Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

Everything is exciting. H is still learning how to control himself, and he may be feeling some of these emotions for the first time in a long time. If the surgery helped and he isn't drinking as much, then he may be feeling some of these positive and negative feelings for the first time in a long time and he does need help to learn how to control them. He has to learn to identify them and release them in a positive way.

Have fun today! It is going to be great weather here as well so fun for both of us today.

[Lucky11too]

I am exhausted right now from this busy busy day, but the party went extremely well. Everyone had a great time and S totally scored on gifts! H did resonably well. Although some things would seem obvious to do from any other father, it's like a step for H to being doing things - playing with S in the jump house, helping to open presents, helping with cake, etc. So all in all a good day.

A little annoyed tonight tho. H asked if we could rent a movie together afterwards or if I was too tired. I said a movie sounded good. He "had to go" with his uncles first to the new place, but when I texted him right now to find out the scoop on our movie watching, he was just going to stay out with his uncles (and go bar hoping). Thanks for once again making me hate you. Grr. Annoyed annoyed annoyed! I'm tempted to tell him off, but I don't want him to know he got to me so much either. Grr...

[Lucky11too]

Well, I was definitely overly tired and grouchy last night, but I'm feeling much better today. H stayed at his uncles last night (which is just a few streets up from my house). Around 7 just before S woke up, he said he couldn't sleep on his uncles couch anyways and asked if he could come over. This worked out b/c part of the reason I was so upset last night too was not just b/c of the time he was giving up with me, but b/c of the time he was giving up with S. Him and S spent all morning playing, which both of them had a lot of fun with. H was lucky b/c he got to see the pure joy in S when he finally got to play with all of his b-day toys. I was still frustrated about last night but H acknowledged that he was acting like an idiot and should have come over last night. I justed nodded in complete agreement. That's a step though for him to actually acknowledge it...now just to learn from it!

The rest of the day went good. H went to work, I went shopping with my sister for a bit, and then just S and i went over to H's family bbq (i've already been told that even if h and I divorce, I am still more welcomed to come to the family events then H is. haha. Yeah, H hasn't won very many friends, even in his own family!) It's hard to say what I will actually do when the time comes, but for now it works. Besides I love to see the family and they love to see me. So fun day!

[awest1217]

Glad it overall was a good weekend. I am with you that your sitch still has some hope, although it is still horrible after almost two years to still be in limbo. Just keep having fun and if H asks to join make him join on your terms not his. Make sure it is something you want to do, and not always his is what I mean.

Take some time for you because you know in a few short months it will be tax time again and you will be busy so make sure you take this lull before the storm to revitalize yourself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO S! Hope the first day of preschool goes well.

[nicole8]

Lucky-- our situations are so similar in many ways. My H and I have no children but the things that he says and does are so similar. We have been separated and together over the last year so many times. I too believe he suffers from ADHD, anxiety and/or depression. Over the last year he has told me so many different things about how he feels. Some of the things he has said are: He feels lost, broken, empty, doesn't know why he feels the way he does yet he can't explain it to me. He's broken down crying on some occassions. He gets a lump in his throat and feels like he can't breath. He thinks he is a failure and no good for me and thinks that the only bad decision I made in my life was marrying him. He doesn't think he'll ever make more money and be able to support me. He'll never make it in school, and on and on. I could go on all night.

However, during this time he has told me a few different times that he thinks he is depressed but is unwilling to see a therapist or get medication. He is a man and it is unacceptable in his opinion for him to need "help" and doesn't want to feel weird by taking medication. Basically he thinks he needs to just tough it out. Yet he doesn't know why he is acting the way he is. About a month ago he heard a commercial advertising medication for ADHD and it upset him that he could answer "yes" to all of the symptoms they listed. He brought it up again and said that he was thinking of going to see someone about it. I was so relieved that he was making a step forward towards treatment hopefully.

However, he left our home again because he started talking with the OW he has been seeing off and on for about a year. This happened about 3 weeks ago. Each time he leaves he goes to his mom's house where he does nothing but chase after this girl. He texts her non-stop all day. It is really pathetic and ridiculous. While he does this he will be down right rude and mean to me, tell me we need to be divorced. Then he'll flip and start questioning if we are ever going to talk again and if I hate him. He goes back and forth about what he wants. Very frustrating.

I finally contacted the OW this last time he took up talking with her again. She told me she had no idea we were reconciling our marriage and that he had even been home multiple times over the last year. We had a very long text conversation and she confirmed everything I thought or felt about their relationship. She said he has lied to her many times about filing for divorce and multiple other things. At the end of July he wouldn't stop calling/texting her that she finally called the police. This happened about the time he came home to our house. Well then they ran into each other about a month later and she said that she does still care about him because she thinks he is messed up but that she doesn't think they can even be friends. Yet as far as I know they are still in contact and my husband is convinced that we need to be divorced. Our D should happen sometime before the end of this month. I don't really know what he is doing. Our house is on the market, but I fully expect that he will hit another low and be back here crying. Maybe not who knows.

