, so I got them home by 7:30. Stopped by old neighbor for a quick beer and a chat. Got home in time to relax for just a bit and then hit the hay!
Just got an e-mail from W. She is upset because I told the kids they might be at my house on Thursday, but I wasn't sure. Our temporary court order gives me the kids on Wed nights and every other Fri, Sat and Sun nights.
When we went to mediation, the mediator told us that if we could come to an agreement, we should start it right away before/when school started so the kids wouldn't have to change again in the middle of the year.
We have agreed to the following schedule:
Mom: Sun night, Mon, Tue Dad: Wed, Thur Alternate: Fri, Sat, Sun day
I told her that based on the mediator's recommendation, I would like to start this schedule now. She responded that she would "prefer to leave the child placement as is stated in the court order." And that she "was under the assumption we are still following the court order, which is for Wednesday and every other weekend, Fri, Sat, Sunday, until that is changed in court, which may occur at the mediation hearing on [Oct] 12th.
I asked her what the reason is to wait, but have not heard back. IMO, the only reason she doesn't want to change now is because the support payments will drop, substantially.
I have a meeting with my L tomorrow and will go over all of this with her. I am pretty sure she will file a motion with the court to adjust the schedule.
Was thinking about my situation over lunch and decided that I have started pushing pretty hard on getting everything resolved in terms of child placement, support payments, housing, etc.
Should I be slowing down a bit to wait and see where this goes rather than accelerating the situation?
When I was reading, "Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice", it mentioned that women aren't designed to need men, but men need women. If you are pushing for your own sanity and it is making you a more attractive person to want (not need), then it seems like a good idea. If she is finding new ways to hate you...maybe step carefully but with confidence.
Was thinking about my situation over lunch and decided that I have started pushing pretty hard on getting everything resolved in terms of child placement, support payments, housing, etc.
Should I be slowing down a bit to wait and see where this goes rather than accelerating the situation?
What will slowing down gain you? Do you want to move on, or stay in the current situation?
When structuring custody and support agreements it's not about looking "attractive"... it's about building the foundation for the LBS to create a new framework for his/her family minus the WAS.
There is no reason to wait to hear back and there is no longer any reason for you to sit around and wait for her to file something first. If you would like to change the arrangement and asked her in a reasonable fashion to work with you. If she does not respond or offer something in a timely manner then move up the chain of command.
When structuring custody and support agreements it's not about looking "attractive"... it's about building the foundation for the LBS to create a new framework for his/her family minus the WAS.
There is no reason to wait to hear back and there is no longer any reason for you to sit around and wait for her to file something first. If you would like to change the arrangement and asked her in a reasonable fashion to work with you. If she does not respond or offer something in a timely manner then move up the chain of command.
Very well put.
Decide what you want based on what is good for the kids. What is good for your kids is good for you and WAS.
The cheapest and best path is to negotiate with WAS. If that fails, move to parenting coordinator, mediator, lawyers, then last resort judges.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Was thinking about my situation over lunch and decided that I have started pushing pretty hard on getting everything resolved in terms of child placement, support payments, housing, etc.
Should I be slowing down a bit to wait and see where this goes rather than accelerating the situation?
What will slowing down gain you? Do you want to move on, or stay in the current situation?
I have read many times that DBing takes time and patience and that the divorce process can be as long or as short as you want it to be. Does slowing down a bit give her time to think about this more and perhaps time to change her mind?
While I really don't want to stay in the current situation for too long, I guess I am not really clear in my own head that I am completely DONE with this relationship yet. Would I take her back if she wanted to come back? I'm not sure, but the alternative doesn't look extremely attractive at this point either. I'm just not sure.........
