If I had truly let go you wouldn't see me post as much.
You are right about that. You have not been able to let go. I'm not sure you are now, even after seeing her with OM. What you feel now is wrath. But you have acted out of emotions since you've been here, right?
I do not agree about treating the dogs like kids. I'm a huge dog lover, but after all...they are animals not human beings! I do not think they should be something brought into the picture. Either give them to her or have the gumption to keep her away from the house. Don't treat them like you would if they were children and set up visitation rights!
Instead of using the word "ignore"...try using the term "dark". Do you know what going dark means? I think you need to go completely dark. Can you do that? I mean, no contacts of any kind.....I don't care how urgent. Since there are no children involved, I think that would be possible. If need be, get a lawyer and she can talk to him. I don't think you need to give her any kind of speech.....she'll know why you have gone dark and talking through a lawyer.
Change the locks on the house. If she has her stuff still there, pack it up and put in a storge or garage or whatever.
She is not done with you yet. She will test to see if she still has her claws in you. I figure she'll try telling you that she never meant to hurt you, is why she lied about OM. My advice is to not allow her an opportunity to talk to you. Do not answer you phone! Let all calls go to VM. If she has anything to tell you, she'll have to email it. Of course....you are not to respond to ANYTHING.
After you do not respond, then she will get angry and start saying, "So you aren't talking to me now"? Do not respond to her.
Now listen, you wanted my take on your stitch, so this is it. You don't follow the advice you're given. You say you know you shouldn't have done thus & thus but it felt good at the time. That is b/c you're acting from emotions!
Quote:
If she does come forward, I will act as if I'm ok
If she comes forward how? She will have something to say to you but I'm not sure what you mean by "coming forward". She's going to say something and "if" you respond it will be b/c you're emotional. Can you handle not responding?
If you are EVER going to have a speck of self-respect and move forward, you've got to drop the rope. If you EVER expect to get a second of her attention, you've got to drop the rope. Otherwise, your pain is not going to stop for a very long time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't be surprise if you get a TM tomorrow that says, Good morning." That will be a test.
When you don't respond, then she'll say, "So now you aren't talking to me?" Don't let her goad you into saying anything. It will be hard but after a few times, you'll start to feel really good about yourself and you'll get stronger.
Think about some possible things she could say or do in the next few days.....and be prepared. Catching you off guard is how she'll trip you up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First, it's an honor to hear from you. Thank you and I will apply your advice.
Thank you for your opinion on the dogs, that might be what's been eating at me. I kept treating them like "our" kids and questioning her rights in dealing with them. I don't want them to be an excuse for her to come over/text/call.
Going dark will not be a problem.
"If she comes forward how?" I meant contacting me or showing up at the house or randomly running into each other too. "Can you handle not responding?" Yes
"If you are EVER going to have a speck of self-respect and move forward, you've got to drop the rope." Thank you
"Think about some possible things she could say or do in the next few days.....and be prepared. Catching you off guard is how she'll trip you up."
Okay, I can think of a few, none of this will be too hard.
Is there a time frame to keep in mind or just stay dark all the way til Divorce day - 9/30?
I guess what I'm asking is, am I trying draw her to come to me/write me/tell me the truth after a few weeks? Or am I sending the message I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect? Or both?
Is there a time frame to keep in mind or just stay dark all the way til Divorce day - 9/30?
Unless she were to make a very heartfelt apology for her actions and wanted meet with you to discuss reconciling. Unless she used the words that you could tell she sounded remorseful, then I would say to keep dark. But if her plea is sincere and you know she is truly ashamed of herself and wants to reconcile, then you could respond to her TM or email and tell her you will think this over and get back to her. That puts her in a place where she's wondering what you will do.....and should cause her to realize if she is serious or not. If she's not real about this....if she's not remorseful, etc., then that will come out by you keeping her on hold for a few days. Either way, you will know by keeping her waiting.
Quote:
I guess what I'm asking is, am I trying draw her to come to me/write me/tell me the truth after a few weeks? Or am I sending the message I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect? Or both?
If you go cold dark on her, as I described in my former post....I think she'll know she split her britches and you are finished with her. After several attempts at contacting you with no success, she will begin to see that she has finally screwed her M for good. She has two options. She can go through with the D and maybe keep lover boy, mabe not. Or, she could get her eyes open and decide D is not what she wants after all. But as for her telling you the truth......IDK. That may come much later. But if there is an attempt at a reconciliation, she must tell the turth in order to have a successful rec.
I think she will be watching you and you certainly will be sending a loud wordless message to her. But first, she has to be proven that she can't make you cave in to her.
Now, if you should happen to find yourself in her presence, you could have a little "letting you go" speech tucked in your back pockett. Just tell her you've had time to process things and you've decided that you will not fight her in order to save the M, but instead, you will give her the D she wants. You feel that it would not be fair to either one of you to live out this short life with anyone they don't love. You've decided that there is a lot of world out there and single life doesn't look so bad.
You show no sign of anger, disappointment, bitterness, or pitifulness. You stand tall and be proud. Show your strength by what you say and how you say it.
If you make the decisions that I have suggested, you will need to ask the board for almost everything to do right before you know something is going down. Main thing is to show no fear. Get control over any fear. What's the worst that could happen? Think about that and work yourself down until you are calm. Never be scared of her anger. Don't react to her anger, and certainly never reward her for bad behavior.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess what I'm asking is, am I trying draw her to come to me/write me/tell me the truth after a few weeks? Or am I sending the message I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect? Or both?