I know his Mom is worried about him. I'm worried for him but cannot even have a normal conversation with him at this point. His roller coaster of emotions go back and forth. The other night he was just texting/calling because he thinks I hate him and he was having a bad day. Then 24 hours later I'm the devil and he blames me for everything. He accusses me of anything he can come up with to try and get a rise out of me.

I've talked with a therapist and he has opened my eyes about how a person with depression thinks. He said someone with depression sees their world in two ways. Bad and it will never get any better. This is how my H portrays his life moving forward. His life is bad and will never get any better and being married to me will drag me down and that I don't deserve that. Yet I'm sure he isn't saying this to the OW. My therapist said it isn't uncommon for someone with depression to use an A or EA as a way to cope with their depression. He also said it isn't odd that he gets in these complete fits where he goes around trying to do everything all at once and then become depressed because he got little or nothing done. It is also not uncommon for someone who is suffering from depression to also use anger as a way to cope with the depression. This rang a bell in my head. My H has lashed out with anger at me for a few years now and it all makes sense now. I do think he has been depressed for quite awhile and is just now fed up with it and acting out.

I'm not sure this is helpful at all but I found your sitch very intersting and wish you and your S the best.

[Lucky11too]

Nicole - Thanks for your words. Depression is just such a M buster! Arrrg. It definitely is a battle when it’s the man that has the depression as they are generally more stubborn about getting help. It’s been a long painful road so far, but by planting seeds about depression, H was able to “discover it on is own” (him finally reading on the internet/commercial like your H, etc) and now finally repeating the same things I had been saying for months, but no longer coming from me, thanks to my seeds) and start taking steps (although slow) towards his recovery. I would like to read up more on your sitch when I have a moment.

This week has been busy, interesting, fun, frustrating...just a little of everything. S's first day of preschool went great. H was originally going to come, but since he was too tired from working, he didn't. (hey, it's only your S's 1st day of preschool that will only happen once in his life, but sure, why not, go sleep.) My MIL wanted to come (which was actually an even better idea, since he is going to be the one to take him everyday since I have to be at work earlier than that). My FIL is so cute tho - he brought the video camera and everything! hehe. A few tears from S once he realized we were leaving, but he got over it pretty fast. H came with me to pick him up afterwards and then we took S to a pizza/arcade/games place to celebrate his b-day. He had a blast. H had to leave early to take care of some business stuff, but I had the best time playing with S.

It's official that they got the new place now, so H was there yesterday. He's already frustrated though b/c his uncles are taking over the place (even though they have no experience) and leaving H out of the planning stuff b/c he's stuck at the old place for 2 more weeks. I'll be the first to admit that H has made a lot of mistakes in his life, but running a sports bar/being a manager, is one thing he is good at and just gets. He really should be the one running it so I get his frustrations. One nice thing is that b/c the new place is close to me, he is thinking that he will be able to see me and S more. For example, last night, he met up with S and me for dinner. I hope he does continue to make that effort.

Ok, so now a few gripes. 1) Selfishness is so annoying! I asked H if he could take S to get a haircut yesterday b/c he is in desperate need of one & I haven't had time. So he doesn't have time to take S, but instead he gets his own hair cut. Yeah, I'm sure he needed it too, but it's all about priorities. I always put S first, and he just doesn't get it! 2) My parents are on vacation this week celebrating their 35th anniversary. H wants to spend time with us, but keeps making it all about this week. It's like, ok, we have this week that they are gone, so let's have a bbq this day, do this that day, etc etc. To me, it's not about this week. Yes, I understand he doesn't always like to be around my parents, but we could have our own separately life all the time if we were to reconcile. That should be our goal – not acting like little 16 year olds making all these plans b/c the parents are gone. I think I'm going to have to bring this up as a brief discussion (nothing deep at this point), but just more of a let's enjoy this week, but let’s work toward the bigger goal.

So yeah, just some things to think about. We are having beautiful weather right now, so I'm going to take S on a picnic tomorrow to the park (H is supposed to come too, but we'll see if he actually wakes up for it). Besides that, just doing some things around the house and enjoying my big boy! =)

[awest1217]

Glad to hear from you. I was starting to get worried.

Glad you have a great week and I agree about the selfishness, but if everything works out and H does start to hang out with you guys more...maybe just maybe things will start to move toward the better.

There is definitely hope here.

Enjoy the weather!

