Where does the WAW go

[FindingMyVoice]

What kinds of things can you do now to find yourself, while still in the M Doodi?

I don't know. I feel like H is crowding into every available moment. I know its really sad but I don't know where to even start looking for me. I've been a mom since I was 9 (first to my brother now to my kids). I read, I surf, and I watch movies. Nothing big, nothing to write home about. I'm just boring.

Nothing big?! You're just boring!? HOGWASH!!! Look at you go! Look at what you overcame in your childhood. Look at the fact that you stepped up to care for not only your brother, but to have babies of your own! I, literally, am in awe of that Doodi. Seriously. And what courage it must have taken for you to reach out for help on this board. There's nothing boring or 'everyday' about a person who can do that. And look at this...

I'm looking into finding a job now. I'm going to fill out an app for the school, since I love kids and they love me might as well make it positive right.

Doodi, that's wonderful! Allow yourself to feel proud of these accomplishments, and let that give you courage to think about other things you'd like to do with your life. If there's even five minutes alone in your day, that you can give yourself just to dream about what that job could be, or even just hobbies you might enjoy. Even if it's just while you're brushing your teeth at night. You deserve that Doodi.

[Doodi]

I just realized that although I say I'm doing the things I want I'm still basing my actions on his 'approval.

*I won't post/surf this site when he's around. I even shut it down when he comes in.

*I have bought a book "How to deal with screwed-up people". But I won't read it when he's around and I actually have it hidden from him. I don't want him to think I bought it with him in mind...although it was him & my mom that I was thinking about.

*I've been looking up the other books that have been suggested but everything is done without his knowledge.

This is the fear I talk of. I don't want to start arguments, especially about something that to me is only going to help us, so I hide it. I'm so tired for all the fighting I hide everything there is about me.

I just want to keep the peace until I have better communication/coping skills. But right now it seems to be at the expense of my sanity.

[Doodi]

@FMV...I told you I have mad self-esteem issues. I can't help but look around and see how everyone else has so much to offer. I can only relate to kids. I think I'm trapped in my metal maturity. But I am hoping that I can get the job.

I do have to admit that one thing I was doing and am going to try to get back to is I started writing some FanFiction. I've been told it's sad, stupid and pathetic but it makes me feel good and there are actual people reading it and liking it, so why not right. It's not hurting anyone, right.

[soleil]

If writing is a good outlet for you, then go for it. Who cares
I know you said you don't want to fight with h... so don't! If you feel a fight coming on, let it go. If the conversation is getting heated, let it go and change topics or say, Can we talk about this later? Stop reacting. It's a Godsend! I wish I would have done this a lot more before I moved out of my home. It's like I kept walking into fights head-on, like into a brick wall. Take it from someone who's been there.

I hope you are having a good weekend.

[Doodi]

@Soleil...I will say the writing does make me feel good. Not so much the writing itself (frustrating at times) but knowing that it's completely mine. I have to find my happy place to get back into it.

As for the weekend, the H planned a fam outing which we did yesterday. Today we just chilled, recovery from yesterday.

It's crazy because H keeps asking me if I had fun or if I'm having a good day, and I honestly don't know what to say. It's like there's nothing to feel one way or the other about. The day just happens, nothing good and nothing bad. How do I respond? In my book, nothing bad makes for a good day but I'm used to being numb.

[soleil]

Respond with exactly how you are feeling. Be honest with him. Doodi, I am getting the impression fromj your posts that you may be suffering a depression. Have you looked into that yet? Have you suffered from it in the past? I would recommend that you see an IC if you haven't already (and an MC). An IC will definiteloy help you sort out all of these feelings you are experiencing (and non-feelings). The numbness is not a fun feeling. Coasting through your days - been there, done that.

Writing = very good. Have you tried journalling?

[Doodi]

Yes, I do suffer from Depression. I take my happy pills daily. I see my shrink on Tues. I haven' seen her in a little over a year but I was seeing an IC for the M. Now I'm going back to my shrink. She knows my back story, she helped me conquer many of my issues and helped me grow to what I am today. Now I realize that I still have some growing to do so I'm on my way back.

I do journal. Well I about a week ago. I notice that I don't want to do it when he's around. I don't trust to leave my book where he could find it and read, so it's better to not let him know about it. Although recently more of my journaling has been on here.

[AJM]

Doodi. It sounds a lot like you have several issues going on. All at once. That would certainly cause some confusion if you ask me.

Going back to see your shrink is absolutely a great idea. Overcoming your self-esteem issues is another. You are really short-changing yourself based on what you write. And by the way, you are a fantastic writer. Really. It comes out in the way you write. Very good at articulating difficult concepts and feelings. A real talent and believe me, I read a lot.

