You know I had spyware put on my computer last Sept/Oct not because of anything she did it was due to my own paranoia. I never saw anything regarding OM, but that is when I noticed that she was looking for and apartment everytime we would have a fight, again caused by me usually (jealousy/paranoia).
So, I had her pw for both her work email and job email. I still have access to her job email and she has kept all of my emails that I have sent her before all this WAW started as well as now. She even opened the email that I sent last Friday regarding her mail after she had collected it.
Again, she is very sentimental (I know that some on this site will say that she could use the emails as a stalking defense, but there is nothing increminating in them (no veiled threats and the like)). And your right, I am speculating she is a nurse and she told me that there will be times when she would have to work evenings and weekends. Since she is new and this is the 1st holiday since she started she might have got stuck working this holiday weekend. And I think this site also tells you who viewed your profile and I have not looked in 5 or 6 days.
It is just driving me crazy with the lack of communication (cruel and inhumane). But even if there was an OM now in the picture it does not mean that I am out of the fight. We do have history together...and all the OM has is a profile that says "Never Married", let her explain that if there is OM and I confront it!
I really do not know what to think with the lack of communication...is she afraid of me? is she avoiding the sitch? she still loves me, but confused and afraid that I would influence her to come back? Maybe if there is OM this would give her the confidence or comfort to talk to me. I think I will forget the b-day email. I don't want to reward her for putting me through this purgatory. I know I hurt her with the A, but she internalized and allowed it fester and to blow-up 2 yrs later.
I noticed that she was looking for and apartment everytime we would have a fight.
She was getting ready to leave. What were you fighting about that made her toe start detaching?
Quote:
But even if there was an OM now in the picture it does not mean that I am out of the fight.
Right attitude. Just pick your battles wisely. Remember you are fighting FOR her and not necessarily to win.
Like Coach has said many times: She is in a fog. Fog is created when the temperature reaches dew point. You can only control the amount of heat that you are putting out.
When you say "fighting for her and not ...to win", what exactly do you mean? I'm also in the fog about "fog". Do you mean if we get cold enough with our runaway spouses they'll see things more clearly? I'd have thought they could also use our coldness as another excuse to stay away for good and look elsewhere. As in " how could I want to come back to a sour faced, indifferent so-and-so like you? NotCrackingUp
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
When you say "fighting for her and not ...to win", what exactly do you mean? I'm also in the fog about "fog". Do you mean if we get cold enough with our runaway spouses they'll see things more clearly? I'd have thought they could also use our coldness as another excuse to stay away for good and look elsewhere. As in " how could I want to come back to a sour faced, indifferent so-and-so like you? NotCrackingUp
When you fighting your fight you focus on the progress not on the outcome. You cannot predict that you'll ever win your WAS back, but you can fight for that possibility. These are baby steps.
If you don't pursue and become more mysterious and interesting they can see that as attractiveness and the fog will start clearing. Good memories return and they may start having second thoughts.
That will never happen if you are constantly in pursuit.
None of it is my wisdom, but I can tell you that I have seen results in my own sitch. So I focus on the little results, checking the temperature and keep doing what works.
I am sitting here waiting for W to come home from her vacation alone. Who knows what happens. I may have to start looking for a new home for myself next week. I gave her two options to choose from. It's her choice and based on that my battle plans may have to be adjusted soon.
I've been reading/lurking on your thread trying to see if there was anything useful I could say. I'm still very new to this but I'm also one of the few WAW who I've seen on here. That said I'm on the darkside, if you will.
2 things stood out to me recently.
1st--Don't Give in. Your not cutting your losses if you go ahead and file, you are losing everything and the final blow will have been dealt by you. True it is forced by her but that might be what she is looking for. She'd be able to say, "I didn't give up, he did."
2nd--I have to agree with the guys about pursuing her. My H hasn't gone completely dark with me yet, but I know that on the days when he acts completely ambivalent to what I'm doing, my interest is peaked. I'm more interested in him when he 'ignores' me than when he's focused on me. Make sense? I hope so.
Like I said, I'm really new to this and the vets might contradict what I'm saying but I just figured I'd throw my $.02 cents in the hat.
Good luck to ya, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
As in Edgar Allen Poe's "Tell Tale Heart", I figured that if I had an A why couldn't she? I had extremely low self esteem, remember 285 lbs and I am with a young attractive physically fit woman. When I had the A my W's friend told her that she was attractive enough to find OM (what wife said to me) so the death spiral had begun starting with my A in June 08.
As I said in other posts I use to say "when you leave me I have OW as my plan B" a joke, but probably seen as a veiled threat in my W's view. In fact peeling back my stupity I am sure it was. I use to tease and ask her if she had OM? Again teasing, but checking on my part. It is amazing as I said how I saw the train wreck coming and I was too blind to stop it.
When I noticed her looking for apt. in October I should have cleaned up my act back then and worked on improving our M and myself. When she left there not OM, but I drover her out of our M and to a WAW.
I am sure the fog is the reason for the lack of commnication. Or that it is simply easier to sweep this under the rug as she swept my A under the rug until one day she exploded. I think I will not validate her WAW and NC and just wait till she comes to me...no acknowledging her b-day.
What do you mean to pick my battles for her and not necessarily to win? I will definetly not fight just for the sake of fighting. I will be very tactical, but the ultimate goal is to win for me as in getting my WAW back or detaching, GAL and improving myself so that I am a better M for the next R.
I can see your point. In French, it's called "Suis-moi, je te fuis, fuis-moi je te suis" (follow me, I'll run away, run from me, I'll follow).It's just difficult to become mysterious and interesting, I never saw myself as either, you can read me like a book. I'd never have been able to lead a double life and have an affair like H did - at least I think not. So be gone when he comes round? Give little information about self? I'm trying hard to help foster a friendly atmosphere, the kids are living with me, so I'm a bit of a sitting duck. I don't tel or text unless child-related emergency, but it feels like I'm making the single life dead easy for H. He can paint the town red every night with OW plural even, while mum holds fort. It's hard to be mysterious after a lifetime of being open - too open. Still, when you give that advice to hurtinhartford, and from what Doodi says, it seems strategically on the nail. It would be simpler if there were just the two of us. My kids are confused enough (sudden running away) without my playing mind-games all over the shop. they've always seen me completely open with H. NotCrackingUp - except on Saturday night.
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Thank you! I appreciate your advice. I have been reading your posts as well trying to gain the WAW perspective. I don't think of you as being on the "Dark Side". You did what you did to survive and my W did the same. Her silence is driving me crazy though.
When I stopped the emails last time is when I recieve her first email comm. And when I let her go this week she sent me the unsolicited request regarding her mail. So I will stop all pursuit including the email that I have been anguishing over acknowledging her b-day this week.
I don't plan to file. If she wants out then she will have to file.
As in Edgar Allen Poe's "Tell Tale Heart", I figured that if I had an A why couldn't she?
Wow, you must have read a different version of that story than I did. In the one I read, he kills his employer and then burries him under the floor boards, and then he is haunted by the sound of his victim's beating heart!
"You fancy me mad. I'm not. It's that terrible ticking. It's dull like a watch wrapped in cotton.... It's beating louder now like a hammer striking an anvil.... Do you know what it is? No, there you sit, two foolish officers of the law, and you find nothing. Must I tell you? Yes, yes I must.'
"His eye was pale gray with a hideous film over it, like that of a vulture.... It could see into the soul of a man...."
From my Jr. High acting memories
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/05/1003:50 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
