How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Kara, I've read through most of your story from 2009 and the start of 2010. Hope things are positive now.
I also find that prayer keeps me sane and gives me strength. I often ask Jesus to send me a little sign of hope, so I can carry on. I can't break down, my kids would be very upset. And the strength is always there. And I've even experienced an unexpected phonecall from H just after I'd prayed very hard.

My H has moved out. I've felt so responsible for this. But now I realise that his choices were and are his. I can only take responsibility for part of what went wrong, not all. He's the one who turned to another woman when he knew his wife loved him, she was just overloaded with work.

I did not always realise that certain ways of behaving got to him and upset him, but he'd be grumpy or angry but not clear about his feelings. I'm not a mind-reader and he should have talked to me clearly and kindly while there was time. So I'm going to stop putting the blame on myself.

If I were in a position to make a meaningful u-turn on past behaviours, it would be to take lots more care of my appearance, initiate intimacy, be more openly affectionate. These were part of his gripes when he told me of Affair. Straight away, I did start doing all of that, but it must have been too late, as he left our room in May and the house in August. So how can I do that now? I suppose just look as good as can be now all the time - for the kids, for me, and for his benefit when I see him. I've had my hair done and changed my way of dressing, but he only seems to look at me with disdain.

You mentioned your H's mood swinging. I've noticed that too, especially since he's left. He will "forget himself" and look at me and laugh and smile as in the past, then the mask is put on again PDQ. almost as if he goes "oops!". He'll be cold and stony one day, and come here wanting to know if I painted the outdoor woodwork or cut hedges or something. then the next evening he's on the phone telling me of work troubles and sending me kisses. My head spins betimes.

At the start, I did spy a little - nothing I didn't have a right to look at really - detailed phone bills, bank statements, joint email stuff. and what I found buried in there only made me feel worse about myself and about him. Never better. I did tell him what I'd found, couldn't stop myself, and that drove him wild. I sometimes think that being found out to be a cheat and a liar was the part that killed our M for him. He told me of his affair, came clean. But then a month later, I found stuff that showed me it wasn't a thing of the past.So he was shown to be lying and I think couldn't live with that. I'll never know. If he comes back, there are lots of things to discuss, but I don't want to know any more about the OW and his secret bachelor life.

I realise I've always bent over backwards to please him, didn't often claim things for myself and lost touch with my own desires. So became insipid to husband? So became resentful and tense and so less in the mood for love at times? So gained weight? I've lost the weight, but still have the urge to please at all costs. I'm reading "Disease to Please", about the compulsion to please others and how to find a cure. Some things ring a bell.
You mention books by Marianne Williamson and some man : graham something? About how to love and let go, how to real loveetc. I too believe that anger can be healthy but very unproductive. My H is angry all the time, at me, at the kids. He barely contains it at times, yet we do nothing to eserve it. I need some help with showing love and possibly being attractive to a man who's ready to blow a lot of the time. He was more sheepish today, but definitely out of sorts. so book advice.

I don't have a budget that'll stretch to lots of shoes and new clothes, but I have been changing my wardrobe somewhat. When you lose 18kg, you(d better celebrate.
I hope you're in a good place now. Thanks to you and anyone reading. Just writing makes me feel better.
NCU