One of the first things I read. And I think I got sent to Penny Tupy's site by Allen, tto.
I have downloaded so much stuff off the web.........
You have a choice between saving yourself and her right now.
Protection is right. You're no good to anyone (and you're important to far more people than just her) so the best thing a fixer can fix is themselves.
"How much fixing could a fixer fix if a fixer could fix....."
Depends on "How many Sea Shells Sally is Selling on the Sea Shore"
I pick saving me. I'm telling you flat out though, I'm way better today because of typing on here than if I hadn't. So much support and such a great place to type the things you want to say. That's a very valuable tool imo.
You are totally caught up in this, I hope by thetime you read this you are awake tomorrow, and laughing about it. At some point you have to have the attitude a couple posts back, He can have her. i have posted on my thread about the fact that WA's leave thinking YOU are the problem, when they leave they think I am in the right, I have no issues. Well after a while they realize (some dont) that they also have issues. The difference is, luckily for this website we start to look inside oursleves and see what we need to do. Unfortunately the WA's dont have this guidance to see their true "colors".
You have to be the bigger adult and let them swim in the Sh!t pond they decided to swim in. Its kinda like jaws swimming in the open ocean with no fear, then all of a sudden a big ffing shark comes out and bites your leg off, they scream for help and guess what, they are so far into their fantasy no one is there to rescues them. I only use these types of comparissons becasue my mom is a retired hollywierd writer and I grew up in Los Angeles. Either way I have been there done that, dealing with 2 divorces, EA/ PA and just the simple WAW with no OM. I should be like puppy and coach but I am not I go back to my old ways....
You are totally caught up in this, I hope by thetime you read this you are awake tomorrow, and laughing about it. At some point you have to have the attitude a couple posts back, He can have her. i have posted on my thread about the fact that WA's leave thinking YOU are the problem, when they leave they think I am in the right, I have no issues. Well after a while they realize (some dont) that they also have issues. The difference is, luckily for this website we start to look inside oursleves and see what we need to do. Unfortunately the WA's dont have this guidance to see their true "colors".
You have to be the bigger adult and let them swim in the Sh!t pond they decided to swim in. Its kinda like jaws swimming in the open ocean with no fear, then all of a sudden a big ffing shark comes out and bites your leg off, they scream for help and guess what, they are so far into their fantasy no one is there to rescues them. I only use these types of comparissons becasue my mom is a retired hollywierd writer and I grew up in Los Angeles. Either way I have been there done that, dealing with 2 divorces, EA/ PA and just the simple WAW with no OM. I should be like puppy and coach but I am not I go back to my old ways....
LOL Thanks Dsh...I am laughing AND he can have her. I swear...I just type out my thought patterns here. I Promise. I will not cave friend. I'm pro-ME and everything was sent yesterday. I have done nothing stupid today.
I love the Shark analogy! That's about it, balls in my court and she's swimming out too far.
I mainly use this for journaling and insight from othes. But I try and offer some advice as to how I see things. When kids are involved its a whole different thing. I think when Kids are involved itcan work to help the cause. The freedom of a WA is not as open as without kids. THey have responsibilites other than themselves. That is why I did not fight her taking the kids. Not because I do not leve them, she is a good mother and I know they are safe, But she really needs to see how it is with her being by herself with the kids, I have done it, not easy.
As far as your sitch, there are advantages there as well. You do not have anything that keeps you seeing each other. Which means you can go completely dark, mysterious and no contact. The info you have discovered lately, as much as it hurts, gives you more of a reason to have no further contact with her, lets se how she handles that.
I mainly use this for journaling and insight from othes. But I try and offer some advice as to how I see things. When kids are involved its a whole different thing. I think when Kids are involved itcan work to help the cause. The freedom of a WA is not as open as without kids. THey have responsibilites other than themselves. That is why I did not fight her taking the kids. Not because I do not leve them, she is a good mother and I know they are safe, But she really needs to see how it is with her being by herself with the kids, I have done it, not easy.
As far as your sitch, there are advantages there as well. You do not have anything that keeps you seeing each other. Which means you can go completely dark, mysterious and no contact. The info you have discovered lately, as much as it hurts, gives you more of a reason to have no further contact with her, lets se how she handles that.
Dsh,
I'm so THANKFUL I don't have kids that would have to go thru this crap. Society is disposable nowadays and the hardship it creates for children is truly sad.
