Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[Lotus]

This could be a very interesting topic for the two of you to discuss, but put it off for now until you get to Retrouvaille and get the tools to deal with it. This is a relationship talk. So tell her that you hear what she is saying, and you will talk to her about this, but just put it on hold until Retrouvaille. Until then, both of you should try to just be the nice, cooperative sides of yourselves, and get along and spend some time with your son.

This can wait until you have the tools to deal with it. It's like if the roof fell in. Yes, you could get up there and try to fix it yourself, but it wouldn't be watertight, and it might not be level, and you might not put in enough supports. If you get professional help to rebuild the roof, it will come out better and be able to serve it's purpose. Sometimes it is better to wait and get help and do things right.

[john28]

Thanks Lotus - I agree that the tools aren't in place for us to communicate properly. Even though I've read through 20 books on communicating and I do have some tools in my toolbelt, she hasn't read a single one to improve our relationship or communication so it is very difficult. She falls into old habits and patterns and I'm sucked in to doing the same when I see that. Even though I know better ways to communicate, it takes two to do that.

She called me this morning saying the car was making a funny noise and she didn't know what was wrong with it. That she'd have to take it to a mechanic and didn't know how much it would cost. She knows I'm good with cars. I saw right through this. I asked her plainly, "Are you asking for my help?" She paused. Said, "No, if you're going to be like that then no I'm not asking." Passive-agressive BS. I responded, "I'm not putting you in that position. I just do not want to impose myself on you." She replied with, "Then yes, if you could I would really appreciate it. Yes, I am asking you for help."

She then seemed happy. I told her goodbye, and she, for the first time in a while, said ILY first. Not a simple, "Love you, bye". But a honest thought of saying, "I love you, John."

This is just a very daily way of her indirectly asking me for what she wants. I am starting to see right through it. So, I just go directly to the point - Do you want me to help you? That pisses her off because instead of me saying - Oh honey, that's terrible, why don't I take a look at it when I drop by today for you? I instead bypass her crap behavior and get down to the bottom line.

And the results are better.

[TimeHeals]

She falls into old habits and patterns

So miscommunication is ALL her fault?

and I'm sucked in to doing the same

Yet you do the same thing? How does she "suck" you into being a bad communicator? Puleez. You have self-control, right? Go back and re-read those books, I guess.

She called me this morning saying the car was making a funny noise

Funny? Like an organ grinder? Or one of those squeeze horns that go "Hooonk Hoonk"?

I saw right through this. I

You... you... you... read her mind? !!! No, no, no.

I asked her plainly, "Are you asking for my help?"

I didn't see anywhere she did that.

She paused. Said, "No, if you're going to be like that then no I'm not asking."

Hmmm... she didn't ask, you beat her to the punch, she got defensive.

Why didn't you just say, "That sounds like a good idea!" (taking car to a mechanic).

I can almost hear the tones of negativity and defensiveness Not your job to rescue her if she doesn't ask. Let her ask for your help.

Yes, I am asking you for help

See... you got there anyway.

So let's recap and see how this might have gone better:

She calls, says car needs to go to mechanic. You agree. She says it will probably cost lots of money. You agree. She asks for your help.

No drama.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She called me this morning saying the car was making a funny noise and she didn't know what was wrong with it. That she'd have to take it to a mechanic and didn't know how much it would cost. She knows I'm good with cars. I saw right through this. I asked her plainly, "Are you asking for my help?" She paused. Said, "No, if you're going to be like that then no I'm not asking." Passive-agressive BS.

Yes, I agree, your response certainly was, John.


Puppy

[TimeHeals]

I should add, if you let her ask, then you can turn on the charm: "You're in luck. The first Sunday of every month, I take a look at 'what is making that noise?' in the car of the first beautiful woman who asks for free!"

[john28]

Went to the family BBQ at her Aunt/Uncle's house where she is staying, showed up a little early with S4. It was going to be her side of the family there, but not close family - cousins, uncles. We had talked about not telling anyone but our immediate family, but when I arrived she pulled me aside and said that her Uncle (who she is staying with) blabbed to his brother, who is another blabber. She said that she just found out 30 minutes ago because she brought it up to him and said that he would appreciate it if they didn't say anything. Uncle admitted he already told others.

So I felt extremely uncomfortable but no one had arrived yet. I told W that I didn't feel comfortable there and this was not a good situation for me right now. I suggested a movie later tonight with S4 and her and she said that was a great idea.

She said she understood why I wouldn't stay. That she didn't really want to either but she couldn't leave because it would look really bad to her Aunt/Uncle, which I can understand.

I spoke with her Uncle quickly, said I couldn't stay. He pulled me outside for a quick talk. We're pretty close before now, he has admitted to me the A he had during his M and how he moved out, etc. All of this he talked to me about a year ago. He pulled me outside and told him that I appreciated him letting W stay there during all of this. He said he was sorry this was happening right now, but if I ever needed to talk he would be there. I apologized to him that I couldn't stay, that is was not a good situation for me right now knowing that all these people would know what is going on. He understood and said it wasn't a problem.

W walked me to the car, I apologized for not staying to her. She said she completely understood, and she didn't want to deal with it either. She gave me a loving kiss on the lips and said ILY and gave me a really good hug and then I was on my way.

This may not have shown strength in this situation - I know this. But I'm not in a place right now where I need other people asking me questions and prying. These people would, I know them. So, maybe a mistake, but it is a mistake I'm willing to deal with right now. I was honest and open with my W and this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[TimeHeals]

I told W that I didn't feel comfortable there

The women here say that when a man says he's "uncomfortable" about anything other than wearing briefs, it's unattractive.

Just an FYI.

[pookie69]

I told W that I didn't feel comfortable there

The women here say that when a man says he's "uncomfortable" about anything other than wearing briefs, it's unattractive.

Just an FYI.

I agree. I just read this and I would have faced it head on.

"I was invited and came to have fun. Wassup Uncle? Feeling uncomfortable???"

[john28]

It is very easy to say you would have faced this head on, but instead making mistakes while there, I chose to remove myself from the situation to avoid any conflict. There would have been questions, and prying from these people. They're like that.

Knowing how "inconsistent" I've been lately, I wanted to keep that going. Right now, if I was there, I can't guarantee I would do that. Knowing where I'm at emotionally right now, I can guarantee I would be nothing other than inconsistent today.

I made the right choice for ME to keep the consistency.

[Lotus]

I agree with you John. Your wife left you, so why would you be there? So she could put on the front of having the happy family? Absolutely not anything in that for you. Let her face her family alone. They are a lot more likely to tell her she is making a mistake.