MLC 5 years on

[Sanderika]

Dear Puppy,

I thank you for your wise insight and wisdom. I frequently look for your posts for much advice and direction.

I WANT my H in my life, I am not the sort of woman who NEEDS a man.

I was raised to be independent. The company my H and I started is Rigging and Heavy Hauling. Our career choice has taken him away from home many many times over the past 27 years. I sometimes would go 2-3 weeks alone at home to keep the home fires burning and company running efficiently. I am very capable of handling just about anything that could get dumped in my lap. Sorry if I seem defensive, I'm not meaning to be.

I think for me, I feel that H and I had a connection so great that no one or nothing could break it. I thought H felt the same. Heck, we grew up together...we have been together for 31 years, even during the last 5 he has not truly left us/it.

As a couple we endured many sacrifices and struggles to build a life together and a successful company. I thought we were inseparable.

I WANTED my H to continue to be my life partner to support each other and continue on the path of hopes and dreams we created together. I WANTED my H to remain in our lives to raise our son together under the same roof. I WANTED to, hopefully, be a Grammy and a Grandpa together to have a single home for them all to come back to. I WANTED to grow old with him.....I WANTED the romantic, happy ending....I believe in that....

I truly feel that the world doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe I have become co-dependent. Maybe I need to let H go for me and the possibilities out there waiting for me. I am letting H go because he wants to go. I really want H to stay. Perhaps I am looking to save the marriage because it has been my whole life commitment. Perhaps I am scared to seek out the unknown. Perhaps I am comfortable and don't like changes. I have a lot to think about now....

I have always been the girl who knew what she wanted and worked hard to get it done. I have always taken the road to success. I am wondering if I simply feel like I have failed, for me failure was never an option.

I am very ambitious. In the 2+ years I have not worked at my own company daily I have picked up two part time jobs with 2 local General Excavating Contractors. I need to be busy. I also have for the most part raised my son from the ages 9-14 pretty much single handed. Another note: My son has mild Asperger's Syndrome which effects his social abilities, a challenge for sure to deal with. AND, I have maintained my home inside and out alone. I am not a wuss.

It just donned on me that I might be getting angry. My post seems to be angry. That might be a good thing for me right now. I have been very complacent/passive in the past 5 years and perhaps anger will take me out of this mode.

Dear Puppy I want to thank you for giving me something to think about. I am going to delve into my inner being and figure this out....

Thank you for your thoughts and comments,

Sanderika