My New LBS Reality

[punkin]

Irish,

I was thinking today I went the whole summer and never went to the Farmer's Market because it raised memories of H. Didn't grow a garden, didn't can a single thing. I can't even think of going into certain restaurants.

I was a bit naughty, but have had a good weekend overall. Have fun with your D's tomorrow! I'm cleaning out the garage.

[dl443322]

IB, there is nothing f'd up about feeling the way you did from your childhood. Believe me, I carried a lot of sh#t from it. It manifested itself differenly in me, but it was still stuff, nonetheless.

These are all things that take time to work through. And you will if you open your mind and heart to it. Remember that your parents, though neglectful, etc. did the best they could with the tools they had.

But you know that you are worthy, right? You matter. You matter in the lives of your children, your family, your friends. You matter in the world.

Dont measure your self worth by the actions of your h or anyone else for that matter.

Measure it by the love you have in your heart, your compassion and honesty and loyalty.

And I look at the thing at Lowes differently than you did. I looked at it as = you did what you needed to do on your own. Good for you.

You are going to continue to get sad at times. I wish I can tell you you arent. But, if you fill your days with at least one thing for you, one thing you love, you will begin to live your life and the sad days will be further and further apart.

But it aint gonna happen until you get to the place you need to be. And you arent going to get there until you change your mindset.

Make new memories. Celebrate you. Celebrate the opportunity to forge stronger bonds with your children, family and friends. Get closer to God if you are so inclined.

Remember that you are important to the people who love you.

So, I keep hearing about things you are doing for everyone else. I want you to do one thing entirely for you. Just you.

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn -

I did start my day today going to church - yes I need my faith and I find comfort from it. It is also a bittersweet place to be - H and I would attend together and hold hands - found comfort together. I appreciate your words of advice - I know that I do matter. Tomorrow I will be doing several things for myself.

Thanks!

[dl443322]

IB, I am glad that you find comfort in your faith. I couldnt imagine my life without it.

I'm sorry that it is bittersweet for you when you go to church. I wish that you can skip this part. But every single step is necessary in order for you to get to a place of peace.

Just keep moving forward. When you are feeling sad, try to let is wash over you, feel it and then let it go.

I know it is hard for you to imagine that one day you will not feel so bad. But I promise, it will happen.

You are doing great.

[irishblessings]

Thanks B! Your encouragement means a lot.

So this morning wake up - come upstairs - 16 year old son had friends spend the night - house DISASTER!! Food left out of refrigerator all night - dog remnants everywhere -

So I start making french toast - S comes in and I say "food is ruined from last night - you'll have to throw it away. Dog s**t everywhere - I can't live like this" S gets mouthy / cops attitude. I tell him to get out of the house. Don't know where this came from - I just had it. I'm mopping up dog pee / cooking breakfast / I have supplemented is bank account by about $350 since Thursday and he gets mouthy with me. So he starts banging around the house - "she kicked me out" / gets his keys and I say "you are not taking the car". He throws the keys. We are talking a complete trashy horror story. I break down sobbing - he starts crying. When did we become like this - this isn't us!!! Ds are watching the whole scene knowing this is not how they grew up. I feel sick! I get so overwhelmed missing H and missing our working together raising the kids. It was easier - now I feel flattened by the whole scene. We end up hugging and making up - but are we "better" for having gone through this versus not? I don't think so - I think we end up a little more jaded/sadder by the whole thing. I don't mean to sound "pollyannaish" - but I don't want to waste energy on small things like a dirty house and such.

So...I'm going for a mani/pedi and pool time! Will report back later how the day ends up!

[Truegritter]

but are we "better" for having gone through this versus not? I don't think so - I think we end up a little more jaded/sadder by the whole thing.

It is all what you do with the tragedy Irish.

It is all what you let break you.

No one is making you stand here.

Are they?

Your pain will teach you many things on this journey.

Listen to it.

Have expectations only of yourself.

[punkin]

The saying "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" comes to mind. And, often, I wish it would have just killed me and gotten it over with. Instead, I am one strong Bi-otch, as I'm told by my friends.

My H has told me from his own mouth that my strength frightens him. Sometimes, though, strength is not what is called for. I think softness and understanding are. I do not blame you one bit for your anger at your home this morning. I'd have cleaned up the pee with son's head as a mop. Your anger is understandable. Your son's reaction, normal teenager. Think back, teenage scenes such as this were not a rarity even when your H was home, were they?

Line from a movie, "There is no right or wrong, there's just Life. Go out there and Live It."

Just another day in paradise, Irish, we'll get through it together.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Punkin and Gritt - day ended up nice with the kids. The 4 of us sat down at dinner and said grace and had a lovely dinner. H did not contact kids today. In some ways they said it was easier for them. He is not the same. Again, I believe what I've been told on this board - H is responsible for his relationship with the kids, not me.

New start tomorrow - focus on IB.

[dl443322]

Honey, I hope you got your mani-pedi. Dont you just love the way they feel!

And about your children - I learned the hard way to get out of the way of their relationship with their father.

Early on, I would try to cajole my h to call his son. I would do the same with my son. I wanted so desperately for that relationship to remain intact. But that was not good for either of them.

I realized if I had to force my h to call his son, is that really the relationship I wanted them to have? Uh uh. I knew that I wanted for my son whatever relationship he wanted to forge with his father. I promised myself I would do nothing to interfere with it and I stayed out of the way. I have not to this day said a bad word about his father, nor have I ever made it uncomfortable when his dad comes to see him. My son has thanked me for this.

So, while I know as a mom you cannot imagine not being with your kids, hearing their voices, seeing their faces, it is clearly your children and your h's choice to make - hard as that is to let them do.

And your children are certainly old enough to do what they feel is best for themselves. And they have now told you that right now, its best for them to not hear from him. That may change, it may not, but you have to respect their right to make the decision.

And I like it - focusing on IB.

Do it up!

[irishblessings]

The day ends with H sending the kids a message - "hope you had a good day"

My AC is on the blink / my dryer broke / my washer is on its last leg / my refrigerator has exposed inside door with no shelves. I have no help.

I am beginning the couch to 5k tomorrow. Middle D and I will be running 5k on Thanksgiving. 3-hour diet starts tomorrow - have had good success on this previously. No alcohol staring tomorrow - too much of a depressant.

I remain dark and hope to be dark until S's first game in November. It seems unbelievable that I am thinking ahead to the holidays - last year we had GREAT holidays. I don't know who this man is at all!