In a nutshell - H had (is having?)affair, we have been separated a little over a month. He has found a place he would like to rent and is coming over tomorrow to discuss finances. How do I handle this situation?
Take a friend with you to talk... don't let him manipulate you.
If he called the meeting I would cancel it... Just cancel it... You have a meeting on YOUR terms and YOUR time.. HE is cheating.. don't let him control this...
Get a friend of family member who is marriage friendly and you have exposed the affair to for talking.. get them to negotiate FOR you.. You are way to hurt right now to talk about finances.. get a good family member or friend to negotiate on yoru behalf.. don't even BE there
Thanks for the advice. I am not going to meet him tomorrow. So I will find a friend/family member who can forward me the details - how much is the rent, how long is the lease, what does he estimate for utilities, etc. What other questions? Or should I just file for separation?
I feel like this whole thing is spiralling out of control. I no longer believe my story will have a happy ending with H. And if it ends in D, I would like to try to remain amicable for the sake of the kids. But I don't think I can even get there with H without some kind of counseling. I met with L last week and got the facts/figures on child/spousal support (considering that our D would be equal and agreed to by both parties). I didn't like what I heard. So it's likely to turn into a battle. This sucks.
I know, Allen - I'm just so confused and I don't know how all the legal stuff works. I'm so afraid I'm going to get screwed out of something. I'm still so emotionally involved and I want to make sure I'm making the right choices for me and my kids. I can imagine dealing with a newbie like me is frustrating but I do appreciate your advice.
You call a lawyer first.. don't let him push you around like this.
If you aren't ready to talk if you aren't ready to make choices then DON'T let him PUSH you to do so...
My main avice right now is NOT to do ANYTHING involving him YET... speak with a lawyer FIRST.. do NOT give your H ANY info or warning you are doing this.. Just make the appointment and go.
Get friends and family involved and find out where you stand legally FIRST...
Then you can make INFORMED choices at a pace YOU are comfortable with.
Ther'es only one thing you have to tell your H right now
NO
That's it... He calls, he wants to talk
NO
And you get friends to support you and confront him to leave you ALONE right now...
He's taking advantage of how you feel and it's NOT acceptable...
NO
That's all you need right now... I would HIGHLY reccomend you get STRONG friends who you have exposed this affair to for help speaking up where it is NECESSARY... Right now all they have to do is tell him to BACK OFF.
Change your cell phone number... or get a new cell phone.
You need PROTECTION from him right now or he will exploit your emotional pain to his advantage.. do NOT accept calls or meetings.. Just take a BREAK from him for at LEAST two weeks... get a friend or family member to speak for you and tell him to back off until YOU decide to contact him.
Hi 4MB - I am going through a very similar situation. I am sorry you find yourself here, but know you are not alone and there are amazing people here who can help you through this.
I will write more later, I promise, but the single best piece of advice I received was to have NO CONTACT with my H until he agrees to end the affair and work on the marriage. It's hard - it's more than hard - it's heart wrenching. But for the protection of your boys and the love of your H, it's critical. Use a 3rd party that you can communicate through. DO NOT talk to him directly, invite him for conversations, etc. It may seem impossible, but it's not.
I don't know how to add my link (Allen, can you help with this?) but read my letters that Allen helped me with. I can send them to you later so you don't have to read through everything but I have to get ready for work.
More later, until then, hang in there. Know you are doing the right thing for you and your boys, and your H. Know that there are people here to help. And know that I've already said a prayer for you!
LH
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
There's a yellow icon of a sheet of paper in the top left of each post right efroe the title of the post and above your name.
If you SINGLE RIGHT CLICK on that icon you should get a list of operations. One of those operations is copy link location or copy shortcut (depending on what browser you are using).
After you have the post url copied like this you can paste it anywhere you like.
I find it easiest to have two tabs for db.com open so you can copy from one post and paste right into the other immediately.
LH - thank you for your words. I have read through your posts and sounds like we're in the same boat.
I have a quick question. I have called OWH and told him of the affair. I'm not sure if he did anything with the info. What are your thoughts on contacting OW - through email or FB - and letting her know that I'm committed to working on my marriage and to leave H alone.
