Hi, I am back on the board after 4 years from getting my wife back after a split.
The information and support I got was invaluable in getting my marriage back, but I have let all the good work good to waste and she wants out again!!!!
We got back together after I started to change as a person, lost weight, got involved in various activities, and made her No1 in my life, but some how we have fell into the same old routine and she wants out.
She has told me I'm a loner, who does not interact, aggressive in the way I speak, don't do anything with her as a couple, I have mood swings, and she has had enough, I cannot argue with anything she has said, but I'm totally lost without her?
I know I have gone back over,I have no life other than home and work, we don't do anything as a couple anymore, after putting this right previously, she goes to the gym and has friends, whilst I'm happy just to be at home and it's not working.
Anyway, yesterday she has told me that she wants me to leave and find somewhere else to live, I knew it was coming as the tension had been building for about a month, I said that I don't want to leave her or the children, both under 12, and that I want to work on putting it right.
She said that it was too late, I had worn her down and enough was enough, I had to go.
I explained that I was not walking out on her and my family, I loved them all too much and I want to put it right, she then said that she would have to leave then, I told her I cannot control what she does, but I want to be able to put things right, my son heard all this and got upset, my wife went to console him but he pushed her away and came to me saying he did not want to go, she then accused me of manipulating him beacuse I cuddled him? what was I suppose to do push him away??
Anyway, we slept in seperate beds but I'm so scared of loosing her, this morning I left for work after a polite "alright"
I admit I might not have been the best husband/father, I have a stressful job and I tend to bring it home, which I hate, but I love my family, my lifestyle and don't want to loose it!!!
I don't know what to expect tonight, I'm backing off and not pestering her for answers, but hate the fact I have messed it all up again, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
No I stayed in the bed she move to another room, I was in there first it was not an issue we discussed and agreed.
I had moved rooms when we had issues years ago, but this time I thought why should I, I accept there is a problem and I have done wrong, but I want to do something about it.
I know about the work stress issue, I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday to talk about it and see if there is anything they can do to help?
Just trying to look at myself on how I can make ME better, it needs to happen without all this, might go for a run tonight?
I have totally stopped any forms of exercise in the last few years, it was always she went to the gym, and I stayed at home to look after the kids, by the time she got in I had a few beers and there was no running going to be done!!!
But I'm making an effort to not have a drink at home at this time, and even if I have a run at 10.00pm so be it, it's what I want to do from now on not what suit her.
I'm trying to find positives but it is hard, I love her, but I know I have hurt her.
I'm curious, what are YOUR marital complaints? Do you have any? You seem to be taking the blame for all of this backsliding into old patterns in your marriage. That's usually not healthy.
I am only trying to identify and change what I can control.
Yes, I am moody, I can appear distant and not interested, but it's mainly due to thinking about work, I know it's wrong but it has happened, I cannot deny it.
My wife has her faults yes, but I don't think that they have contributed to the way I feel or act?, or maybe they do?
She said last night that when I'm out with friends I'm the life and soul of the party and she is right, but at home I'm different, I don't think there is anything wrong with that, who can be the joker all the time, but it may have something to do with how she acts?, never thought of it like that before?
I just don't know what to do, just trying to focus on me, what else can I do?
I am only trying to identify and change what I can control.
I wasn't asking you to try to change her. I was just asking you what YOUR marital complaints were.
It's widely held here that we are to JETTISON our old marriages when we go thru this, and try to instead build a NEW one, from healthier, stronger positions and foundation. You can't do that if you don't "identify" -- and then learn to communicate to her -- what it is YOU need from the marriage.
It's really easy (and tempting) to focus all your energy on giving your wife what she needs/wants, especially right now. But that's the path to more failure.
I know what my wife's complaints are now, after listening and thinking the last two months. BUT I also know what I want;
I want quality time with her. I want physical attention (not just sex). I want emotional intimacy. I want fun times with just her (not family outings). I want honesty and openness, not game playing.
Think of all the things you've dreamed of in a "perfect relationship." Through out all the nonsense of marathon 7 day love making sessions. Figure out what you want and need, and then try to determine if she can meet those needs.
