My New LBS Reality

[ericmsant2]

IB

Chit sounds like you have one hell of a weekend.

Hey the stuff with the kids…that chit happens. It is normal to “associate” every negative or issues that happens in your life right now to what is going on between you and H. Don’t. Change how you look at things. I mean, do you think the kids left stuff out of the fridge because of what is going on between you and your H. Doubt it. So breath, take a step back and realize it is what it is.

Sounds like you recovered and ended the weekend on a good note.

Now on to the really hard stuff….

Why was I controlling? Fear of screwing things up - fear of not doing the "right" things to have a "great" life. Fear that I would end up like my parents - selfish, self-absorbed, neglectful, abdicators of responsibility. Why the esteem issues - to be honest through IC I think that I have found that the lack of self esteem goes back to if I wasn't worth enough for my parents to take care of me then I wasn't worth anything. I know this is f'd up thinking but it's where the root of my problems are. From that point, I have worked my a$$ off trying to be "worthy" of love, affection, attention. Never wanted to be a burden. Just recently learning that this has manifested itself in controlling behavior.

Take a look up there ^^^^^…..

I see fear… a lot of it. What is fear (hey ask Mach…he hunted me on the boards until I dug in and look at some serious stuff). Base on your post it looks like you are starting to look – that is good. You and YOUR H will benefit from this. Okay…so you’re probably wondering why I say that you BOTH will benefit. It is simple…..

If you reconcile….your H will see a new and improved IB.

If you do not reconcile….your H will see a new and improved IB. One that may prompt him to want to look inside of himself and well…once he does that…ya never know what could happen.

Either way…IB will be better. Stronger. Smarter.

fear of not doing the "right" things

Ya know I just had this conversation last night with a guy from the boards (I will not call you out dude but you know who you are)…What is right? Is the fact that YOUR H hit a crisis and is doing things that hurt YOU not right? Is the fact that some of your controlling was not address sooner – not right? I guess it really depends on how you look at it. Right?

Now…in truly healthy relationships, I believe we learn that each of us in entitled to define our own version of what is right. Are either parties wrong? IMO – NO. Just different. Different does not mean wrong.

So YOUR right…should be YOUR truth. Your H’s right…well that is on him. In both cases, there are “results” (I no longer use consequence since it has a negative connotation to it) of each of your choice to do what is “right”. So I believe YOU need to keep doing what you think is right and realize that what I or anyone else for that matter believes is right could be different but it should not change YOUR views.

to have a "great"

What is a great life? I mean really. Is it a big house, nice cars, perfectly landscape yard with a chitty marriage? Is it a wonderful marriage but one where you live in poverty? Is it being alone? Is it “feeling” that you are in love? IMO – a great life is one lived! Living life does not mean you do not endure pain and hurt. On the contrary…the pain and hurt are a part of life..so if you’re feeling it your living. Now…what do YOU do with this life to make it great? Honestly….I think ya try to be happy with whatever cards God has dealt you. I believe it is how you look at life that makes it great.

Fear that I would end up like my parents

You will if YOU choose to be like them. It seems that you do not want to be like them. If that is indeed the case, then I believe that the first step is to forgive them and forgive yourself. B already mentioned that they did the best they could with what they new. You IB…just need to do better. You will never be perfect it – none of us will. Perfect is for God…you on the other hand must just do your part, which is to be the best that you can be. PERIOD.

my parents - selfish, self-absorbed, neglectful, abdicators of responsibility.

Ya don’t want me talking about my mama…holly chit I already posted my history (a little humor here IB…just a little humor). On a serious note though…you know what the beauty of this is….Forgiveness. Forgive you parents…..accept it for what it was. Release this hurt IB. Also, have you considered that some of what they may or may not have done – was instrumental in making YOU who YOU are. You may feel down on yourself IB. I have felt this often. But guess what, at your core you are wonderful. I say this because you are here on these boards standing for your M. You must be wonderful – most would cut and run – not YOU. So take some pride in knowing that you are wonderful just because you really are. We all are IB…

the lack of self esteem goes back to if I wasn't worth enough for my parents to take care of me then I wasn't worth anything.

IB – if you have not read my thread I suggest you do. I was abused, neglected, abandoned – multiple times. And more recently abandoned by the one person that I thought never would. My self esteem was in the chitter. As a matter of fact, if I can be so honest as to say that myself respect was in the chitter too. Everything was in the chitter…everything…UNTIL….

I realized that it was not my fault. IB – the things your parents did to you were not your fault. Actually, may not be your parents fault either. It may be the only way they knew. So sit down for a second and accept what happened to you and then take a step for YOURSELF and YOURSELF only to let it go and promise YOURSELF that you will do better. The best you can.

Your self esteem issues, well those may be around for a bit. But call them what they are. Realize that those self esteem issues are just fears – fears that you HAVE and will face. Fears that you can say..you will deal with. It is not easy IB. But at the end of the day, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR CO WORKERS…..they love your for YOU IB. They love because of WHO YOUR ARE. Now if they can love you can’t ya just love yourself.

Let all the pain go IB….just let it go…

I did and so can you.

God Bless,
Eric