How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

I've read over your answer again. It gives me strength. I believe my H's affair hurt him more than gave (gives) him pleasure. He was a naturally straight and open person, with a ready smile and an open face. Not only did he live a lie for several months, but then he was again caught out in lies after he'd come clean and started over again with me. She never left the sports club, as she'd said she would when they split ( he can't - it's his job). They continued to text and phone - at least I know he texted her and I saw him put his hand to his hip pocket and slip out to the garden to check his phone, answer a call, etc. lots of times.

Lying didn't come naturally to him, but he had to hide things and fib constantly. I know this put a strain on him, he disappointed himself and failed to measure up to what he'd thought of himself.

this summer, we went on holiday with the kids. They refused to go if I didn't, so I went along and though I slept with one of the kids, I DBd like mad "acting as if", "cheerleading", being as upbeat as possible, avoiding any R talks, trying to dissipate tension and do my own thing, give him space. The first few days wer fine - he started to relax, brought up memories from when the kids were babies (of himself, talked about how he loved watching them when I breastfed, etc.). I thought: great, this might work. Then I saw him head off to answer a text, then make a call (he went off down to the bottom of the campsite to call, away from the tents). After that, he was on edge, forever slipping away to "the toilet" or "for a smoke" which lasted 2 minutes. And lost all relaxation. He'd begun to smile and laugh with me, it all stopped. He was silent and very tense for the rest of the holiday. The first days he'd kissed me "goodnight", then he stopped even looking at me. I felt that the OW was definitely putting pressure on him from afar. I mean, he was getting texts at midnight! My husband will never stand that kind of pressure, he hates being "tabbed". Or maybe he lovesit from her?

I realise that my not contacting him feels terrible, but is more respectful of his person and more "attractive" now. I have difficulty drawing boundaries. I love to have him come and eat with us; it hurts, but the kids are happy and he relaxes too, after a while. I'd like to ask him questions about work, but don't ask anything, on principle. And give little info on my new place of work - except to say my new colleagues were nice and all 'round my age. I used to work with a group of near-retirement teachers, these are all 40somethings. So my boundaries are largely on the level of communication - not asking, not complaining, not telling

Ilove to read and have read anything I can about communication, self-esteem, assertiveness and love. I realise I let him come to view me as a pushover; I never said when he hurt my feelings, never demanded attention ( he came to take me for granted), put him always at the centre of my life, thought always about what he wanted, what he'd like. I didn't want to lose him, but I became insipid and too easy to please. Of us two, I loved the more, in the end. He didn't feel he had to make any effort to please me.I'll have to teach myself how to put a higher value on my own feelings and person. His rejection of me put he finishing touches to a great lack of confidence in my value as a woman. However, I'm coming to realise that I can still turn heads, that I've lots more to offer than the OW. He just stopped seeing it. So how to make him open his eyes?

My posts ramble, but it helps me greatly to set things down "on paper", so to speak. I can sort of "step outside myself" and see things more clearly while I type with one finger...

I'll try to get hold of "Love must be tough". Anything to the point on the MLC, or is that a bit like "alien abductions" or bleeding statues?
NCU