[Lucky11too]

Just had a very interesting discussion with H. He actually brought it up really. S was down for his nap so were just talking. H starts off by grabbing his head dramatically saying something about "oh, there's so much to think about that I just feel so overwhelmed." Not knowing exactly what he is referring to, I say back how right now he just needs to focus on getting himself feeling better (going back to the dr) and getting the new place up and running. Then it comes up how someone (I don't know who) was asking him what he was going to do about us b/c we are going on 2 years of separation (yeah, I think we're all wondering that at this point). His response was something about he's happily miserably or miserably happy. That yes, we would have to make a decision eventually, but things were fine now and he enjoys just being around me and S. The brake lights went on for me b/c obviously I'm NOT ok with the limbo land and am wanting to get this figured out in the next few months. I start to protest a little about this and he freaks out and starts whineing "oh stop", that he can feel his back tensing up with the anxiety. Then everytime i tried to continue, he would cut me off. Super annoying! Then he tried to change the conversation (he's the ulitimate avoider). I finally let it drop for now, b/c I'm not quite ready to push an ultimadum yet, but like it or not, that time is coming and he's going to have to make a decision. And ultimately, no decision is a decision. So anyways, he changes the subject, but then HE goes back to the topic in a sense, saying how he ran into an old friend the other night who just broke up with his girlfriend and was looking for a new roomate. (more brake lights for me). I casually comment, oh, that's right, your lease is up next month. He said he doesn't know if he would even want to move in with him but it would save him $400 a month in rent. But also saying that if he stays at the current place, it would be on a month to month (that part is good). I asked how long the friends lease had left on it, but he didn't know. Not really an answer of any sorts, but it sounds like he's thinking about it all but doesn't know/doesn't want to make a decision (I know we've said this before, but really, how hard of a decision is it to chose your wife and S) and is just going to push it off for as long as possible. I'm guessing the breaking point for us will be when I do finally push an answer...

Oh and yes, we did have our picnic today (fun times feeding the ducks, playing on the playground, and eating our picnic lunch) and H actually did show up. I believe he is trying in a lot of ways and wants to come over and spend the day again with us tomorrow. He was also talking to about no longer working Sundays at the new place, so he can have family dinners. Just interesting.

[awest1217]

It all sounds good. He is spending time with you, but I am with you saying he likes where he is right now makes you think. It is kind of like my sitch. In March, when H had to move out of the place he was at. H wouldn't make a decision and still didn't tell me the decision until he moved in with his parents and still said it wasn't a decision just a place to keep his stuff for now. That was...man already 6 months ago and he told his parents it would only be for a couple of months...anyway just be ready no matter what happens. H loves his family, but does he want to take back all the responsibility for the family? I am not sure yet.

Hope the rest of the weekend goes well and he keeps coming in.

[Lucky11too]

Yes, it definitely does sound like where you were at. It's weird how my sitch is following your sitch but just a few months behind. I know H is content with where he is at b/c it's cake-eating. He gets him family but still gets his complete freedom and no responsibility. It's been working for me b/c it's all been part of my plan (getting to various steps - therapy/surgery/new place), but now that these goals have been reached, I'm ready for some closure. I know he wants his family (and most of the time I believe he wants me too), but I just don't know if it's worth the sacrfice to him. That's really what it's going to come down too - priorities! Unfortunately, I think as much as he loves us, i don't think he's willing to sacrifice "his new life" for us, but I hope he proves me wrong.

Updates with H, H cancelled our bbq plans for Sunday b/c he just wasn't feeling good. I understand, but on the other hand, c'mon, just come over and see your W and S. I don't get a break from being a mom or wife when I'm tired. It was fine though. I ended up making zuccini bread instead during S's nap. I love to bake, but rarely get a chance to, so that was fun (plus now I get to eat yummy bread! =D) Instead he suggested that we meet up for lunch on Monday. I was still in my annoyed mood tho and turned him down. He ended up going shopping on Monday and got S some things. He got him this whole Cars decoration set for his new Cars room I did, so that was very thoughtful. He also got him some clothes. He talked to me about meeting up maybe Weds or Thurs night (or both). He's working pretty much constantly right now between the old place and the new place, but at least he's trying to fit us in. He also suggested me and S come over to the new place on Thurs to have dinner with him. That's a good sign if he wants me to come to his new place (ie, sharing a part of his life with him unlike before when he kept me out of everything). I'm definitely glad that he's leaving the old place tho. There are just so many bad feelings associated with it and everyone knew about us (and of course I was the evil witch there that left poor H and took him family away....blah blah blah).

So definitely some good things going on but definitely have to be cauiously optipmistic too. H is still way too comfortable in the current sitch...