Did you ever leave your home during your MLC? If you didn't, did the thought ever cross your mind?
Oh yes! I wanted to get away from it all. I did contemplate renting an apartment. The confusion and stress really made me nuts. I saw XW as a source of my irritation. This is crazymaking.
During replay did you ever have any fond thoughts of your W or M?
Acts of affection toward XW were few and far between during MLC. There were times when I just hugged her. It was oddly comforting for me because I saw her as a beacon that I could look to for security. It was as if checking to see if she was still "there." As for M, not so much. I was deep into fog.
One occasion, we all went on a family vacation on Martha's Vineyard. At one point, the sea became rough and the waves were becoming bigger. I was minding the kids on the beach while XW went out in the water with her sister. When she returned to the beach, she related this to me: "Wonka, I was scared! The waves were big and I was fighting against them. I am glad that I made my way through it. Do you realize I almost drowned?"
My response? I was numb and said "Oh, this is good." No empathy or even a show of concern. This is MLC. Disengaged from all around you. This is one of the few memories from my MLC. I am sure I cannot recall every crazymaking thing I did or did not do.
During moments of clarity did you question what you were doing and wonder if there was something wrong with you?
Not really. Although deep inside there was a glimmer of "what's wrong with me?" MLCers are not capable of introspection. Generally, I was in a fog and very confused. Clarity is not a typical hallmark of MCers. We are generally not given into introspection. We are too busy trying to escape whatever is bugging us. Most of these actions are external: OW/OM, moving out, doing some crazymaking stuff, etc. I did not engage with family members or friends. I was busy with OW.
