My husband and I met at work while I was fresh out of college in a new town. He was a sweet, kind man who made me feel like the center of his world. I didn't want to date him at first because he was just finishing up his divorce from his first wife, but as soon as that was done our relationship went from friends to lovers.
We both fell pretty fast and hard. I dreamed of having a home and family, and he loved kids as well. My family thought he was great, and I liked his family. We planned and dreamed about what our lives would be like. We got married, and he started on a new career path.
Married life was tougher than I thought. He was awfully fussy, and seemed insecure about a lot of things. I tried to make him happy; cooking foods that he never liked, keeping the house clean when he seemed he could do it better. I let him make most of the decisions, since he was confident about them, and I was new to this type of thing.
After a lot of fertility treatments, we had our first daughter, and I loved her so much. I poured all my love into her, since he seemed less interested in me. I wasn't in the mood for sex much anymore, and had post partum that took a while to get over. I didn't understand why our marriage didn't seem as fulfilling as I dreamed, but thought that I just needed to suck it up.
We went to counseling after our first daughter, trying to make things better. But they didn't change. He didn't listen very well, didn't give me the attention that I had loved when we were dating. Didn't seem very interested in me.
Then we had our second daughter. She was wonderful! And still our marriage seemed cold. He's a great father who dotes on his daughters, but is so involved with his work and his games. Me and the girls are second fiddle and he doesn't realize how much it hurts.
We go to more counseling, but the counselor doesn't seem to have good advice. Just tells us that "It's obvious you love each other, just spend more time together." Sigh...
My H starts playing online games that tie up even more of his time. I start going to a book club and making new friends. I love my friends at work, it's my sanctuary from being lonely at home. I wonder why I married my H, did I really love him? Was I just a lonely girl from a small town looking for someone to take care of me? Suck it up. Your girls need you, and you made your vows.
Then my husband gets cancer and I'm so scared. I don't know what to do, and no one seems to care about me? He's going to die, and I'm going to have to raise the girls all alone. What do I do?
When he recovers, our sex life is so shot. He can't do anything for ages because of surgery, chemo, and radiation. I feel like a shriveled prune. I should be happiest now; he's healthy, I'm young, I have two beautiful daughters, yet he still chooses that damn computer over spending time with us. Why? Why?
I'm numb now. I can't give anymore. I'll just suck it up.
I go to my girls annual weekend, and we hit a spa. It's refreshing to get dolled up. They convince me to try and wear some makeup, make myself look good. When I get back I buy some new clothes and start to feel sexy. If my husband notices, he doesn't say anything. Oh well, I feel alive.
Our ten year anniversary blows by like just another day. He buys me the same flowers he always does, but I don't care anymore. He still plays his damn games, and doesn't want to hear anything I say. Then in the spring, he stops, cold turkey. He starts to spend more time with me and the girls, cooking meals, and talking to me.
I thought this would change how I felt. But it doesn't. I'm cold inside, and he's killed something in me. But I suck it up.
Then on Father's Day, I come home from work, and he's watching a movie downstairs. I'm tired, and just want to go to bed. We had a fight the night before, over sex, and I just want to sleep.
He comes into our bedroom while I'm reading and asks "Are you happy?" I feel the adrenaline surge in my body and say "No, I'm not." He asks if I want to talk about it, and I say that I just want to go to sleep. I roll over, turn out my light and he heads downstairs. I feel so relieved. No more lying. No more pretending that I love him. That everything is okay.
The next day I see that he's been awake all night watching movies. I ask him why, and he says he couldn't sleep. He asks me if I love him, and I can't lie anymore. I say "Of course, you're the father of my children." I see the pain on his face, but I can't lie anymore. I have to go to work, but I tell him we'll talk when I get home.
Everytime I see him, he's crying for us to work this out. I hate coming home now, work is so much safer. No heavy talks, no pressure. I hate myself for hurting him and what this will do to our daughters. His family will hate me.
He's changed! He's losing weight, eating foods he never would have tried before. He listens to me, spends more time with the girls than ever. He hardly ever uses his computer, just the bare minimum. He's exercising, and reads more self-help books than Dr. Phil. But it won't last. He's too stubborn and set in his ways. How can I learn to love him again? I need space to figure out what I want. I can't do that in this house. But I can't leave my babies!
Now months later, I still don't know how I feel. I love being with him, he's my best friend; he's a great father; I even told him that he's a great guy. I'm proud of the changes he's made; they seem to be sticking.I want him to be happy; I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't think I'll ever love anyone again; I don't believe it works. I want to fall back in love with him, but I don't know how. We're so different. Our MC is a really good guy, and I feel like I'm opening up. H is so impatient though. He wants to go back to our first year together, right now! Doesn't he realize this will take a long time, if it works at all?