Thought about these questions. Never mind. I'm going to just do everything I can to protect what little dignity I have left and move on. Drop the rope. I can't accept or change her behavior so why even think about it any more. Just going to hit the gym all week and burn off the anger. It's got to pass sometime.
It's gonna be tough to do especially face to face. So I would avoid those situations. e.g tough to confront you at home if you're not there.
Originally Posted By: FaithnAK
Is there a time frame to keep in mind or just stay dark all the way til Divorce day - 9/30?
I guess what I'm asking is, am I trying draw her to come to me/write me/tell me the truth after a few weeks? Or am I sending the message I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect? Or both?
Q1- Dark til you have legal matters. But this depends most on your next question-
Ask yourself:
Knowing what you know now and how you feel about the lying (YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARY) do YOU REALLY want to draw her out and get the truth (you already know it-her version will be guilt covering lies again anyway)
OR
Send the message (most importantly TO YOU)I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect?
Is there a time frame to keep in mind or just stay dark all the way til Divorce day - 9/30?
Unless she were to make a very heartfelt apology for her actions and wanted meet with you to discuss reconciling. Unless she used the words that you could tell she sounded remorseful, then I would say to keep dark. But if her plea is sincere and you know she is truly ashamed of herself and wants to reconcile, then you could respond to her TM or email and tell her you will think this over and get back to her. That puts her in a place where she's wondering what you will do.....and should cause her to realize if she is serious or not. If she's not real about this....if she's not remorseful, etc., then that will come out by you keeping her on hold for a few days. Either way, you will know by keeping her waiting.
Quote:
I guess what I'm asking is, am I trying draw her to come to me/write me/tell me the truth after a few weeks? Or am I sending the message I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect? Or both?
If you go cold dark on her, as I described in my former post....I think she'll know she split her britches and you are finished with her. After several attempts at contacting you with no success, she will begin to see that she has finally screwed her M for good. She has two options. She can go through with the D and maybe keep lover boy, mabe not. Or, she could get her eyes open and decide D is not what she wants after all. But as for her telling you the truth......IDK. That may come much later. But if there is an attempt at a reconciliation, she must tell the turth in order to have a successful rec.
I think she will be watching you and you certainly will be sending a loud wordless message to her. But first, she has to be proven that she can't make you cave in to her.
Now, if you should happen to find yourself in her presence, you could have a little "letting you go" speech tucked in your back pockett. Just tell her you've had time to process things and you've decided that you will not fight her in order to save the M, but instead, you will give her the D she wants. You feel that it would not be fair to either one of you to live out this short life with anyone they don't love. You've decided that there is a lot of world out there and single life doesn't look so bad.
You show no sign of anger, disappointment, bitterness, or pitifulness. You stand tall and be proud. Show your strength by what you say and how you say it.
If you make the decisions that I have suggested, you will need to ask the board for almost everything to do right before you know something is going down. Main thing is to show no fear. Get control over any fear. What's the worst that could happen? Think about that and work yourself down until you are calm. Never be scared of her anger. Don't react to her anger, and certainly never reward her for bad behavior.
Awesome. Thank you Sandi. I will post here if anything happens and I'm just going to force myself to move forward. Going to pray and burn off my anger/frustration at the gym.
It's gonna be tough to do especially face to face. So I would avoid those situations. e.g tough to confront you at home if you're not there.
Originally Posted By: FaithnAK
Is there a time frame to keep in mind or just stay dark all the way til Divorce day - 9/30?
I guess what I'm asking is, am I trying draw her to come to me/write me/tell me the truth after a few weeks? Or am I sending the message I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect? Or both?
Q1- Dark til you have legal matters. But this depends most on your next question-
Ask yourself:
Knowing what you know now and how you feel about the lying (YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARY) do YOU REALLY want to draw her out and get the truth (you already know it-her version will be guilt covering lies again anyway)
OR
Send the message (most importantly TO YOU)I'm going out of this marriage with my self respect?
Hey there CD
Yeah, I'm in no mood for face to face and I doubt she is either.
I want my self respect. Period.
No, I don't want to draw it out. I was just asking that to see what type of result, if any, to watch for. Yeah, I wouldn't really believe anything coming out of her mouth right now. My Boundary is firm on that issue even if we were to reconcile.
See my problem is that I was playing the wait a few hours approach in responding or watching for importance because I felt like I was neglecting her. Now I'm not the bad guy any more. I acknowledged everything I have done wrong. I even apologized to her. So she has to live with the guilt (if any) now. I have NO reason to respond at all.
Follow Sandi's advice Faith. You're strong enough to do it. Every hour/day of going dark you'll grow stronger.
I wouldn't think of doing it any other way. I have followed Sandi's posts as much as Robx, together they are "Rock" solid from there perspectives.
Now as far as dropping the rope mentally, it's a battle. I swear there is a new memory of the deceipt popping in my head every 1-2 hours. I'll just be doing something at work and then BAM another revelation. It's horrible and it makes me mad, but it's all part of the process.
Sandi was right about the word she used...WRATH. It's pure Wrath. I don't hate my W, but I'm extremely disappointed and it does swing back and forth between wrath and pity
I have followed Sandi's posts as much as Robx, together they are "Rock" solid from there perspectives.