I feel your pain. Most of us do to be sure. If our spouses were sane, everything you say would make sense. But they're not sane right now. I look at it like when I watch the show "Hoarders". The people on that show have a major psychological issue. They often even KNOW it but are unable to do anything about it. They are unable to get rid of stuff without major psychological pain. Their brain wiring is screwy and expecting them to just get rid of stuff on their own is like wishing for balmy weather in Antarctica. Our spouses are not thinking straight. The reason your H believed you about the D date was because he IS an idiot right now. They DON'T think straight. My intelligent H has been telling me the same stories over and over again because apparently he can't remember anything he tells me. He's not thinking right. As a result, they are attracted to broken people.
You're right, we don't deserve this. But to call the S self-centered is to assume they are thinking clearly about what they are doing. Hopefully you know deep down, that they are not. ((Punkin))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
LOL! So, the MLCer should not believe half of what we LBSers say, either, especially where it comes to signing divorce papers. Keep them disoriented, confused and unsure of themselves, 'eh!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Okay guys, like I said, it was a rant. In actuality, my H is self-centered, though. Most successful Military Men are. Career first and all that crap. Wives rate a poor second, at best. It's just a fact of life I, and others like me, accepted long ago. H sent me letters from Iraq saying he would never, never put anything in front of me and the family again, but back in the real world . . . .
I guess time is passing too slowly for me. I've done things and stayed busy, but there is always this little ticker at the back of my brain, counting off the seconds. The pathway to Hell is paved with good intentions.
Having this court date in front of me is like waiting for a bomb to go off. In slo-mo. Worried about having to vacate my house in the dead of winter, etc. and so on. Living out here alone while waiting for my husband was one thing, but living out here alone for itself, is kind of scary, looking at the Winter ahead.
As I'm sure you all know, waiting for Him/Her to get back their sanity is hard enough without you yourself not hitting on all cylinders.
I am the one that made mine bad...I let H have space in my brain!
I have daydreamed about driving to where my H works and leaving anonymous notes on his vehicle (from another OW)!!! I wouldn't do it though. I have also thought about writing OWs name on a bathroom stall in the gas station by their work...for a good time call OW lol!!! In the end, however, I believe I would only be hurting my chances to get H back.
Try not to think about the impending court date! I know, easier said than done!! A sympathetic judge may let you stay in the house until spring!
Hope you have a better day today!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW, I think we are all guilty of that, letting H have space in our brains. Here's a daydream for you:
When H had his first A 8 years ago, after the break up, I daydreamed of going to her house in the dead of night, and writing the dreaded four letter C word in large letters, using dog poo, across her garage door. There was no street lamp in front of her house and it was dark. Had this daydream for years, and then she moved.
I have daydreamed about driving to where my H works and leaving anonymous notes on his vehicle...I have also thought about writing OWs name on a bathroom stall in the gas station by their work...for a good time call OW lol!!!
One of my friends saw a vehicle in our town about a month ago that was circled with large painted words. Looking more closely, she found that it said "The owner of this car, xxxxx, is having an affair with my husband." More to dream about, LOL!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Aren't these mind games fun? But at the end of the day, it's left to us to be the adult. And sometimes being the adult sucks.We daydream of doing things we would never do as responsible adults, while our S and the OW get to go out and do them.
Just the thought of being intimate with anyone other than my H after all this time makes my skin crawl. Isn't it romantic . . . . .
Everything you say makes sense. The thing that stings is that I realized from the get go how not having my H around would be. I knew what he brought to the table. Evidently, the things I brought to the table were not as important as I thought. If he misses me, he hides it well. If he misses anything about our life together, i.e., kids, grands, fishing, etc., he hides it very well.
Sorry to sound like such a downer, but Seeking has a way of putting things that make it easier for me to form my thoughts into words.
Punkin, Thought I'd bring this back to your thread to give my thoughts to.
Sweetie, your H doesn't hide things very well at all. The message you received from him said it all. Ow on the other hand is very manipulative and hanging on for dear life.
She's not done with him yet. She still feels there is something to be gained.
His reaching out to you, especially intoxicated and inhibitions low gave you a clear sign that what he buries deep while sober is still there at his core. He misses you and his life with you.
When I said if my H had said something like that to me it would keep me going for a long time what I meant is that you know that your H still wants you. I was so happy that you heard that from him, even though it was a hit and run. I wish I could hear something like that from mine. Even if it came as a result of your H and ow having a fight, it was you that he turned to.
This process takes such a long time Punkin, and there are no guarantees. I know how hard it is to step back and be patient. I'll tell you though that if you can do that and love your H from a distance, cracks will keep appearing. This affair has to die it's own death.
You can not make it go any faster, but you can slow it up. Don't give them anything to bond over.
This is your time Punkin. Those things you brought to the table were important. They will become even more apparent in time to your H as the ow can not compare to you.
One thing I'm absolutely certain of is that no matter how your sitch turns out, you're going to be better than OK. Your spirit and love of life shines through!
My concern is, if I continue to seek Ow's prosecution for the identity theft, won't that be giving them something to bond over? I've tried to battle this out in my head hundred's of times. Right is right and she broke the law, but then again, won't it seem like an attack on the OW?
Punkin, I want you to know that I for one do not just give platitudes to people on here. I have lived it all.
I know the fear of losing your home. I am losing mine. I do not have a fulltime job and h has been unemployed for over a year. I owe have of his $70,000 debt and have no health insurance and have a neuromuscular disease, sleep apnea, clinical depression. My son has the same disease. I honestly will not have a place to live.
Having said all that, I still believe in the principals of db. I have always felt that this has more to do with living the best life you can and sometimes it saves a marriage.
The principals I believe in are that you need to detach. This is for you. In order for you to get through this, it is essential. I also believe that you have to fake it til you make it. Because if you choose each day to live it for you, to fill your days with things you love, eventually, it becomes reality.
Because the truth of the matter is, there is nothing you can do to change whats happening. But there are some things you can do that can affect the outcome. I believe without a doubt that pulling them towards you pushes them away. They are trying to figure it all out, you pull they pull, too. And then where are you.
As far as the ow, I do not give her any of my headspace. She is not worth a second of my valuable time. She is not worthy of entering my thoughts.
And I try to live each day according to what I feel is the right thing. I dont do anything with the idea that it might or might not bring h back. I just live according to way I think God would want me to.
Db and the kind people on this forum initially helped me get through the shock of this. And then little by little, its helped me become the person I want to be.
Do I wish my h came through this and toward me? Absolutely. And no one knows what the future holds. But, would I have given up this chance in exchange for this never having had happened? Absolutely not.
So, Punkin, you have such strength and grace. You will be alright no matter what.
In the meantime, seize this opportunity for growth and understanding.
Put your old marriage safely in a box and store it away. Let h and ow blow in the wind right now.
Keep them disoriented, confused and unsure of themselves, 'eh!