This morning I got an email from H asking how work was going. We made some small talk about my day and his day. Then I told him I was annoyed about something regarding a paper that I have to write for a course I'm attending. He said he didn't know what to tell me, so I explained that I just need him to listen and try to understand how I feel about it. I asked if I can vent some more and he said sure.
So then I wrote a paragraph about all my frustrations with that course (it just recently piled up on me) and in the end I said "Please ask me questions if there is something unclear. I know there's nothing you can do about it, but making me feel listened to will help me feel better." He replied that he doesn't know what I want.
I always kept those kind of things to myself, but he has complained - and rightfully so - that I don't share them, so I've been trying to. I know it makes him feel pretty helpless so I was trying to explain to him what I need from him. So I replied "I want you to take interest in it so that I don't feel like I'm babbling about something you don't care about. If we were in a room, I'd like you to just sit there and listen to me with attention. I know it's kinda hard to recreate through email... and I'm not upset that you don't know what to do or say. I do feel better now that I got it all out."
Then we joked a bit about the way I worded something and eventually he said "I can pretend to take interest in it". Ummm that's not exactly what I meant... so I said "I'm not sure what to tell you. I'd like you to have interest in important things in my life just like I have interest in yours. I don't mean every silly thing that bothers me, it's ok if you pretend to have interest in that, but not the things that really matter."
He replied "This is another reason why I don't think we should have gotten married." I asked what does he mean but he didn't write back. After a while I sent him another email "I don't understand, do you mean that we shouldn't take interest in things that are important to each other?", no reply either. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't have written the last one, but I almost wanted to tell him that if he thinks so, then maybe we shouldn't be married anymore.
I just don't know what to do now. Ok, yes I know, GAL and PMA. But this is a pattern that keeps repeating, we're having a conversation and suddenly he throws something like this and won't talk anymore.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
He replied "This is another reason why I don't think we should have gotten married."
Next time, write him "I am sorry you feel that way" and continue on with your day.
Also, if he doesn't respond to you, then don't keep writing to him/calling him.
You said yourself the pattern keeps repeating, so break it. Don't play with the same dynamics you ahve with in the past. Switch it up. You are opening up to him and he's meeting it with a brick wall. GAL, GAL, GAL.
But it seems like it happens every time we have a more substantial conversation, not just when I open up. Should I refuse to talk about anything other than how mine and his day went?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Well by substantial conversation I mean any conversation going beyond "How are you" "Oh ok, you?" "Yeah, I'm doing good too". Except for yesterday's "non-conversation", all recent talks ended with a blow up on his side after seemingly going kinda ok.
I don't know, maybe I should refuse talk to him altogether? But I don't really want to cause how can we make any steps forward then?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Either set a boundary where you won't tolerate him "blowing up" or simply avoid serious conversations for a while. From what you wrote, he didn't seem to blow up so much as not want to keep talking. Don't force/encourage him to. He's obviously not ready.
It's not always me bringing up the serious conversations, he does it just as much. I know today I started, but with the previous talks it was mostly him. So I'll try not to get drawn into conversation like this.
Regarding that boundary, how can I enforce it at all if he just drops a rude/accusing/hurtful line and that's where it ends? I can't leave the conversation if he already left?
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Perhaps email/chat isn't the best place for serious talks? Just keep them light and to the point. Make him come to you if he wants more. And then, beat feet if he get's upset. I love that phrase. Actually, just try to listen and validate for him.
Email and IM is the only way we can talk because there is 8 hours difference in timezones between us. We could talk on the phone on the weekends but he refuses.
What should I do then if he starts a serious talk, just change the subject? Not answer? Or upfront tell him that I won't talk about it through email?
This conversation is helping me a lot Pinhead, thank you!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
I would be upfront and say that some things are best discussed over the phone. Email and chat allow for so many misunderstandings, though phone isn't perfect either.
Remember, you can control how you interact with him...