One thing I think I should mention. It seems to me that you are on a journey of self-discovery and also trying to keep your marriage together. I suspect that your memories are a little "re-remembered" at this point. You mention that those memories are darkening. It seems to me that for somebody to go 20 years in a marriage, it would take a lot more than just dark. It also sounds like your husband is more than interested in your changes. I suspect he would be very happy if you did change and attained better self-esteem. Doesn't mean it would be easy for him to watch or deal with or relate to. He's at a different place than you are, but it sounds like he loves you for you, no matter what the changes are. That's a love of you at your core and not at your character. Can you make it work? I dunno, but my guess is that it has more to do with you than him from what you've posted. And that's OK.

What I wanted to mention: don't put a time limit on things if you can help it. I think if you do you'll doom yourself to failure in the goals you are forming. You know you need to work more on you than anything else. That's huge. But separation won't cause your marriage to work. It'll be a separation and would likely result in the marriage ending if I had to guess. By not putting a time limit on things, you will endure short term and possibly intense pain, but I can tell you from people I've talked to and seen, that working through this (and you will work through this either together or apart) will be your best bet. You are facing all kinds of history and issues and depression and... well, a lot. Get the help for you. Trust that your H will adjust accordingly and even though it may seem dark, remember that it gets darkest before the dawn. No time limits should be imposed for things to change. Take that pressure off of you.

Good luck with your changes and adjustments Doodi. I think the changes are needed, but it does not sound like the marriage or the relationship has to end due to your growth. I think your H wants you to grow. Desperately. Even if you can't see that.

Peace to you and yours.

[A_goodman]

Doodi,

I want to add to what FMV said. I think way back at the beginning, Sandi or the Greek mentioned that you had nuggets to come into this room. You don't often see courage. Especially when it's yourself that's being courageous. That is no small thing. I know that you probably read scores of threads before you started yours. you knew that your position was not exactly favored. Now, it's played out that the folks on here are the wonderful people I believed they were and they have rallied around you. But that does't discount the guts it took to step up and lay out your story.

Your life is NOT boring at all. Everyone has the opportunity to live life on their own terms and achieve great things. Not everyone has the grit and salt to do it though. I don't think you are a "wisher". Maybe you haven't found that thing that makes you happy, or the path that leads to YOUR greatness yet, but when you do I expect you will have the nuggets to get it done. And THAT is really the most important thing.

Go get that job. Maybe God intended you to live through what you have so that you can be his arms and eyes and voice, thereby allowing you to help others to overcome. (others without your tougness). Maybe you're destined to become a great writer (I agree with whoever told you that you already are a very good writer BTW). Who knows, maybe your destiny is in cross-cultural work.

Whatever it is, you have what it takes to be happy. You have to start believing in yourself. Hell, if all of us complete strangers can see these things and believe in you, than it has to be there for all to see. Including you, when you open your eyes and look.

Be strong.

[Doodi]

Hey Guys,

You touched my heart. I was having a pity party today, worrying that I was getting nowhere, and I sign on here and see such kind words from "complete strangers." I've never thought anything I've done, thought, or felt could have benefits to anyone else. It is really surreal to think my ramblings make sense to anyone, especially since they very rarely make sense to me. But if you guys keep reading I'll keep coming back.

My session with my Doc was pretty great. It was great to not be expected to make a decision. My self esteem issues were clouding my thoughts. I could talk a good game and say the right things but when things got quiet I was second guessing everything. The facts are these...

*I have grown by leaps and bounds. Because of this growth I have found the strength to stand up for me.

*It did take me 20 yrs to say my true feelings but honestly it's better late than never.

*My decisions up til now were not wrong or skewed, they were the best I could make at those moments with the mental tools I had.

*Right now I am working on me and me only. I can't make any decisions or gameplans about my M until I'm completely 'healed'. My H has choices he can make and I will deal with those as they come.

*Throughout my journey others may not understand my decisions or choices. I can't let that make me second guess myself. This is my life, my journey and I have to be true to myself.

*My changes may cause changes in others but that will not be my focus.

*I will deal with things as they come. It doesn't matter where I've been or where I'm going...only where I'm at. That's all I can work with.

I have homework and it's fairly intimidating. I'm supposed to figure out what I want to work on with my Dr. I have so many issues it seems impossible to pick one. The good news is that we do work well together and she has helped me to the place I am today. I did actually learn things and implement them into my life. Now I just need to figure out what steps I'm taking next.

My H had an interesting analogy last night about where he is with our M. He says he sees his life as being a highway with an exit ramp...right now he's not ready to take that exit, he wants to ride on forever. I used his analogy to explain where I'm at...I explained to him that I'm on the same highway but right now mine path is riddled with garbage and landmines. I have to maneuver may way through all this before I can even think of figuring out if I'm ready to take the exit or not. I think he got it.

He did say that he hopes that I continue to grow and that it will only be a good thing, even if it leads to the end of our M. It was an intense moment to say the least. Scary, terrifying but heartfelt and touching all at the same time.

I hope that even though my journey now is headed towards my personal growth and not so much about my M that I can still pop on the board. I will definitely be on to make comments to others...hopefully helping where I can.

To all you "strangers"...

Smooches,
Doodi