((lauraoh)) - i saw your post on your thread. i will be over there soon.

it's been a tough long weekend here. i manage to do the things i wanted to do.

i did some baking - made my strawberry cheesecake cupcakes.

i also manage to hit the gym and did a lower body workout. i stepped on the scale and i'm a cool 100 lbs. i gained 5 lbs between march and now. it's due to the cardio from squash. (note to readers, this is the healthy way to stay lean & fit)

i have a physical scheduled for mid-september. i am a bit concerned. i have been trying to take care of myself in preparation for this. the last thing i want to know is my cholestrol or blood pressure is out of whack. i can't afford to be on meds.

i'm trying to slow down the backsliding. i have some great coaches who are helping me understand thing. i am my own worst/biggest enemy. it is my own lack of understanding of how people behave is what's making me not "get it".

i learned that i 'ambush' when i argue/fight. i come from all angles and i just smother my target. i talk over them and hence i don't listen to what the other person has to say. it's almost as if i don't care and i don't want to listen to what you have to say. i've already made up my mind that you are wrong and i'm just going to overpower you with my reasoning. you have one point to make, so i will come at you with 20. this is something i have to stop. it's no wonder my h said i never listen to him. i'm too busy ambushing.

h asking for a d did wake me up. i didn't listen to his needs or words .. and i focused on trying to fix our m through other aspects. like trying to start a family. i thought that was the 'thing' that was missing in our lives and having a child would make things better. i couldn't be more wrong. i kept trying to make us 'perfect' and didn't embrace the imperfections.

my h was crazy about me and loved me. but i became a different person. i saw the signs that he was falling out of love with me. heck, i even heard the words on one occasion. i became less loving towards him. i began to change and triggered a change in him (ie. falling out of love). i can "see" that now. but can you trigger a change again?

my weekend was full of anxiety. it was like re-living the last three months of anger. although still no tears. just lots of anger.

i did something different though. i threw on my sweats, and headed out to a local coffee shop (not a chain coffee shop). i thought about going to the gym, but i took the day off from the gym and just sat in the coffee shop and read my book. it felt good to be out, enjoying the crisp autumn weather, and having a organic tea.

i went out to see the progress on my new house. the land has been cleared. and markers have been put in. i'm getting pretty excited. i'm loving my kitchen so far.

things will be okay. i can do this. work is coming in steadily. and i have great friends who are helping me get through the rough patches.