I found out a little over a week ago that my wife is having an EA that has been going on for about 4-5 months. It has slowly been transitioning to a PA. The night I found out we had a big blow up. I have already told her that if she wants to stay with me, she has to have no contact with the OP. We talked some more the next day, and I tried to convince her to stay and that our marriage and family was worth trying to save. She told me the OP has told her that they will suicide if she leaves them. Although it is hard for me to accept, I understand that she has feelings for this person and has to sort them out. She asked for a week to think without me pressuring her. I did my best to give her that week. She stayed at our house, but not our room.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, jammed.
Your W basically is asking your permission to have an A. OP will kill them self if she leaves is her excuse/justification for having A. In reality, if W thought her lover was a danger to him/her self, W would probably do something to prevent that, i.e. stage intervention, call mental hospital, etc.
You haven't specified gender. Is W involved w/OM or OW?
Originally Posted By: jammed
Friday night, she asked if I would hate her if she went and spent the weekend with a friend. I was not exactly thrilled, but I told I would not hate her and that she could go. She is to be back sometime today. I found this site and a few others that I have been reading. They have helped some, and I feel some better knowing that I am not alone although I wish none of us were here at all.
Again, W asked your permission to go spend the weekend w/her lover. The I need space, time, distance speech is code for I need to figure out how to have a lover & still keep my spouse.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I keep moving from being where I think I am in control of myself, and then the next moment I am crying and wondering what I could do to "fix" this. I know in my head that I cannot do anything, and I think that is part of the problem. I keep thinking that if only I had listened better to her, if only, if only, if only. I know it doesn't do me any good to think that way, but I cannot seem to stop.
What you can do, which will make you feel better pretty quickly is to inform W of your boundaries regarding her A. Such as: W, I will not live in an open M. Read up on boundaries.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I desperately want our marriage to be saved. I love her and have loved her for most of my life. I feel the betrayal and I don't understand why she did it. I cannot help but think it is my fault, even though I know that I did not make the choice to cheat. I do know that I helped make the marriage bad enough that it happened.
It isn't your fault your W is having A. Even when W tells you that it is, remember that SHE decided to cheat on you.
Originally Posted By: jammed
I don't know for sure when she will be home today. I am so afraid that she is going to tell that she is leaving. I know I have to let her go, but I don't want to. I am afraid that if I just let her go, she will think I don't care that she is leaving. I know if I try to cling, or force, or argue it will only push her further away, but how do I show that I want to fight for us and not just take it lying down?
Stand up for yourself. W, I did some thinking while you were away. I will not live in an open M. I'm not sure of whether this M can be saved. Suggest to W that she start looking for a new place to live. She just came back from spending the weekend w/her lover. Don't delude yourself. The sooner you internalize that bit of truth, the easier it is to do what [b]you need to do to protect yourself. [/b]
