I don't have time right now to do justice to the argument but do have a point to make quickly:
Whatever the LBS does in terms of deciding to move forward and let go or stick it out trying to reconcile, my main concern - as a future FT :-) and fellow DBer would be the reason behind that move. If the LBS is sticking with it out of fear of losing WS, it's not good motivation, imho. You just don't gain self respect or the respect of the WAS in that mindset. While many say that is not the reason, I've heard it - or read between the lines - too many times that it IS the reason, deep down.
I like what Allen has said before: you have to do it because you WANT the R, not because you NEED the R.
In all the people I've ever talked to or heard from, I've never heard anyone say they were sorry for setting and keeping boundaries. Mostly, I hear that people are sorry they DIDN'T/couldn't set boundaries sooner. The irony is, people are afraid of giving up on their spouse but yet it seems that most of the wayward spouses that come back are the ones where the LBS was willing to let them go. The very act of the LBS showing genuine respect for him/herself was what attracted the WS back home.
EVERY case is different, of course. Everyone has to choose their own course of action. That's why you get all this advice and still ponder over it all. As I've read before though, Letting Go does not mean "giving up". Heck, maybe it was even in this thread that I read it, not sure, lol. Actually, letting go can be it's own methodology of triving to save a M.
We all know divorce papers end a M but they don't necessarily end a R for good. My son has a friend whose parents divorced and 2 weeks later started dating. Went to MC for a year, remarried, and have a MUCH better R now. We've all heard stories like that. After my D from H1, he wanted to reconcile and he was already living with OW. I said no. Of course, it's different now - with 20 years with H2 and 3 kids. However, maybe it's because I've had that experience that I'm less afraid of the big D than some others are and fully believe in GAL of my own. It's also because of that experience that I know boundaries and self-respect work in a lot of cases, more often than not. What those boundaries are can be be very individualized, but it doesn't hurt to start setting and keeping small ones and working up to bigger ones, perhaps.
CD is the perfect case of that. CD may not be prepared to go file D papers at the moment, but it's good to have at least set boundaries that you aren't going to put up with CB and be at W's beck and call... not answering texts/calls right away, etc...
This doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition if someone's not ready for it. You can work your way up and decide little by little! The main thing is, don't let stupid fear make your decisions. Feel the fear and do what you know is right in spite of it.
