my 1st post - H "done" w/marriage need help

[anniemc]

Hi everyone - newbie here - thanks for taking the time to read my story and offer any suggestions...

I found Divorce Remedy later than i should have. Apologies up front for my non-use of all the abbreviations - i'm sure i'll figure those out with time! Here's my story in a nutshell... Past 18 months have been awful...H and i in bad places - we literally never fought about anything, i found out too late that he's not a communicator, and the whole while as our lives got insane (birth of twins after significant infertility problems, him being self employed and recently needing to close up his business, me getting a new job that required a lot of my time and energy, holding down the household, etc...all within a 2 year span) i just "figured" he was holding tight and hanging in for the ride. Unfortunately, while i was hanging on knowing that "this too shall pass" - he was movign further and further away emotionally and physically from me. Things were SOO good for SOO many years that it's almost like he just didn't know how to cope with the rocky times. Anyhow, after the Godsent of Michelle's book, i literally had a transformation and awakening this past July 30th. Before that i was in a very very bad place and definitely hit my rockbottom in June. It was one of those things that "you know it when it happens". And, thanks to her book, i took charge of my life again, got myself back in order and felt like a person again. Unfortunately, H is not there. He hasn't hit his low yet, he's depressed, he's out of the house over 4 months and it's a million times worse than awful for me to keep all the balls in the air and be the mom our twins need. I've been a new person since July 30th - following all the techniques. i am in a really good place from that perspective but still missing him and our R enormously. Back to the "old me" - but in so many ways, a lot better than even the "old me" was!

So, fastforwarding to this past week... we had one appt with a mediator for a legal separation/divorce about a month or so ago - another appt was never set and i believed that was because he was seeing these dramatic changes in me that got him intrigued. I got a few (and i mean a few...not a lot!) positive vibes that i kept doing what i was doing...and hoping and praying too. Just this past week, he spoke about the mediator again and how (he thought) that i was going to set the next appt (not sure why i'd be doing that when i don't want a separation or divorce!!) and that if i wasn't, then he would. the next day when i had time to compose myself, i asked for 5 minutes of his time to talk about something in person (he hates doing the face to face thing since he moved out). After a flurry of excuses as to why he wouldn't be available that night, i started (unwillingly) to have the conversation over the phone. Long story longer, i very calmly, very patiently, very caringly indicated to him that I thought NOW was a really bad time to be makign life altering decisions like what he was doing. That he should get resources and help (although he was seeing a therapist for almost 8 months and seemed to get angrier and angrier after each week) to find the peace he needs and clarity of mind he deserves. He indicated that the separation would provide him with the ability "to move on" with his life. He kept saying how he wants to "live his life" and "go out" (with other women??? not sure although i did ask...) without worrying what's going to get back to me. He said he was depressed and lonely. He feels like he's a prisoner in his own apartment (not sure why...it's his choice to not do things - he's on his own now and i have the kids). So, i told him that after the mediator stuff is over (he can't say the words "divorce" or "separation" - and nor can he look me in the eyes when he sees me...), he'll be depressed, lonely AND divorced... I kept saying that he needs to find peace in himself before looking to find it outside of himself. I told him that he needs to stop focusing his energy on hating me and keeping the wall up that he's built around himself. To all this he responded (and i summarize) - "so what you want to do is wait another 6 months so that i can come back to you to tell you the same thing but so that it'll make you feel better???" essentially - he's checked out completely and it's all a game to him since he's just NOT going to try...

So, while i literally sit every night and re-read the book - go over all that i've highlighted, and remain hopeful...I'm so afraid that the journey is coming to an end. I know in my heart of hearts that he's making a terrible mistake. I believe in my soul that he's severly depressed. I believe that his therapist did more harm than good (one of those - "make yourself happy, forget everyone else" deals). He has patently over and over again refused marriage counseling. I don't believe (although i have questioned) that there's an OW. I feel like i'm working with an addict who is wholly incapable of making his own decisions because they will be bad ones until the addict is in recovery. I feel like hosting an intervention but know that since he's not talking to anyone (because he knows what they'll all say) that would get me nowhere. He's turning 42 in a few weeks...i believe some of this is a MLC (hates his job...had to close his own business a few years ago (hated me for that)...wants to feel in control of something, etc...). I believe that a lot of this is depression which is going unchecked. And, he's looking at our marriage (or lack thereof) as the thing to control. He said "it's over" once before and it's like he needs to stick to his original decision (for better or worse) so that he can "see something through" (if that makes any sense to you...it makes complete sense to me knowing how he is).

i feel helpless completely - and as a type A - that's not working so well for me.... HELP!!! I feel like the clock is ticking and i'm running out of time