WAH help please

[pookie69]

The difficult part is that I cannot see on the other side of the wall.

Patience my friend. You will.

You will learn how to see through that wall. It's all perception. You don't "see" now because you are looking for something that is not there at the moment.

[Dagny-2]

So it seems to me that letting him go further or asking him to leave is just further agreeing that there is no hope. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but was trying to follow LRT of no R talks.

For the record, your fear expressed above is probably the #1 fear that newcomers to DBing express: "If I go dim/dark/LRT, won't that just push him/her further away?" It's understandable; this stuff is very counter-intuitive. But what it ACTUALLY shows him is "I love you (he knows that part already, trust me), and this is not what I wanted, but I'll be okay either way, and I value myself to not continue to put up with your crap behavior."

Which is -- bonus! -- simultaneously healthy for YOU, AND attractive to HIM.

Puppy

Oxy, I was struggling with the exact same thing last night, I want him to know (but I was talked down and did nothing). It is very counter-intuitive. But everything you are doing is so good for you, keep doing it, I know it isn't a short term/quick fix, but we all sure want it to be. I find that a full night sleep makes me much more able to cope with the enormity of it all, those nights I don't sleep, I'm a pile of mush the next day.

Take care,

Dagny

[Oxymoron]

I am trying to do 2b, since I have no hard evidence and cannot gather intel to confirm that he is having EA/PA.

We agreed to stay in the house together on the condition that we not pursue other relationships until the D is final. But I suspect his is starting to pursue other women or is already involved. I am devastated by the situation with my mother, and I know that when he comes home from the holiday weekend and I let him know about my mother that I will crumble because he has been my main support system since we've been together. I am very vulnerable and weak right now, so I was thinking of asking him to leave for awhile so I'm not tempted to seek comfort from him. It's so hard to keep thinking with my head when my whole world is falling apart.

[soleil]

But I suspect his is starting to pursue other women or is already involved.

Why? What makes you think that? Elaborate.

[Oxymoron]

I noticed on his facebook page that one woman in particular was responding to everything he posted and gushing about him nonstop. He leaves every weekend and I never asked where he was going-I assumed it was to his mother's who lives with his grandmother as his grandmother has just been moved to a nursing home and his mother needed help getting the house cleaned out to sell. I looked at his bank account statement (both of our bank statements are mailed together-we have separate accounts but up until recently both names were on each account) and found out that every other weekend he has been staying in the city of the facebook woman. I don't know of anyone else he knows in that city. I also did decide to check his home computer e-mails, and saw that he spend the night at a friends house, and asked before he went if one of their female friends was going to be coming over also. He seems to be swinging into full "single guy" mode.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I noticed on his facebook page that one woman in particular was responding to everything he posted and gushing about him nonstop. He leaves every weekend and I never asked where he was going-I assumed it was to his mother's who lives with his grandmother as his grandmother has just been moved to a nursing home and his mother needed help getting the house cleaned out to sell. I looked at his bank account statement (both of our bank statements are mailed together-we have separate accounts but up until recently both names were on each account) and found out that every other weekend he has been staying in the city of the facebook woman. I don't know of anyone else he knows in that city. I also did decide to check his home computer e-mails, and saw that he spend the night at a friends house, and asked before he went if one of their female friends was going to be coming over also. He seems to be swinging into full "single guy" mode.

Oxy,

If you're doing all of this, you're definitely not doing "2b." Or at least, you're not understanding it correctly. Don't get me wrong, I'm more of a "try 2a FIRST, then when you've reached your wit's end, and if it's not working, THEN do 2b" kind of guy, but "2b" doesn't have you checking the credit card statements and sitting all over his FB page.

If you're letting him go, then let him go.

You need to go back and (re-)read Gucci's excellent thread on "Letting Them Go." For one, you can't do it when you're both still living in the same house. HE should go, since he's the one who wants out, but if he doesn't, then YOU should.

Puppy

[Oxymoron]

Thanks for the 2x4 Puppy. I am re-reading the posts. I thought I was doing a good job of letting go after the initial bomb and panic. But it is hard to see the mistakes I was/am making with no feedback, so it is much appreciated.

I am expecting/planning on no contact until he comes home from his holiday. Until then I'm going to keep reading and try to formulate a plan of how to ask him to leave the house.

