MLC 5 years on

[beatrice]

Dear friends, it is now 5 years since my dear husband descended into full blown MLC madness. I found this wonderful forum and posted regularly (under another name) for a couple of years. I made a number of very good friends during that time, and received invaluable advice and support. Then I needed to move on, as it was fairly clear that his crisis wasn't going to end any time soon.

My husband was, and largely remains, one of the very mean ones. We have both had cancer during this time, his much more serious than mine. I thought that it might reconcile us but sadly it didn't. Periodically he seems to wake up and regret what he has lost, but it never lasts more than about three weeks before he slides back into Mr Crazy. Early this year he spent about a week phoning me daily to say how sorry he was, and then a couple of days later resumed divorce proceedings with a vengeance! My lawyer says he is the most confused person she has ever dealt with.

I was rereading Snodderley's wonderful thread recently on Thoughts on why they run. They are unhappy and in pain. And we absolutely have to get on with our lives. I continue to love my husband, and he still knows it, and still takes any opportunity to hurt me. So there is little contact between us. He complains about this at times, and says he would not have cut me out of his life the way I have done to him! Of course this is not true, as he stayed away from me for a couple of years But their reality is not ours. And we cannot and should not try to enter into theirs.

I have made many mistakes in handling all this, but one thing I am fairly sure about - it is nothing whatsoever to do with us, and really there is little we can do to help them. Almost any action will be wilfully misinterpreted. They love us and hate us at the same time, like an angry toddler. I sometimes think the MORE they loved us the more they suffer.

MLC is the saddest and most painful thing that most of us encounter - it puts two bouts of cancer into the shade. But, we grow up and mature.

I would very much like my husband to wake up fully. He has lost 5 years of seeing his fantastic sons grow up, and his behaviour has wholly estranged them. Whether or not we could ever be more than friends at this distance of time, I very much doubt, but that would be good.

Some of them make it through, and others do not. Don't give up hope, but don't hope too much. As Snodderley says -Trust the man upstairs.

I did not post this to be depressing. The fact that you have found this forum and are reading this means that you have the resources to be OK.

[mandyloo]

I thought your post to be very interesting, I too have witnessed many things that you have explained, which yet again proves to me that my ex is definately mlc material. I too have been at this five years, and also ex as cut myself and his only child out of his life, he is definately going under now but still cannot see the error of his ways, maybe one day our exes will wake up and face the destruction of their lives, maybe they will sit in the tunnel forever, it is a shame, but we cannot halt our lives for them, onward and upward my friend

[Sanderika]

Hello,

I too have been at this now for over 5 years as you can see by my signature. I have had to endure things from my H I would have never thought possible.

My H began this journey and literally hated me and everything around and about me. This 5 years has brought on many changes in our relationship. My H now says that he does love me, likes me, enjoys my company, respects me and still finds me physically attractive. HOWEVER, he cannot return to our marriage and family. He is under the belief that "it just won't work" SO, he has once again initiated a divorce. I was served by a process server yesterday. My H has filed for a divorce against me twice now inside of 24 months.

I too love him very very much and my love for him is unconditional. unfortunately for us my H does not have the same feelings for me...I do not believe that he will ever be able to come out of this. I do believe that he is making a mistake and will in time have serious guilt and regret. It will be interesting to watch how he handles his life from now on.

I too have spent much time and effort and sacrifice on my marriage and my H over the past 5 years. I have learned that my patience, kindness and unconditional love has in fact re-created our friendship. Friendship is all I will be able to have with him now....it hurts a lot. I of course am once again devastated by his actions yesterday. I am grateful at the same time to have experienced personal growth and the opportunity to see his "human" side. My H is a great guy who is simply lost.

I have hope, I have spent the past 16 hours in deep thought. I have decided that my H wants his freedom from the marriage and family. I have decided that I must let him go.....

[punkin]

Sanderika,

So sorry you are feeling this way. I like to think that a D is only a piece of paper, and that it can't/won't change the R if that is what you want to happen. If he cuts you out of his life, then, I suppose you have no choice. Otherwise, it's back to being 'just a piece of paper'. Hope your day goes better and you get some good news.

[beatrice]

Sanderika, your experience has been very close to mine in many ways, with differences in detail. Our divorce has been bubbling away for nearly two years now, with my husband apparently pushing it forward, but actually dragging his feet at every stage [including two requests to me that we call it off, which I complied with]. Soon after his latest attempt to call it off my lawyer got a letter from his lawyers asking why we kept delaying the procedure. . . . . Since she is a very smart and compassionate woman she calmly put them right, but oddly it caused me to become very angry - I have largely kept my temper, in the face of considerable provocation, but I broke one of my rules and wrote directly to him, pointing out that every single delay had been caused by him, that I was tired of the way that he had been behaving, and that I could no longer have someone in life that caused me so much hurt and pain.

Yes divorce is just a piece of paper, but legally it changes so much, and for every action there are consequences. The children want me to go for every penny I can get, but that is foolish and pointless. He has spent so much and concealed so much that it would take a long time to even know what I am actually entitled to. And I have no interest in being vindictive.

He actually said at one point that the dvorce meant we could start again with a clean slate. But whether he 'really' believes that or is saying it to feel good about doing something he knows is self destructive, I have no way of knowing. We have very little contact, and I never initiate it. If he is pleasant so am I. If he is aggressive and rude then I end the conversation as best I can.

It seems he cannot be pleasant for more than a very short period of time. I think there is guilt, depression and anger still swirling around. I do not trust him at all, sad to say, although I still love the person he was.

