I've busted my W's lies and KNOW there is a OM now. She blatantly lied 3 hours before the bust. Many of you have provided great advice and I'm not trying to repeat myself or wallow, but rather summarize all my questions.
1) Do I cut her off from seeing our dogs?
2) Do I cut off access to the house?
3) Do I waste my money on a Lawyer if my Dissolution is going to be final in 24 days?
4) Besides protecting myself, would a Lawyer be a firm approach on her crap behavior and showing her that I will not tolerate it or be dis-respected?
5) What is her reaction going to be now that she's been busted on the lies?
6) Do I just say screw it all and IGNORE her until 9/30 and then just walk away from everything?
Sorry guys/gals...I'm just trying to get my head straight.
Detaching, when you're a recovering Nice Guy is really hard. NC is easy, but really detaching is hard. I'll just continue to pray and work on me, eventually this will all pass.
Being a "Nice Guy" doesn't mean being a doormat. A nice guy listens well, cares about other people, is thoughtful and considerate and kind. Being a nice guy doesn't mean being a loser. A loser is someone with no self respect, no self love.
I've busted my W's lies and KNOW there is a OM now. She blatantly lied 3 hours before the bust. Many of you have provided great advice and I'm not trying to repeat myself or wallow, but rather summarize all my questions.
1) Do I cut her off from seeing our dogs?
2) Do I cut off access to the house?
3) Do I waste my money on a Lawyer if my Dissolution is going to be final in 24 days?
4) Besides protecting myself, would a Lawyer be a firm approach on her crap behavior and showing her that I will not tolerate it or be dis-respected?
5) What is her reaction going to be now that she's been busted on the lies?
6) Do I just say screw it all and IGNORE her until 9/30 and then just walk away from everything?
Sorry guys/gals...I'm just trying to get my head straight.
Treat your dogs like you would kids.
Is this house in her name? I'd at least change the locks, then move to either buy her out (depending on your asset split in the dissolution) or sell the house.
I wouldn't waste more money on a lawyer when it's done in 24 hours.
She won't care about the lies.
#6 is the correct thing to do. Don't be mean, vindictive or petty. Just be Faith. Be cool, make it clear she's no longer a part of your life, and move on. If you run into her for some reason, be super cool, like you just had the best time of your life right before you bumped into her.
According to Sandi2's post(diff thread) she has been cake eating the whole time. Blatantly. Knowingly playing me because she thought she had it all under control and me blind.
Now the cake fell on the floor. My gut is telling me to stand up and demand respect for myself, but I don't know how right now. How do I send a clear message to her that I will not tolerate her behavior.
Letting her go is easy, but how do I walk away with dignity? I don't want to punish her, but I want her to feel the true loss. Home, Dogs, Me, whatever I can create as an abyss.
I believe my sitch is now what all the other infidelity threads are about...that "Love" drug feeling thing.
Sometimes it means more to a person when someone expresses extreme disappointment in them, rather than anger. I think you should let her know that you are very disappointed in her. After however many years together you thought you could trust her to be truthful with you. Now you see how she outright lied to you and disrespected all that the two of you ever meant to each other, and you are done with her. You don't want to see her anymore. She can give her lies to other people in her life, but you are not listening to them anymore.
Sometimes it means more to a person when someone expresses extreme disappointment in them, rather than anger. I think you should let her know that you are very disappointed in her. After however many years together you thought you could trust her to be truthful with you. Now you see how she outright lied to you and disrespected all that the two of you ever meant to each other, and you are done with her. You don't want to see her anymore. She can give her lies to other people in her life, but you are not listening to them anymore.
I did express that in my email. I don't know what to do other than ignore her now.
I'm so betrayed and just want to know why she lied. I know there is no logic to be found because that's the way it is with a WAW. Does NO good to dwell on it, but here I am. I feel like she cut my heart out and stomped it repeatedly.
Now that her piece of cake has been slapped out of her mouth, I don't know how to think anymore. The only thing I know is I'm done with her "crap behavior"!
Truth is out now about lies and OM. They're is no longer the ability for her to deceive me, I would imagine she probably knows how bad she looked, and this has to effect their relationship in some negative way.
Maybe the THRILL of it all for her has been crushed? Maybe now reality will sink in? Do I do anything right now to shove her reality down her throat in the kindest way possible?
Ignoring her seems too little...but that's why I'm here until I read something and it clicks. I'm pro-tough love, but I'm a little unclear as how to apply it now, except no more contact.
Yes, the most effective social tool is the "cut" or "snub". That is, when you see her, you don't even see her you ignore her completely. Of course, the problem with it is that until you physically see her, there isn't anything you can do. But you will see her, if not before than at the hearing. I don't think it will wake them up. If anything, they realize that the die has been cast, she is done with you and on to #2. she can't go back anymore.
What do you have to lose at this point. I would say still change the locks, and go darker than dark until the hearing. Dont offer for her to see the dogs, let her come to you. I would just remove yourself from all this going forward. It is kind of what I have done, I have removed myself from the W's bs. When she has crap behavior i do not put up with it, when she is nice I am nice. Again our sitches are different, with kids it makes it to where you can go somewhat dark, but you also "have" to interact with each other for the rest of your lives.
But you also have an up here, you need to get the GAL and PMA going beyond belief right now!
What do you have to lose at this point. I would say still change the locks, and go darker than dark until the hearing. Dont offer for her to see the dogs, let her come to you. I would just remove yourself from all this going forward. It is kind of what I have done, I have removed myself from the W's bs. When she has crap behavior i do not put up with it, when she is nice I am nice. Again our sitches are different, with kids it makes it to where you can go somewhat dark, but you also "have" to interact with each other for the rest of your lives.
But you also have an up here, you need to get the GAL and PMA going beyond belief right now!
Hello Dsh,
I need to lose the pain. I need to lose my anger and resentment. I'm trying with all my heart. I've prayed for self control all day. Took the dogs out for long walk and STILL couldn't lose it. I was bad when she first dropped the bomb, but NO WHERE near the level of pain I feel right now.
I'm not going to contact her at all, just stand back up, dust myself off and keep GAL; keep praying for PMA.
If she does come forward, I will act as if I'm ok, but I'm pretty peeved. I understand why she left and felt the way she did, but I do not understand the lying...it's just wrong. There's something not sitting right with me, and I'm trying to figure out what it is. It's eating me up too.
