Yes, I learned a lot. Mostly that getting through to other people had more to do with changing me, than changing them. I had to view my changes as the goal of my work; and if he changed as a result then it was just a benefit. Granted, a huge one! But for me, it couldn't be the goal. When I viewed changing him or even the M as the goal, it kept me from saying and doing what I needed to so that we could both move forward. (If that makes any sense)
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So insightful! And then I got to the end and saw that out of 3 books it was based on, 2 of them are the 2 Terry Real's books pookie mentioned. I've ordered the first one for now.
FMV, it does make a lot of sense. I know that for me avoiding feels "better" for our R, which is completely not! And making changes for yourself is a lot more motivating, because the results depend only on you, not on something you can't control.
And now I'm going to write that email!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Since he's gone now, I can't engage him in further conversation, but I want to send him an email saying that it hurts me when he makes sarcastic comments like this. I know that it's a difficult subject and I appreciate that he talked to me about it but put downs like this are not welcome.
This is what I wrote: It hurts me when you make sarcastic comments like this. I understand that you are worried about finances, but I don't agree to be an outlet for your negative feelings. It's a difficult subject and I appreciate that you brought it up and that we talked about it. I think it's important that we can talk about things without putting each other down.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Well it won't be here for a few days and I'm trying to react to CB immediately after it happens (or almost immediately. I know he went to sleep after we talked so I figured I can think about the email for a little cause he'll read it in the morning anyway).
I tried to draw a boundary, in a calm, non-anger-inducing way. I also tried to give recognition for positive things to encourage them.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
FMV, it does make a lot of sense. I know that for me avoiding feels "better" for our R, which is completely not!
Yes indeed! It's not what's better, it's just what you're used to. Been there done that wrote the book. So glad you're seeing that while you're still so young. Better than waiting til you're an old gal like me!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Well it won't be here for a few days and I'm trying to react to CB immediately after it happens (or almost immediately. I know he went to sleep after we talked so I figured I can think about the email for a little cause he'll read it in the morning anyway).
I tried to draw a boundary, in a calm, non-anger-inducing way. I also tried to give recognition for positive things to encourage them.
Personally, I don't think you did such a bad thing in sending that email. Yes he might get mad, but the drawbacks of him being angry pales in comparison to the drawbacks of stifling our right and responsibility to speak up when someone hurts us.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Yes indeed! It's not what's better, it's just what you're used to. Been there done that wrote the book. So glad you're seeing that while you're still so young. Better than waiting til you're an old gal like me!
I have to give credit to my H who MADE ME start thinking about it and see it . Not in the most pleasant way, but it works!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Well it won't be here for a few days and I'm trying to react to CB immediately after it happens (or almost immediately. I know he went to sleep after we talked so I figured I can think about the email for a little cause he'll read it in the morning anyway).
Sometimes it pays not to react right away when emotions run high. Even next morning. It's been going on long enough. You can wait.
People may disagree with me here but why not to collect the resentment while learning how to best and most effectively express that in one serving?
. Not in the most pleasant way, but it works!