I do not think there is anything I can do except to get on with my life - he even resents the fact that I do this. He seems to hit bottom occasionally but always bounces back, and is a little crazier each time . . . But this could go for ever, poor man. He isn't happy, and will not accept any help or any hand of friendship. I think we have to let them go completely, and wish them well.

[Sanderika]

Hello Beatrice and Punkin,

Divorce may only be a piece of paper. I am finding it very hard to think of it in such simple terms.

In our case we have a great deal of assets to sort out and it will be a very painful experience, it is going to create raw hateful and hurtful emotions in each of us and it will most likely become the final nail in this tumultuous saga.

When my H confronted me the other day, saying he wanted to go through with the divorce and once again have me sign receipt of the complaint, he actually said that he believes and hopes that our relationship will be better and that a divorce between us will create a better relationship than the one we have now.

I can't see it. I am currently so filled with hurt and devastation that I do not want to see or hear him. I am disgusted and the emotions in me are so broken and torn at the same time. The fine line between love and hate is at play here.

You see, my H is still seeing the same OW he left me for. Yes, he has broken it off hundreds of times and always finds himself back here. The facts are he has once again initiated a divorce because he is WITH her. I am sitting here pondering all of the advice and comments on the board that I read and have to wonder if I have wasted the past 5 years standing for something that was never meant to be in the first place.

My H filed for a divorce the first time and then went 14 days and was again contacting me. That year for Christmas (approx 3 months after filing) he bought me a gorgeous Victoria's Secret nightie for a gift. My H has never gone more than 3 weeks without making contact with me during this entire 5 years.

My H has constantly come and gone from my life over the past 5 years. I have been uplifted and treated like he was coming home almost monthly and then he will dash away after a 2-4 month period of constant contact. I don't know how my soul has endured. I need to purge myself of his indecision. H needs to be alone without me in his world at all at this point in time.

My H and I were high school sweethearts. We have been together for so long we can actually read each others minds and speak the same sentence at the same time. We started a company together at the age of 19 (1983). We ran the business together until '08 when he ousted me out of my daily job(I still retain 50% ownership and my Treasurer position)at the urging of the OW and her insecurities. He has chosen her over me so many times now I have lost count.

She is vengeful, confrontational, insecure, immature, controlling, an all around evil inhuman person. (I am not just saying this, it's all true) He has lost all of his friends because of her. They now only have her friends.

She even stalked me once and confronted me at MY home to stay away from her boyfriend. OMG!! I ended up calling H and he came right over. I ended up being punched, kicked on and knocked down a set of granite stairs at MY home. I ended up with a broken finger and many bruises. H witnessed all of this and has still chosen her.

A divorce being a piece of paper? I don't respect his choice and therefore it will be more than that. I don't trust him anymore. I think the freedom from me he is seeking will be his demise. He will get that and all that it stands for. He will be faced with his choice 24/7 and I just hope it is all that he wants and more.... My real thought is that OW is fighting for control of the money he has, not him. OW will get him and then burn him....

Sure I would love to have a relationship with him after this. Unfortunately for me the relationship I want is more than friendship. I cannot settle for less.....

My H needs to learn the lessons/consequences of his choice the hard way....

I yearn for the day I hear he has regret and is filled with grief over his choice.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Five years of comings and goings; I cannot even imagine waiting that long. I don't know how you do it!!!

Puppy

[mandyloo]

wow Sanderika, such a wonderful and moving post and would you mind if I asked you a question, are you speaking about my ex, because as strange as it may seem you have described him to a T, and also the ow, who in my case managed to get ex to marry her, but it is plain to see from your post all these ow are of the same mould and at the end of the day only have the money of the exes in mind, wonder when the money runs out where all this will go, who knows

[punkin]

Sandrika,

You have spoken very eloquently of the feelings that most of us have after such a long relationship goes sour. Mandy though you were speaking of the same S. I thing you and I are sharing the same OW.

I want to thank you for your honesty. I believe it is the secret feelings and longings of most of us on this board, but we get stuck trying to be the adult and taking the high road. Every now and then you just have to get down in the dirt and 'rassle.

All the platitudes are just that . . . fond wishes on an unreal plain. Yet, we hold hope. Hope for a better tomorrow, maybe just a good night's sleep. And when we repeat these platitudes to another, it is just our way of saying, "We care, and we want you to feel better"

Hope is the answer. It has to be because for some of us, it's all we have.

[Sanderika]

Hi Puppy,

It was easy.....

I truly love my husband. I love my family and I cannot imagine us not being a family. To me....the world doesn't make any sense without H being by my side. The love I feel for him is unconditional. I am a true stander. I have forgiven him 100s of times over. I have held out hope that he would be able to see what I see and feel what I feel. Unfortunately for me and my son, my H and (his father) does not believe that he can return to us. I am left devastated, whether it be 5 days or 5 years the pain is just as huge, I am left not knowing what to believe in anymore....

I did EVERYTHING I could do to save this marriage, I was respectful and maintained dignity....I lost him just the same....


Hello Mandy, thank you....

I very well may be describing your X.

In my case I have been able to befriend the OW's X-best friend (she took my place in my office)(they had a 27 year friendship until the OW burned her,(1 too many times btw). My conversations with her have been very enlightening. She has told me things about the OW I could only imagine seeing in the movies. I think in my case here, since she has professed her actual rocky relationship with my H in detail and ultimate goals to this friend, she will reel him in hook, line and sinker and then WHAMMO, it will be goodbye to my H. This OW does not have a history of long term relationships. She does have a history of being very manipulative and always getting what she wants.

I agree with you, these women are all from the same mold, they are desperate and cunning.

My H says he will not marry her....I think he will.

The rest of the story will be a very interesting read.....

I should commission a book, already have the title picked out....

Thank you,

Sanderika