Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
Oh, and of COURSE she says they're "just friends." ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD. The sooner you come to grips with that part of this, the better you'll be able to operate going forward, bk.
So I "happened" to find more than a few emails on my W's computer of at the very least an EA with an OM. Really painful to read as it was happening while we were still living together.
bk, this is precisely why I was trying to get you to open up your mind to the possibility that many of your wife's marital complaints were simply the "re-writing of marital history" that we learn about when we study affairs. Once a woman's (or a man's, for that matter) brain gets flushed with the PEAs (endorphines) that accompany a new relationship, she will then begin to not only be blocked to you emotionally, but will actually RE-WRITE YOUR MARITAL HISTORY, claiming to be "unhappy for a long, long time," for instance.
This is SCRIPT, and it happens in nearly EVERY affair.
I liked what someone from the MLC forum posted on CD Bear's thread: focus not on their laundry list of complaints, but on those few that "sting." In other words, those ones that -- in YOUR heart of hearts -- you know to be true. Because someone in an affair will gaslight you every time.
You're right. I'm at fault for part of this but not all of it. She walked away. I'm not sure how to confront without her twisting it around that I have spied on her or violated her privacy and that once again I'm selfish and immature. We're not talking now and haven't spoken face to face in a few weeks. She is self destructive and sabotaging any chance of reconciliation. So pissed.
You're right. I'm at fault for part of this but not all of it. She walked away. I'm not sure how to confront without her twisting it around that I have spied on her or violated her privacy and that once again I'm selfish and immature.
You simply say "I know all about you and _______ , and it needs to stop, now. It's incredibly direspectful to me and to our marriage."
If she asks you HOW you know, say "I'm not going to tell you that," and STICK TO THAT.
NEVER REVEAL THE SOURCE(S) OF YOUR INTEL!!!
bk, I'm not sure why you feel it's "selfish and immature" to try to protect your wife from a predator.
It's not selfish and immature to protect her from a predator. I meant her perception would be that I was selfish and immature for spying on her or for invading her privacy. I am battling perception and reality at the same time.
If she denies it again, do I show her the emails? I will confront her about the OM and have before but she said he was just a friend. I will be more forceful but if I pull out the emails, she'll know where I got them from.
If she denies it again, do I show her the emails? I will confront her about the OM and have before but she said he was just a friend. I will be more forceful but if I pull out the emails, she'll know where I got them from.
Sorry to be blunt, bk, but what part of NEVER REVEAL THE SOURCE(S) OF YOUR INTEL!!!
didn't you understand? I take the time to bold things for a reason.
All you have to say, if she starts with the "we're just friends" thing, is: (putting your hand up in the "STOP" position): "Stop it. We BOTH know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. I know all about you and _________ , and what you're doing, and I'm telling you, I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE. Do with that information what you will, but I'm not going to stand here and have you lie to my face."
It's not selfish and immature to protect her from a predator. I meant her perception would be that I was selfish and immature for spying on her or for invading her privacy. I am battling perception and reality at the same time.
And I'm saying, don't focus on her perceptions right now. Focus on "Doing The Right Thing."
"I'm sorry you feel that way. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing to fight for my marriage and my family."
That one's really hard to argue with (altho they'll often tell you "Well, I WAS thinking of getting back TOGETHER with you, but now you've BLOWN any chance . . .") b.s.
I'm sure I'll hear the "I was thinking about getting back together with you..." line. So manipulative.
DOING THE RIGHT THING. Not always clear. Is doing the right thing confronting her or pulling way the hell back and not speaking with her and let her go. You've mentioned both and that I should confront first. Torn. Some of the things said on the link including letting her family members know of the OM will humiliate her and end any chance pretty quickly it would seem.
I'm sure I'll hear the "I was thinking about getting back together with you..." line. So manipulative.
DOING THE RIGHT THING. Not always clear. Is doing the right thing confronting her or pulling way the hell back and not speaking with her and let her go. You've mentioned both and that I should confront first. Torn. Some of the things said on the link including letting her family members know of the OM will humiliate her and end any chance pretty quickly it would seem.
It often seems that way. Rarely happens, however. After they get over their initial LIVID-NESS ("lividity"??), they usually calm down, and sometimes even a nicer, more respectful wayward emerges, thru some combination of genuine respect toward your strong stand and some "play nicey-nice" legal stance perhaps.
Look, we could debate "2a" vs. "2b" all day long. All I'm saying is, WHATEVER you do, you do for your kids, and for you, and because it's The Right Thing to Do, NOT because of how angry it will make her, and how uncomfortable that anger will make YOU feel in the short run.
Once person's "humiliation" is another one's "consequences."
