Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

Well I've been thinking, and I really think that's a bad thing. I've been trying to answer the question that many of you have asked..."Why did I fall in love/marry my H?" I'm starting to wonder if the reason I can't/won't answer that is because I'll just look/feel more like a monster.

When we originally met I did find him attractive, he was definitely the cutest guy to ever pay the poor lil fat girl-me-any attention. I've never had any self esteem so the only thing I had to offer was physical. H doesn't remember it this way, but I do(whose filtering...IDK). We were both just out of HS and on sex overdrive. We were both losers together, neither of us had gone to college and still lived at home. Not much more to it than that. We were only together for 6 months before he moved and it went long distance.

I can't say that we talked nightly but we did talk at least weekly. I have lived in Germany most of my life (always been a military brat) and really had no idea of the states. I did have a job here and tried a few college courses but never anything serious. Self-esteem issues, I've always felt like a loser. So for the next 2 yrs he lived in the US and I was in Germany. WE both worked and whenever we made enough and had a few days off we would fly to see each other. Our days hadn't really changed much...alot of physical and playing but that's it.

So when I look at those pre-marriage days I remember a lot of arguments with make up sex. I know we went to a lot of movies but I can't really say we ever sat around talking. I'm still learning some things after 20 yrs together. I never had a boyfriend, flirting or making out sure but never a boyfriend, prior to H. He paid attention to me and liked me even if I was a loser. So I in turn overlooked his anger and blow-ups. I overlooked his putdowns and guilt. If he could overlook my being boring and fat (I've always had a pretty face they tell me) then I could overlook his temper and hostility. Compromise, right?

I remember him saying some horrible hurtful things to me (hitting at my core insecurities) during our dating but I've always said, "I've been through worse, so I can get through this." I really just wanted out of my parents house. I had no idea how to get out and I had never lived in the US to really know I could do it, so H was my way out. And then once I was out of my parents house, I was trapped. I didn't know my family, lost touch with all my so-called friends, I was living in a foreign country (well foreign to me) and if I left I would not only be a loser but a failure too.

I know that's horrible to think the only reason I married him was to escape my folks and I'm not sure it's the only reason but it is one of my main reasons. The problem is I don't know if love is a reason at all. I know that I've always been afraid I would never find anyone better than H. I've always known his emotions were stronger than mine and I could never handle anyone being mad at me so I would do/say whatever it took so I didn't have to deal with negative feelings--basically I'd fake it.

I've faked everything in my life for so long I don't know what is real anymore. My relationship with my parents is not genuine. I can't stand my mom but she thinks I'm just a little withdrawn. I tell everyone it's easier to fake like I like her for a few hours a year than it would be to deal with the negativity. My dad and I are slowly learning each other (parents got a D 5 yrs ago and he's a different person) but I still feel like that little girl he was only to speak when spoken too and when I did speak I better be to say 'Yes Sir'.

7 yrs ago everything changed. H came back from Iraq with PTSD which really just made is issues worse. I couldn't take it and finally started seeing a shrink, and was diagnosed with depression. And the cherry on the sundae of change was the potential PA, that I will never know the truth about.

I started therapy first, and found the strength to bring it up for H to go. H started going but I don't know if it's ever really done much for him...His words.

Me on he other hand I know it has changed me. I'm stronger than I have been in my whole life. I started actually trying to find/figure out who I was. Did I have likes (yes until about 3 yrs ago I didn't even now...I just existed), what were they? I finally started to feel ok with telling someone I didn't want to do anything. I finally found my voice. I've been on meds and in therapy almost non-stop for 7 yrs. I say almost non-stop because therapy stopped a year ago, my shrink said she was certain I had the skills to handle life. As an individual, I can look back and see that I have made leaps and bounds in my life.

But those leaps and bounds I've made as an individual have destroyed my marriage. Now here I am in a marriage where I'm faking it. I feel myself doubting what I know I feel because of my old issues of insecurity/self-esteem. I am still worried about pissing everyone off and that's why I'm confused again. I have half of the people in my life saying get out and then I have the other half saying work on it. Now my happiness and individuality is going to effect so many is it right for me to want it?

When I look back over my life I notice that everything is always so dark. I have spent most of my life trying to NOT get noticed, being notice as a child in my house brought pain. I was often left on my own to care for my baby brother and I really don't remember much of a childhood. My mom was always focused on work and I was left to take care of everything else. If I messed up, it got ugly. I remember being beat with anything and everything over some of the smallest things. I could tell you about all the bad times and but that's not why I'm here.

My marriage though is taking the same dark filter. I look back and can think of times when I laughed and smiled but it seems like it was always over some 'grand' thing...Christmas, Disney World, etc. I can't remember just sitting around and enjoying being with H. He has fussed at me for almost anything and everything (notice the trend). He didn't do it nightly but you could feel the tension growing and could almost hear him biting his lip so he didn't say anything. But it could be anything, staying up late, going to bed early, what I cooked for supper, what I wore to the grocery, if the kids/I got too loud, if I asked to many questions when he was doing something, and on and on. It's my nature that once I get yelled at about something I try to never do it again, so here I am today barely able to do anything for fear of pissing him off. EGGSHELLS anyone.

I know I'm sensitive and read into things at times (yes I get I have to work on this) and one of my big problems is I've always wanted him to meet me halfway and understand my sensitive nature (wanting him to change, I get it).

But I'm also worried the thoughts about my H I have when things are 'peaceful'. When the emotions aren't flying around. I can't shake the feeling of not wanting to have to deal with him. I don't want to talk or do anything with him. I will do stuff and I will try to have fun but most of the time my first instinct is 'oh man, do I have to.' I don't know if that's because of our past and his unpredictability or something else.

These are the things I can't wrap my brain around. It's moments like this that I wonder if a separation wouldn't enlighten me as to my true feelings. I've never really been without him. I've never missed him. I just can't tell if I really feel like I want him gone because I don't love him anymore or if it's just because I'm so smothered right now.

Sorry this is random and so incredibly long but once I got going I couldn't stop. Call it journalling, call it spewing, call it a brain dump. But the bottom line is yes this is another post of confusion. I'm looking anywhere and everywhere hoping to find clarity. I just wonder about my confusion. Does it ever go away?