I am taking my two sons rock climbing today. It will be our first attempt at doing this. Told my youngest son to bring his camera so I hope to get some good shots for Fb. I hope she is looking at my profile...I might ruin my nail job in the process.
The reason for monkey brains is due to conflicting strategies.
If I follow the phases of reconciliation then I want to get rid of negative feelings that my W has of me. Therefore, I would recognize her b-day with the email and still give her access to my condo mailbox (she still has a key).
However, if I follow letting them go and detachment and reading past actions from my W. Then I would not acknowledge my W's b-day, (why does she care if I say "Happy b-day" she has not communicated with since July 4th). She left so she does not need access to the condo mailbox. She does not know she can forward mail and I have not told her since this is an opp to communicate.
then I want to get rid of negative feelings that my W has of me
Dude, you are all screwed up, and this statement proves it. You can't control your wife's feelings about things that have already happned. You should be acting with the idea that "I am going to do what is right" regardless of the outcome.
Quote:
She does not know she can forward mail
She doesn't? Are you sure? I have known you can do that since I was about 6 years old. Are you just desperate and mind-reading?
Letting go is for you and her. If she wants to go, the only thing you CAN do is agree with her. NC gives you time to heal, but you aren't healing. You have been obsessing about these two, tiny things for almost a week!
You need to focus more on your self, doing things that will make you feel better about yourself, and taking care of business. How's the workout routine going?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/07/1011:30 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I know by reading all of the posts that over analyzing is a symptom of us LBS's have. My issue is that I have only two actions from her since she left and both seemed to follow after I told her that I was letting her go and stopping communication (email) to her. My gut says to send a simple email the day of her b-day and leaving the mailbox alone.
However, I do have sensitive mail coming to my home from my IC and she does not need access to that. And in the future is legal action begins she defintely does not need access.
So you advise the email and leave the mailbox alone?
I am still working out and almost at my target weight. I took my boys rock climbing (our first time). I am trying to let go, but I admit that it has a lot to do about getting W back. I know letting go is about me. So I am attempting to focus on me as the target for leting go.
So you advise the email and leave the mailbox alone?
You take any pictures while rock climbing?
I don't know all of the dynamics of your relationship, so I can't tell you exactly what to do. In this situation, however, a gift would most likely be too much.
At most, a "Wishing you a happy birthday" type of email. When my wife left, it was a little over a month before her birthday, and based on our dynamic (she went home to be with her family for her birthday, and there was other stuff going on, so we were not headed the right direction at all), I decided that contacting her on her birthday would be intruding. I did respond to her about a week later or so however.
These things are tough. One the one hand, you need to "really" let go and decide to be happy with or without her (and I know you will be better than fine--better than you have ever been--if you put the focus on you and become a happy guy again). That's where contacting her and being letting her come into your life when she wants works against you: it's hard to let go if you are reaching out. It sets YOU back, and in the state you are in, you can develop expectations, go back through the disappointment, and not really move forward.
On the other hand, you don't want to become bitter and forbidding and send the clear message "you are not welcome anywhere near my life".
You're going to have to figure this out on your own and live with your decissions. The tone of your posts, however, makes it seem like you are having real trouble detaching so that you can really heal, and that has to come first so that you can then grow from this experience.
This is your chance to become a better man. It's a gift wrapped up in a lot of trauma and drama, and once you can let go of the fear and the drama, then you will do what you do when you do it without fear because it is the right thing to do.
For example, is it wrong to email your wife "Happy Birthday!"? No, it's not wrong. But if she is runing away, divorcing you, and wants little to do with you, you have to ask yourself why you are doing this? Are you doing it because it the right thing to do? Or are you doing it because you are trying to convince her that what she thinks and feels about you is wrong?
If it's the former, then do it. If it's the latter, then don't do it.
As for the mail, you can pick up a change of address form at the Post Office if you are worried she is going to break federal law and tamper with your mail. Your call.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/07/1012:28 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I guess the reason that is is letting go is difficult is that my W did not pull away from until the day she told me that she was leaving me. So the lack of communication from her is driving me crazy. So I was and still am a little shell shocked. The mail issue is that she still has mail, though reducing coming to my (our) house and she picks it up most times before I get home. When she works nights is when I see her mail still being delivered. So I think I will leave the mailbox alone no since in pi$$ing her off unnecesaarily and only change it if and when legal action is taken.
I think I will not send the b-day email. I let her go so that means she is gone from my life. If I send her the email all I do is send her conflicting messages. She has to know that I am gone out of her life. I have been reading gucci's thread on letting go and trying to absorb the knowledge. I am getting better and with each day and I feel better. I went from a size 44/46 waist to a 36 heading for 34 so buying new clothes is getting expensive.
We did take pictures of the three of us rock climbing and plan to post on Fb. My W has access to my Fb page (the profile and post page), though I would not know if she is looking, but if she is she can see that I am moving on.
