Where does the WAW go

[FindingMyVoice]

Good morning Doodi, hey, no apologies for allowing your thoughts and feelings to come out - it's good to see such a nice long post from you! It's never a bad thing to think...you're entitled to explore every one of your thoughts and emotions - they belong to you and you deserve them.

Yes, confusion is completely normal; though by all means, I can appreciate how uncomfortable it can be. Journaling is a wonderful way to help sort out all those mixed emotions, so by all means, let it out. (12bar once told me that and it really helped me, so thought I'd pass it along). It's a release - by just keep getting it out; sooner or later those efforts will help you start sorting all those confusing thoughts and feelings out.

As an individual, I can look back and see that I have made leaps and bounds in my life. ...

Now my happiness and individuality is going to effect so many is it right for me to want it?

YES!!! Yes you DESERVE your happiness... you have a RIGHT to it! Don't let anyone else tell you any different. And when people truly love and care for you, they want the same for you.

Granted, when one person in a relationship starts making changes - particularly such significant ones like you're making - the other person usually starts having and making big 'change back!' counter moves. Most of the time those reactions are simply their own confusion about your changes. You are a new 'you'- you may be speaking differently, doing different things - the whole nine yards. Change is frightening, so they typically - usually unconsciously - try to get you to 'change back' because that is simply what they're used to, not necessarily because they're trying to keep you from being happy. They're just trying to figure out how to relate to this new person they're seeing. (I read about this theory in Harriet Lerner's work...I've listed some of her books below) But I think there's a difference between that, and truly abusive behavior. 'Change back' tactics are a pain, but at least they're manageable. There's usually ways to react to them that help you both change the dynamic of the interaction and make the relationship stronger. But as you well know, abusiveness does not respond in that positive way and require strong boundaries. Doodi, you know your sitch more intimately than anyone else. If abusive behaviour persists, then no-one has the right to tell you that you should stay. Keep exploring your thoughts, feelings, and learning new behaviors, Doodi. You can trust yourself. And no matter what you decide, you have my support.

Have you read anything by Harriet Lerner? Her work has helped me immensely. She has quite a series of books, but the three that have helped me most are: The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Fear, and The Dance of Intimacy. They're very empowering; she somehow is able to make some pretty confusing, complex issues, more manageable to think about. I think you'd enjoy them, if you haven't read them already.

Take care Doodi, will continue watching your thread and cheering for you. You deserve a great life, and to be cherished by everyone in it. Take care, FMV.