Yes I see that it is forcing her to make that decision and so is not leading. I do not want a divorce at this time and so will not ask for one. What would you suggest?
You don't ASK, for ANYTHING, bk -- you LEAD.
ASKING is what got you here.
You say (if this is, in fact, how you feel -- if this is a true "Boundary of Personal Integrity" for you): "I will not live in an open marriage. If you choose not to stop what you're doing, and come back and work on the marriage with me, then I will take immediate steps to protect myself, including meeting with an attorney to move towards divorce."
(or, if you have no proof of infidelity, you may say "I will not live in a loveless marriage," or a "sexless marriage," or "one where my wife has no interest in working on the marriage with me," or whatever)
Notice two subtle (but important) distinctions, bk:
1. You are NOT telling her what you do (controlling); you are stating what YOU are willing to abide (boundary): "I will not live in an open marriage." What she then does with that information is entirely up to her.
2. You are NOT saying "I will divorce you" (although that's obviously the possible endgame if she refuses to end it, and if you really AREN'T willing to live in an open marriage.) You're saying that you will move towards that, and you will make those moves immediately.
It's the difference between the "use of force," and the "credible THREAT of the use of force."
