I found out a little over a week ago that my wife is having an EA that has been going on for about 4-5 months. It has slowly been transitioning to a PA. The night I found out we had a big blow up. I have already told her that if she wants to stay with me, she has to have no contact with the OP. We talked some more the next day, and I tried to convince her to stay and that our marriage and family was worth trying to save. She told me the OP has told her that they will suicide if she leaves them. Although it is hard for me to accept, I understand that she has feelings for this person and has to sort them out. She asked for a week to think without me pressuring her. I did my best to give her that week. She stayed at our house, but not our room. Friday night, she asked if I would hate her if she went and spent the weekend with a friend. I was not exactly thrilled, but I told I would not hate her and that she could go. She is to be back sometime today. I found this site and a few others that I have been reading. They have helped some, and I feel some better knowing that I am not alone although I wish none of us were here at all.
I keep moving from being where I think I am in control of myself, and then the next moment I am crying and wondering what I could do to "fix" this. I know in my head that I cannot do anything, and I think that is part of the problem. I keep thinking that if only I had listened better to her, if only, if only, if only. I know it doesn't do me any good to think that way, but I cannot seem to stop.
I desperately want our marriage to be saved. I love her and have loved her for most of my life. I feel the betrayal and I don't understand why she did it. I cannot help but think it is my fault, even though I know that I did not make the choice to cheat. I do know that I helped make the marriage bad enough that it happened.
I don't know for sure when she will be home today. I am so afraid that she is going to tell that she is leaving. I know I have to let her go, but I don't want to. I am afraid that if I just let her go, she will think I don't care that she is leaving. I know if I try to cling, or force, or argue it will only push her further away, but how do I show that I want to fight for us and not just take it lying down?
Welcome. I'm new here too. But in the couple days I've been reading this, it has helped a lot. Everything you say is understandable. Manly men are supposed to just "kick her to the curb" if she cheats. I sometimes wish I could.
Two things I've learned so far. Everything takes time. Everything. This is to your advantage. If she wants out today, she may not tomorrow. If she says she wants out, the one thing that is certain is that you cannot change her mind today. It is impossible. She can, but you can't so just accept that.
Be armed. Know what YOUR requirements are for her to STAY! It is not a given that you have to accept her back. I know you want to, but it is your CHOICE. If you feel she should have no contact with the OM (good idea, if he is suicidal he can't be good for her) tell her so, and make her call him with you there.
Most likely she will say "I just don't know, I'm so confused ILYBINILWY!". You gave her the time she needed, now it is your turn. Ask her to leave, and come back in two days with an answer. Tell here, "I love you totally, but not unconditionally. I am a forgiving man and I know we can work through this. I will wait as long as I can, but I am not infinitely patient".
Use this board for strength. I have a confrontation with my W in a few days. I'm actually looking forward to reporting what transpires here. If it works for you, use it.
Good luck.
PS - There is a high probability that I amm full of $#!t. Use your best judgement.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
Thanks for the replys. This waiting and having no control over the outcome is tearing me up. I understand what you are saying Pinhead, I just don't want to come off unconcerned and uncaring. I keep wanting to dwell on her coming home and saying that she wants to try to work it out with me. I think I will try to think this way for a while (it is hard, I do tend to dwell on the negative).
Thanks for the replys. This waiting and having no control over the outcome is tearing me up. I understand what you are saying Pinhead, I just don't want to come off unconcerned and uncaring. I keep wanting to dwell on her coming home and saying that she wants to try to work it out with me. I think I will try to think this way for a while (it is hard, I do tend to dwell on the negative).
Jammed- So sorry you find yourself here.
Understandable you don't want to come off uncaring and unconcerned....but do you really want to roll over and take it? Telling her you will not live in an open marriage IS NOT you not caring, it is just the opposite. You care enough to try to save your M despite what she's done.
Don't sit around and wait for her to make a decision. Take control of your own life. Have you started to read any of Michelle's books? If not, start. Go to the book store or library today.
I'm not sure the best thing for you to do right now is sit and wait for her. Perhaps others will give their opinions on this...
Also, I hate to break it to you but you are fooling yourself if you think she didn't see OM.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
OP will commit suicide if she ends it with him? That is blackmail. She should not take it. He needs professional help and the two of you need to see a marriage counselor, or Retrouvaille or both. She is going to be severely manipulated by this man if she listens to the things he says. He is an emotional mess.
