I hope you aren't suggesting that I'm full of poison.
I don't believe I'm acting from that position at all.
There is nothing vengefull in my plan from my perspective. I am merely intending to:
-eliminate the last crumb of cake eating -FULLY protect myself -expose W to the complete view of the abyss -commitment to OM -her budget -her living condition/std of living change -the unworkability of friendship/emotional conx to me post-D -increase her reliance on her limited support network/OM -set the starting point of my next journey -change the dynamic to ME making decisions -changes OUR view to future rather than 'existing in limbo' -increases mutual 'independence' (for better or worse)
I believe this is healthy for both of us. I can get more comfortable and see more optimism in the sitch; she may see that Divorce improves nothing-or not.
It still allows for reconciliation at any stage down the road. But it gets us going 'down the road' rather than standing still.
I would challenge you why you thought I was directing it to your choice
I thought that because you are one to point out 'challenges' and ask me to question my motives....as you do above. Let's say I felt "an expectation".
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
...if any (honestly) is to teach W a lesson or to punish. Or even for any expectation of HER behavior or choices at all.
Honestly, if anything, though I am fully prepared for her to 'jump', I am hoping that by seeing the emptiness of the abyss, she pauses to consider her own motives before deciding whether to jump or turn back.
From my perspective, it is the lesser of two evils. By doing nothing and waiting for her to handle the 'hard stuff of the D', I am enabling and solidifying her comfort in the A. Inaction on my part also suggests an acceptance of the situation and a softness to my boundary of NOT living in an open marriage. At least by setting a timeframe/agenda, I am acting on my boundary and leading by example. If this is her decision-and she is free to make it-then other actions are required on her part beyond simply sending me a letter and sleeping with someone else.
Like our M, THIS decision ALSO requires a comittment. A comittment to OM and/or 'the new reality'. And it will also aid me in solidifying my own position regarding my commitment to the M and MY 'new reality'
Hmmm.... good ole' motives. I guess we all have to examine them, right??? It really is important to ask ourselves the hard questions but also important to cut ourselves some needed slack occasionally. :-) I mean, dang, we all want to throttle our WS's for doing this to us at times, right??? LOL
Sometimes you cannot wait until you move out of anger to move. To wait for forgiveness to give you the green light to move forward may take a lifetime.
Trugritter I know exactly what you're saying up there, but it also smacks of a Utopian and perfect world.
No one can ever say what their motives truly are. Many things push from the subconscious level and we aren't even aware of it. We all have blindspots, and we will take many of those to our graves - if you can't see the blindspots how can you possibly question the motives if they are driven by a blind-spot?
You can't possibly tell me everything you do is out of a pure motive void of any negativity or negative flavor. No one can. This I can assure you, or that person would have to be perfect.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not attacking your point of view. I once held such a high standard and have found it didn't work for me. In a vacuum, maybe, but not in the 'reality' I find myself in.
I would be remiss if I was to claim I didn't want some form of revenge or payback. Not from me but from life. As time goes on that desire has decreased and I expect it to eventually disappear all together. But I am not in that place yet. But still, I must act. I catch myself when I see I'm acting out of bad motives, but I can guarantee there have been many actions soured with ill feelings which went right past my radar. I do my best. It's all I can expect.
Even Jesus flipped the tables with anger in the Temple. :-)
"Anger is the poison you drink waiting for the other person to die."
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
