New Here Same Old Story

[rb1967]

I am new here and need some direction. I have been married for 13 years, I am 42, H is 40. We have one son- 11yo. On August 17, 10, I looked at my H cell phone and saw text messages from what I am sure now is the OW. I had a hunch about this and have questioned him several times about if he is cheating and if there is anything we need to talk about but whenever I asked him about it he would say he was not cheating on me. About 2 months ago, he took my son and a playmate swimming. My son told me that the OW met them at the swimming pool. When my son mentioned woman's name I kinda started puttin 2 and 2 together. He said it was his Dad’s friend but didn’t speak about any funny behavior. I am pretty sure my son would have told me if they had kissed or something. I have not discussed this incident with my husband as I don’t know what effect doing so will have on my son. Anyway on 8/17 after seeing the text messsages, I confronted my husband about he messages only by pouring a bottle of water on his head while he was sleeping- wasn’t the whole bottle just enough to make him jump up. We have been back and forth about this issue since them. My husband says they have been sleeping together off and on for the past 2 years. He says it is just sex. And this is because I don’t initate sex with him. For the record this has been a constant battle in our marriage –the initating sex thing. I can bring myself to do it and other times I just cant. I do not however, turn down sex when he initiates. He says because I don’t intiate it he has built up the feeling that I don’t love him or care for him thus the OW. He is also saying he is very nervous and apprehensive about being in the room with me beacuse of the water incident. He says that if I would do that there is no telling what other acts of violence I may do to him. Especialy since he was sleeping.

About 5 years ago, we went to marriage counseling because he was having an A. Again, he said it was due to the same issue. He said after counseling I did a better job but I slacked off, way off. And here we are today. Currently, he is saying that he doesn’t want to end the marriage at all and he knows it can be repaired. I have made a commitment to him to iniate sex more often even narrowing down to x time per week. However he sites on of 2 things when we discuss my commitment or willingness to change my behavior 1-he is not sure I will continue as I say I will, because I have made this promise in the past and dropped the ball 2-if he gives up the OW and things don’t work out between us then he will have lost a friend. Even though he is adimate that he can not build a life with this person as this would be going backwards financially, she doesn’t know how to take care of his personal affairs, cant cook, etc. He says even though she told him she would be waiting for him if we divorced, he doesn’t plan on being with her if this happened. Again, it is just sex. He stated if she stopped having sex with him he would leave her to.

My husband hasn’t moved out and says he has no where to go. He does however stay out until around 4:00am everyday except Tuesday& Wednesday which his off days. However since the discovery he is even staying out on his off day until this time. He says he is not always with her – he does have guy friends. I have read Divorce Remedy however I had an eotional break down this week and now I am all over the place- mad, said , crying etc
I don’t know what to do now. Oh, my husband said he would go to counseling -1-for our marriage 2-and because he is traumitzed by the water incident. However, he doesn’t understand why I want to do it so quickly and why am I in such a rush -since he has made it clear he doesnt want to end the marrage. Could this be posible cake-eating. HELP HELP