Greetings DB Friends...I am Wonka and a former MCLer. Thought I'd drop by and offer some insights in the MCL process.
Puppy, I have enormous respect for you and your DBing suggestions elsewhere on this site. However, we part ways in terms of DBing when it comes to MCLers. Puppy, you are approaching this as a person who experienced a WAW who had straightforward A to deal with her issues. The tactics you propose here DO NOT work for MLCers.
Hopefully someone can pull up the MLC continuum written by the excellent HeartBlessings (if I got the screen name correct). HB wrote very concisely the stages that MLCer's to through. This is helpful to the LBSes who are presently dealing with the MCLer and detaching from the swirling drama.
Based on my own experience, I was grateful that XW was present in my life as a beacon. I have done all the crazy MCL stuff: sleeping on the edge of the bed, hogging my pager/cell phone, engaging in EA with OW (could have potentially become a PA), feeling strangely disengaged from people and situations around me, and experiencing a layer of depression. The trigger of my MLC was the death of my beloved grandmother. (MLC begins when there is a traumatic event in your life which ALMOST always brings up unresolved issues from whatever occurred in your life. For me...it was my parents divorce at the age of 11).
Confronting the MLCer about the OW/OM and/or trying to set boundary regarding OW/OM is not going to have the same effect it potentially would have on WASes with an A. Why? MCLers are in a deep fog that includes confusion and a fairly long stage of low-level depression.
My advice for LBSes with MCLers?
1) Detach 2) Unhook your wagon from the MCLer's actions/inactions 3) Be compassionate!! 4) Be the beacon for the confused MCLer who sees you as a bright lighthouse in a sea of darkness
I will avail myself to answer any questions and/or comments about MLC in general and offer some perspectives as a former MCLer.
You are the true workhorses of DBing and have my utmost respect for your stance.
Thank you very much for coming over here. I have been reading your posts and you are very wise and I respect everything you have said and how you say it.
I would very much welcome your input over here and having a unique perspective of living through MLC yourself.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I was always supportive of my husband applying for better postitions within the company. I was the one who put his resume and cover letter together! My position at my work is very public. I am on the radio and TV all the time. I know that his friends and co-workers comment on it all the time, saying things like "how the hell did you get a woman like that?" they are just kidding with him but I think it wore down on him. He told my Board President that he couldn't compete with my job. I of course found this out 1 day before the bomb dropped - so I wasn't able to do anything about it.
Even though my H doesn't really like his job, he makes really good money and therefore can't find another job that would pay like this one.
I told him right off when this whole situation busted loose in July that no job is worth my marriage! I would quit in 2 seconds if I knew it would get him back...but it wouldn't and then I wouldn't be financially stable on my own. This is who I am and what I have worked really hard to become. But I told him that I would change my priorities! I have to for my girls anyway now that he has moved out.
I was really good today! DETACHMENT!!! He came over today to see the girls and when he got there I smiled and said that I had to go hike. He was surprised...said,"are you going with someone?" I just pretended like i didn't hear him and kissed the girls goodbye. Waved to him and smiled and said bye.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Hopefully someone can pull up the MLC continuum written by the excellent HeartBlessings (if I got the screen name correct). HB wrote very concisely the stages that MLCer's to through. This is helpful to the LBSes who are presently dealing with the MCLer and detaching from the swirling drama.
Wonka thanks for stopping in. On the first page of this thread Cadet has left us all the links to the resources and other great info about MLC. The "recipe for success" is in the stages of the LBS thread. Your advice is very sage.
Again welcome and I am sure I echo everyone else's feeling about this.
Steady posted this inquiry in CD's thread over in the Jealousy forum:
Quote:
Wonks, I see you're MLC lasted 5 years. I imagine from the POV while in it you would resent someone for walking away. But let me ask you this, from your POV now do you resent anyone walking away from you while you were in the throws of it?
My sitch was complicated and convoluted to say the least. A brief background is necessary to give you an overall picture of what transpired throughout my MLC.
My beloved grandmother passed away in 1999...she was the family matriarch since my grandfather had passed away in 1987. She passed away at the ripe young age of 100! Needless to say, I did not attend her funeral as I was smack in the middle of a business trip that could not be rescheduled. I was very close to her growing up so her death hit me hard. It was the beginning of my MLC journey. The impact on me was enormous and I was lost for a long time.
I bought a house with XW in 2002 which triggered many fears inside of me. I thought that it was such an enormous responsibility and was concerned that I was not able to shoulder it. During my MLC, I suddenly became a LD person and XW confronted me about it. She even went to great lengths to save our M by buying Phil McGraw's book The Relationship Rescue. I had zero interest in the book and tuned out all of her entreaties to enter MC. This is a typical MLC response: we do not see ourselves has having a problem and I resented her "attempts" to control me by painting me as the "problem."
My MLC fog continued into 2003. As a very "sensitive" MLCer, I dropped the bomb on XW on her birthday in May! It is obvious that I did not get the best spouse award! It was during that time that I was involved in an EA with an OW. Did all the silly MLC stuff: sleeping on edge of bed, did not want to be touched by XW, hogged my pager/cell phone, going and coming without telling XW what I was up to...on and on.
My MLC continued until 2004. Looking back I began to come out of my MLC sometime in Spring of 2004. By that time XW was engaged in a full-blown A with an old college sweetheart who lived half way across the country. When I "woke up" from MLC...I saw clearly what was happening and I did everything the opposite of DBing (begging, pleading, etc).
Did I resent this? Ya, I was angry, hurt and devastated. Engaging in an A is simply flat-out wrong. However, when you see what XW went through, one can see how she would seek comfort elsewhere. It was a potent mix in the M: my MLC and XW's A. She simply gave up on me while the alien still had me in its talons.
Thank you very much for offering us your perspective. My husband has through the years often told me I was his strength. Now, the very things that he counted on in me are the things he seems to hate. Do you know why. Should I change these things?
During my MLC, I was often irritable for no reason and there were some angry bursts. The reason for these behaviors is we are confused and it is not a comfortable feeling. So we tend to lash out at the people closest to us: spouses. We can't very well lash out at strangers or friends. So unfortunately the LBSes are often the target of our irritability and discomfort...we want to release that feeling and bring down the spouse a peg. It is crazymaking...I'm telling you.
Ignore all crazymaking behaviors. It is not about you. It isn't reflected on you. I remember when XW was kind to me...it just made me more madder. Anger is guilt turned inward. Remember this folks!
I have a few questions that I've posted on my thread for you. I sure would appreciate it if you would take a look at them and answer from your experience.
I think they're questions most would be interested in the answers.
Thank you so much for your time and for caring enough to come back and post.
