Well I gotta say - whenever I get into a clingy state of desperation to hang onto my marriage, I now know what I'm going to do. I'm going to pull out my notes of the IMs from H to OW. When I read those messages, it makes me sick to my stomach. I realize that my H is a selfish, deceitful, cheating, disrespectful, LIAR and at this point he's not good enough for me.
The morning after our 9th anniversary, which he didn't even acknowledge, he was sending OW all kinds of IMs - and I'll just call them "inappropriate." What a ba$tard. Who lives a double life like that? To me, It’s incredibly incomprehensible.
Unless he makes some MAJOR life changes, he will never be good enough for me. Damn it all...I'm far from perfect, but I'm a pretty good catch if I do say so myself. ; ) I'm in shape, I'm focused on being healthy, I have a degree and a job that is very respected in our community, I have lots of friends, I'm enthusiastic and thoughtful, I have a great relationship with my family, I'm a great mom, I'm good with kids, I'm growing in my faith...the list goes on and on. lol...just kidding! But seriously, I need to remind myself that I AM WORTHY OF A GOOD MAN. I am much too good for a lying, cheating, ba$tard. Unless he gets his life together, he can just keep dreaming if he thinks things will ever work out with us. And he better figure out a different way to speak to me. Sorry, but saying something like, "If u don't let me move back in, then screw it" isn't good enough for me.
I'm about a click away from signing up for match.com, looking for a decent man and moving on (not that I need a man to be happy - hell, who knows if I'll ever be able to trust again). But, it's been over 2 years since I've had a connection with a man and I'm so tired of putting my happiness on hold. I never thought I would even consider doing something like that, but really, I don't care anymore. I've been treated like trash long enough.
It was so painful to see what I saw on his phone, but it really was a blessing. Now I know the truth and I can make an informed decision about what I want to do. I was in such a hurry before and now I want to slow down and think about everything. I want to focus on the things I mentioned before - church, prayer, DD's preschool, volunteering, exercise and I might again consider going back to school. I know I'm going to continue to have very sad days, but screw being a doormat. I'm so glad I have those notes to turn to...they will give me strength, bc I know I deserve a man who would treat me right.
It just feels good to stand up for myself. My biggest challenge is going to be staying in control of my emotions, but I can do it. I can do it.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