We do have dogs which are nothing compared to children, but they do hold value. Unfortunately, my W will read her email on the no more contact, which includes she could "wig" out about it. I asked not to hear from her again, nor will she hear from me..asked that she doesn't come see dogs, but I will let her know if something happens health wise (out of respect). Told her that she and her new love can get their own dogs and she can let go of her "old past" and focus on herself. NO MORE contact.
Reality though, the dogs are her window for seeing the "old" life and I believe she will use it again to get "inside". So going dark and mysterious has yet to be seen, until she says something by Tuesday I'm not home free yet. If she brings it up I will be here to sort the thoughts before I make decision. That I guarantee! However, I do believe she lost the right to see them by Leaving Home, cheating, and constantly lying so if she gives me too much static I will put my foot down to turn her away.
She's still chewing on LIE BUSTING, so I have no idea what to expect...except for your point earlier. Makes me a little nervous.
I mainly use this for journaling and insight from othes. But I try and offer some advice as to how I see things. When kids are involved its a whole different thing. I think when Kids are involved itcan work to help the cause. The freedom of a WA is not as open as without kids. THey have responsibilites other than themselves. That is why I did not fight her taking the kids. Not because I do not leve them, she is a good mother and I know they are safe, But she really needs to see how it is with her being by herself with the kids, I have done it, not easy.
As far as your sitch, there are advantages there as well. You do not have anything that keeps you seeing each other. Which means you can go completely dark, mysterious and no contact. The info you have discovered lately, as much as it hurts, gives you more of a reason to have no further contact with her, lets se how she handles that.
I will say this though...Random Good Morning texts or How are you doings will not be responded to. I know my reaction when I see them. DELETE. No more small talk and no more temp checking...she's on her own.
I mentioned that he was driving her Tahoe that day, insurance is being transferred Tuesday. I'll be damned if HomeBoy is driving around on OUR insurance. No Lawyer needed for that. Since I could die Tuesday, she also is being removed as Beneficiary. If Lawyer tells me by law I can remove her from Health Insurance...she's gone....she takes almost a $1000 hit a month for that one. Otherwise, Sept 30 she will feel FREE from me.
I know how hard you're hurting. Just remember to do the Right Thing.
Going NC is the best choice now. No involvement with her. No sending her messages. Respond only to critical ones, and then be upbeat and positive like it's no sweat off your back.
Remember the survival rate of affairs etc is very low. This guy will be gone in a while, and then she'll be onto someone else. Chasing happiness instead of doing some introspection and soul searching. Meanwhile you're figuring out what you want and need, making changes in yourself that you know are good for you, as opposed to finding your next hookup.
I didn't sleep good. My head is just spinning with thoughts of where to begin. I mean before Saturday I had a simple plan, now it's like a mudslide of other things that I just have to wrap my head around. The strongest feeling - one that seems to constantly stay in my thoughts - is the need to get out of this situation as fast as possible.
As much as she lied about everything I'm still trying to forgive her, but then I get so angry. I can't get the image of Saturday out of my head and it's difficult to control the thoughts.
I'm still relieved that I found out, but now I don't feel as free and it opened up a lot of other issues. I want to save my M, but why should I be with anyone who treats me like crap? I don't deserve to be lied to, cheated on, or thrown out like a used toy. I mean how would I ever be able to trust her again? There is just no way! Just a new wave of emotion that I had 2 months ago starting all over again.
OH, the lack of self esteem and confidence since Saturday is just flat degrading too. It really hurts and reminds me of how important it is to get my confidence back. I'm not where I need to be.
"Chasing happiness instead of doing some introspection and soul searching"
Pin, that pretty much sums her up. Nicely put. I don't think my W is altogether "upstairs" at all, her common sense went out the window a few years ago. Now she's caught in a "High" that I don't know if she will ever seek help. I care about her and STILL love her, but how can you help or love someone, if they don't help or love themselves? She had issues before we we're even married, but we all do, but she NEVER would have done anything like this to anyone before. I personally think she's going through some hormonal changes and it's changed her for the worse. That's my opinion, but maybe it's repressed anger too, like "get even" kind. Not a damn thing I can do about it.
Detaching, when you're a recovering Nice Guy is really hard. NC is easy, but really detaching is hard. I'll just continue to pray and work on me, eventually this will all pass.