[NotCrackingUp]

Oxymoron,
I feel very sorry for you, all the hurt of thinking about him with someone else and having your mum ill at the same time.It's surely too much to bear.
My H has left. He had an afair, "ended" it (?), decided to stay and work through it, then 2 months later, moved to the spare room and has recently moved out.He swears it's to be "alone", to have space and time, to be "free". Says he doesn't desire me anymore and feels no love etc.

I am fairly certain that the OW is out there motivating him. He doesn't want to make anything official, but his life has become "secret" apart from visits to see the children.

When I did spy on him - we're only human, things I found only made me feel worse about him (the extent of lies from an erstwhile honest, open man, the sexiness they shared when he could have had the same and more with me, but he'd stopped "seeing" me...)and worse about me ( how could I stoop so low as to spy, how she's 9 years my junior, petite, firm, sexy, how I've been marked by life and children...).

It made me wallow in self-destructive thoughts of jealousy and only added to the pain of his leaving and turning away from me as a woman.I could head off into town right now and stand in the shadows under his windows - or hers, they've got flats 2 streets from each other-and wait until I cought them red-handed. What earthly good would it do? I'd feel so upset, so crushed and it wouldn't make any difference to the way he feelsat the moment, only worsen it.Better keep my distance and self respect.

So I've decided to detach my mind from them. I still love him passionately, but I'm not unique, and I can't control his feelings for SO else.I do still think about it, but try to "thought stop" and concentrate on what I have to offer, on what he shared with me over the years.I've told him that I understand he needs space.I don't contact unless about children.I could still have access to his e-mail but I don't go there. That makes me feel a better person.And she's surely not worth all the turmoil and sacrifices he's making (children, finances, our relationship of 18 years) for her.She gave him novelty, admiration and a sense of seduction when I was too taken up with work. I tell myself that all that will wear thin, and that he might miss our complicity and friendship.Might.Is this "2b"?

In the meanwhile, I feel better not spying and raging with useless jealousy. You can do it, it's a decision.It'll free you up to take care of your mum.Why don't you tell him about your mum's illness first in an e-mail, so you won't cry in front of him? I don't know, it's just an idea.
Anyway, take care.
NotCrackingUp

[Oxymoron]

NCU you ARE unique! There is only one you, and you will eventually realize that and take pride in it. I know it seems impossible now, I have to keep telling myself the same things until I believe it.

I didn't really want to snoop. I did it once and felt terrible-decided never to do it again. When we went to the bank to have each others names removed from our individual accounts they messed it up. They took his name off all accounts and it messed up everything. Charges from my bank card came out of his account. I looked through the paperwork to find out what $ I owed him, and that's when I saw all the charges he made in a different city than I thought he was going to on weekends. So I tried checking his e-mail on the off chance that I could find enough to do some Affair Busting. I found enough to make me think he is woman shopping and make me sick to my stomach, but not enough to confront him. Prior to that, I think I was doing pretty well on the LRT. Now I am just questioning every little thing again. You are right-it only makes you feel awful and obsess about him when we should be obsessing about taking care of ourselves.

Thanks for the kind words. It is so nice to have a place to get some comfort and support.

[pearlharbr]

Until then I'm going to keep reading and try to formulate a plan of how to ask him to leave the house.

Have you read the "Setting them free" thread yet??

Question: We are still living together although we don't sleep together. How to detatch when were still in the same house?

Two answers that I would say would work..

1st.... ONE of you has to move. "WS, I have done some thinking and I have decided that this just isn't working out for me. I think we should move toward separating and divorce and I think it would be wise if we start it asap. We have a few issues to work out, but the first one is that I think you should find another place. Maybe move to your moms or your friends or get your own place for now, but I want to separate need some space.
I will give you two weeks to find a place and get moved. If you can't get everything moved in two weeks, we can store stuff in the garage for a few more weeks until you get situated."
(said firmly, matter of factly an yet cordially.. As if you will even help her by letting her leave stuff at the house for a small period of time...)

If she says she won't move and is firm on not moving...

Then YOU move out. Get your ducks in a row. Staying and living together is a no no when you want to show them you are moving on down the road and letting go.


2nd choice.... Start socially interacting with the oppostie sex and have the time of your life while doing it. Text one of your new social friends day and night and at all hours. Laugh on the phone loudly and deeply while your wife is within hearing distance(usually works best when that social friend just happens to be the opposite sex.. ..ony friends of course ).... all while leaving her alone...

those are the best two options

If you're not prepared to take the necessary action, that's one thing. But don't say that you haven't received enough feedback or that you haven't been directed to the information.